We didn't want a child!?

Question

I'm pregnant. I'm married, and happily so, except for the morning sickness and whatnot. My husband and I did not want a child... and we were using contraceptives, but we got pregnant anyway. I am not happy about being pregnant, and I don't see it as a blessing. I feel that I'm getting more and more depressed. Is there anything, anything at all, that would help me feel better about having this child? Is there anyone else out there who HATED everything about being pregnant, especially the fact that she was pregnant, or am I just one of those heartless people out there who would have gladly terminated this pregnancy if she hadn't heard the heartbeat first?

Answer 1

I don't believe that there is anything wrong with not wanting to be a mother. Keep yourself healthy, so go talk to your OB/GYN about the depression, and give the child up for adoption. Someone out there is asking the same question in reverse, "Why can't I have the child I desperately want?" You will give them a great gift.

As the mother of two daughters, both conceived while on birth control, (we are now out of the reproductive game), I didn't get the whole cosmic mommy vibe either... All I felt like was an incubator for an embryo that reminded me of a lizard whenever I saw the ultrasound pictures.

I will tell you that as soon as they were born the vibe kicked into overdrive, but you're not necessarily the same.

You could also look at it from the reverse; what kind of disservice might you do to a child that you keep but don't REALLY want?

Blood is not the definition of Family, Love is...

Answer 2

You will be singing a completely different tune once your child is born, I PROMISE!!! I had an unplanned pregnancy, and I am prolife so abortion wasn't an option although I did consider adoption. Niether option was right for me. I have a one year old little boy and he is so beautiful. He is my whole world, and the second I heard his first cry my tripled in size. So, whatever peice of your heart you feel is missing, don't worry the baby will make it all better.

Having a child is very difficult, and you are smarter than most to recognize that. But, there is nothing you can do about it now, so try to think positively. Be happy, some women want to get pregnant and can't. You were blessed with awesome fertility.

I felt what you are feeling right now, and it gets better as the pregnancy gets closer to the end. Once you find out the sex of the baby, choose a name, and start planning the nursery you will be so anxious for the baby to come you won't know what to do. Time will heal your pain. Until then look on the bright side. Be thankful for what you have, it's Christmas.

Congratulations, and good luck with everything. May your mood swings turn you into the right direction. Tomorrow is another day.

Answer 3

I wanted desparately to become pregnant 30 years ago... my husband could NOT get me preggers... so we went the artificial insemination route... it was a rather new procedure back in 1977 but we did it and I now have an almost 30 year old BEAUTIFUL SON who I am extremely proud of... BUT, my pregnancy was ANYTHING but a pleasant experience... I had MORNING SICKNESS 24 hours a DAY---slept maybe 4 hours a day, WORKED FULL TIME and vomited constantly.... I blew up like a house gaining 75 POUNDS and was SO uncomfortable during the entire process... however, even though my labor and delivery had NUMEROUS complications, I would have done it all again if I could have.. If you keep up this negative attitude about this baby you are carrying, you will have SEVERE problems bonding to the child once it's born and could VERY WELL have continued relation problems for the rest of YOUR LIFE.... you didn't ask for this child and TRUST ME, this child did NOT as for YOU to be it's MOTHER, but it happened, you heard the heart beat and could NOT end the pregnancy so instead of being so gloom and doom about the entire thing, why not try LOVING THIS UNBORN BABY and nurturing it NOW with all the things GOOD MOTHERS do (sing to the baby, TALK to the baby, rub your stomach, etc).... this baby deserves to be loved RIGHT FROM THE start.... listen, I am a PRO-CHOICE advocate but now that you've decided NOT to abort, change your attitude or you will be VERY SORRY for the next 18-21 YEARS and have a miserable relationship with this child--and there is NOTHING worse then a parent/child strained relationship...

By the way I was just reading some of the responses from people who were adopted as babies... How sad to see that these grownups kept the pain of how it felt to be UNWANTED BY THEIR BIRTH PARENTS with them ALL THEIR LIVES....

Answer 4

My baby is VERY much wanted, but there isn't much about pregnancy that I have enjoyed, until recently. I suffered through severe morning sickness the first 23 weeks, went to the ER for dehydration and vomiting blood, and had to be medicated until I was physically able to hold liquids down without the help of an IV. When that finally cleared up, I started gaining back the weight I lost much too quickly (19lbs. in 5 weeks, after getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight), and I bombed my first glucose tolerance test. I turned out not to be diabetic after I had the second test for confirmation, but it was a big stress for me because I constantly worried I'd be stuck with a restricted diet when I'd had so many problems eating during this pregnancy anyway. After that came the swelling and edema - I've grown out of all my shoes because my feet are seriously swollen two sizes larger - and the general aches and pains. My back, my head, my sciatic nerve. Oh, and the hemorrhoids. It's not all sunshine and rainbows.

