My wife cheated on me twice with the same man..We 've been together for 15 years and have 4 kids?

Question

Its been 7 months since the last time she cheated and yet we have done a normal conversation about it. She avoids..couse its uncomfortables she says. My passion is finishing. She dosnt want me to leave..but she dosnt help me understand any of it..she confuses me with sex...and she says if i leave her she kill her self. She was never that warm in bed with me...Why now after this?I feel traped!I'm an average , normal person. I dont do things to hurt my family and i cant find something to deserve this.Although she tries to make me feel guilt about stuff like "you were working too much" or "you werent romantic the last 3/4 months" "i thought you didnt love me" but she never said anything about that before..also didnt gave chance to me "if she felt that way".I will post more questions because i live in a country far from mine and i have none to talk to..
Please Help...

Answer 1

Sometimes you can't see the emotional forest for the marital trees. She has her reasons for cheating on you. That's her. The part that you can control is you.

From her view, losing you would be a big change in her life. I think she also doesn't want her children to suffer, so she wants you to stay. The big change (you leaving) would be bad for her and worse for the children.

She's using the "if you leave me, I'll kill myself" gimmick to keep things the way they are.

You seem to have spent a lot of time with a woman who remains largely a stranger to you. I believe a lot of the elements of a husband-wife relationship are cultural, so this may be acceptable where you live. Even though marriages may be different, the cheating isn't acceptable.

Looks to me like it's up to you to decide- take steps to divorce her or find something inside you to forgive her.

You can't forget the children, but you should not stay with her *only* for the sake of the children.

Good luck!

Answer 2

That is a long time to be married. I am sure u all have accomplished a lot.To much time for a divorce.I thnk that u should do ur own thing and not just anybody,or just to get back with her but find someone u enjoy and show them a good time,and no,don't try to hide it from her,and if she doesn't straighten up then ,move her.And for the record she will not kill herself if u leave.That is to keep u there for now,but u better watch out because when she is really tired of u being there she will move u out,and the other guy in when u least expected.

Answer 3

Sounds to me like you need some marriage counseling, and swiftly. A conversation about her infidelity may be uncomfortable, but a divorce is going to be a lot less comfortable, and she needs to recognize that this is a definite possibility if you aren't able to work this issue out.

It's not your fault if she's cheating on you; she's the one who made the decision to bang this guy, not you. Other people in her situation find other solutions, so that's no excuse. Similarly, you can't let her blackmail you with threats of suicide. Even if she's serious, that's her responsibility, not yours.

My advice is to get some couples counseling as fast as you can. Explain to her that her actions have done serious harm to your marriage, and if she's serious about wanting to stay married, she needs to put in some work by going to counseling.

Good luck!

Answer 4

i think you need to leave her file for a divorce and get custody of your children let her have supervised visits because of the suicide threats she has made. you cant continue to live like that. if you work too much its to provide a better life for your family, right? and if she has done it twice already you think shes going to stop. no i dont think so she likes it and yo uare allowing it. by still being with her you are allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. why stop if she knows your never going to do anything about it. and you say you guys never even talk about shes got it made. husband and kids at home o matter what she does. or if you dont want to divorce then just separate and see how that works. you know they say you never know a good thing until its gone. try that first.

Answer 5

the real question is do you really love her enough to make things work. I have cheated on my husband. We were still new in marriage and I was pissed off at him. But enough about that. It could be alot of things, One is maybe she does feel neglected that your always working and not doing family outtingZz!!! and shes getting bored of the relationship and finding it elsewhere. You have to think long and hard if thats whats really going on. Or shes just making up excuses for her cheating. Being in a relationship for so long people tend to just feel too comfortable and think thier spouse will never cheat on them.. Spike things up... If its not worth it than find someone else or find another hobby to get your mind off of her. In that way when things fall in place your ready for it.

Answer 6

I feel so much for you. I don t think most people understand the weight of knowing what it will do to the kids. No kids - its a no brainer. Kids makes it so much more terrible to deal with. The finanical turmoil affects the whole family enormously too. They say kids are more resilient than you give them credit for, but its going to tear their world up. All the best, I truly hope you find a path that evenutually makes you happy.

Answer 7

Your wife is controlling you. She is probably just saying she will kill herself because she thinks you are weak and it will make you stay with her -- but more than likely she is just really scared that you will leave her and is making an empty threat. Stand up for yourself and tell her that you will leave her if she is not willing to talk about your problems. You should both see a marriage counselor and try to work things out.

Answer 8

Maybe you need to romance her! Start by having a a quiet loving dinner at home just the 2 of you! Have someone watch the children and put that spark back in your love life!
I have been with my husband 12 yrs and he cheated on me in Jan ( Had a group thing with 2 other guys from work and some low life chick then brought home the picture as a souvenir) He said the same thing, "I thought you didn't love me, I felt no passion from you..."
Well, if HE WAS HOME AND NOT WORKING He'd GET THE LOVE HE WAS NEEDING!
He tried to blame it all on me, I was home caring for our son AND waiting on him...hot dinner on the table and he was out of state having a gang bang with some female.
I was pregnant with his child! (HE didn't know because he was gone...playing with his "NEW TOY" he called her.
I can't tell you how much that hurt. Worse yet finding out the woman gave US Herpes.
Just care for her, hold her hand, tell her you love her and mean it from your heart.
Tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world and that you would marry her again.
Talk to her from your heart, I know men can have trouble with feelings, but this is important...try.
Blessings,
WW

Answer 9

WAKE-UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!...Time to lead a DEFENSIVE LIFESTYLE....do a google search on "Tom Leykis 101 Rules" ...what you've described is a form of domestic violence committed against you ...she sticks around or confuses you because of money, how much money would she get if she continues to hang around with a fool...how much would she get from your life insurance policy, from your retirement benefits, from your social security beneifts, etc...CAREFULLY, DO THE MATH...first, seek a local marriage councilor; if it doesn't work, seek a faith-based marriage councilor; if it doesn't work, file for divorce, a.s.a.p.

Answer 10

I don't know what you're still doing with her.................. I'd have gotten a divorce since the FIRST time she had cheated. I think people should be held responsible for their mistakes and pay the consequences. She does not deserve to be married to you no matter how much she's trying to "fix things" now...... she cheated TWICE!!!! Fool me once, shame on you..... fool me twice, shame on me........................... how many more times do you want to be walked over and betrayed???