But, I can tell you without a doubt that THE most wonderful feeling in the world is having a baby move inside of you! And, when you reach a point where you're far enough along, it becomes an interactive experience...you can watch the acrobatics from the outside, and sometimes if you tap or press, the little one will respond. It's just the most amazing thing. Also, seeing your baby on an ultrasound will make it that much more "real" and create more of an attachment. It's very cool to actually see there is a living, growing, moving being in there.

Try your local hospital - or ask your doctor, if you're comfortable enough doing so - if there are any support groups for expectant mothers in your area. Or seek counseling. Pregnancy is stressful whether it's wanted or not. Your whole life changes from a focus on you to a focus on someone you haven't even met yet...and feeling icky like you are now makes it that much more difficult to tolerate. Take it day by day. It's a major adjustment, and if you are willing to give it a shot there are people who will be willing to help every step of the way.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Bless you for deciding against abortion because you heard a heartbeat! Now get some help for your depression. Since you seem to have decided to carry this baby to term, I would advise against anti-depressant medication, since it could have undesirable effects on the fetus, but you can certainly benefit from talk therapy. There even may be a therapy group or support group for women in your situation--unhappy that they're pregnant but resolved to go through with it. If no such group exists, you might even be able to start one. If you plan to give the baby up for adoption, it would also be a good idea to start talking with a social worker and possibly even with prospective adoptive parents. There are many childless couples who would be ecstatic over the opportunity to adopt a newborn, and you should have the opportunity to make one such couple very happy AND see your child into a good, loving home. In the meantime, you know that morning sicnesss usually ends after the first trimester.

Answer 6

You are definatley not alone! Many people end up in you situation. I am very proud of you for not termintating the pregnancy. That is something that you will feel good about for the rest of your life. You do still have choices. There are lots of people that do really want a child and can't have one so consider adopting the baby out. My best suggestion is to pray ALOT about it. Ask God to either give you peace about letting the baby be adopted by someone else or ask Him to bring out the mother in you and allow you to ENJOY this time and enjoy being a mother instead of hating it. If you continue to feel this way after 9 months is up, then just adopt him out. I'm sorry you are in such a rut. Just remember that nothing lasts forever and you will get through. Try to find other things to focus on and just take 1 day at a time. There have been times when I had to just take it 1 hour at a time but I survied it and so will you and your husband. Lean on each other as well as God and THINGS WILL WORK OUT. Good luck!

Answer 7

I am sorry you feel this way.
Babies are such a blessing.

I am pregnant at such a young age ( I was seventeen when I first became pregnant now I am just barely eighteen and 35 weeks along)

I dont know if this will help you but think about holding your baby for the first time.
Think about how there is a baby living inside of you, relying on you to live!
Think about how your child will always love you, will look up to you, will come to you for advice.

Its an amazing feeling my eyes... I hope you can start to see things differently.

Good luck.

Answer 8

I don't think you are heartless unless you were to terminate pregnancy! if you and your husband aren't sure about being parents there is always adoption! If you aren't happy about it , this could cause big problems and you wouldn't be a doting parent which could cause a whole bunch of issues for you after the child is born............parenthood is a big deal!
There are so many people out there who want children and can't have them!......I know it is a hard decision but its the child you need to think about because you dont want to resent them they would sence it!
Well I hope you get some help sorry life has thrown you this curve ball...but you can get through this!
Ill be prayin for ya!

Answer 9

Wow! I can't say I relate to feeling that way (I've wanted to have babies my entire life!). My friend and her husband got pregnant on birth control and she hates being pregnant. She wasn't even sure she wanted a baby ever. But as time progressed (she's 35 weeks now), she is more and more excited about meeting her son.
How far along are you? You may find that once you feel the baby moving and find out the sex that you get excited about it. Also, are you afraid life is basically over? It's not, it just changes. And as your baby gets older, you and your husband can set more time aside for dates with each other.
Parenting is difficult and basically all-consuming, but I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything! Having my daughter look at me with this great love in her eyes and running to me just melts my heart.
I hope this helps a bit. Merry Christmas!

Answer 10

You are defanately not heartless, you kept the baby! I know you don't see being pregnant as a blessing. . .but once you hold your brand new baby for the first time, hear his/her little cry. . .your heart will melt and you will instantly know love at first sight! This baby is a part of you and your husband and it was obviously made out of love. God allows things to happen for a reason and He allowed it to happen to you. Trust me, as a mother of a two year old, being a mother is the best! Nothing is greater than those little arms wrapping around you giving you great big (or little) hugs. May your baby bring you and your husband years of joy and happiness! Good luck sweetie, you will feel better about this.