How do I get wife back after 3 months of separation?

Question

About 3 weeks ago we started going to marriage counseling and is on our 5th session. So far the counseling has been useful, but I do want her to return back home. She said that she is only going to therapy to help me but she still wants a divorce, but she has not file or mention anything about the divorce since our 3rd MC session. The MC thinks that she is calling out divorce as a defense mechanism. We have been together for 8yrs and married for 1 year. No infidelity ,physical abuse, or drug use. Just BAD communication between us.

My wife was the one that wants the divorce because she was "fed up". Even though she thinks that divorce is the best out, she starting to see that going to MC might not be too bad. Again nothing is guaranteed, it seems like she is giving a shot to work on our marriage. How do I get her to come back home? Or should I just give up?

8 yrs is a long time to throw away just because we have bad communications.

Answer 1

As all things about relationships and emotions, yours is a difficult question and a painful situation.
Obviously you still love her and value the relationship. But consider that she may feel different. There is no need of infidelity or abuse to break a relationship. Anyone can feel at one time that is tired, that is not loving the other person anymore or that she/he changed in a different way and the relationship does not fit in that new scheme.
You sound a bit anxious. Five sessions of MC is too small time to expect big changes.
You may consider wait and give her space and time to think and feel about what she really wants.
Maybe she was too young or too inmature when you went together, or she just wanted other things in life.
Try to think about what changes have happened since then: she started to study, or finished studies, or started in a new job, or with new friends? That could have produced changes in her feelings towards you and the relationship.
Another factor is that you mentioned that you lived together for 7 years and then married...and after 1 year she wants divorce. Well, that is VERY common. When you are living with someone but you are not married, you always feel that there is a door: you can use it to feel free and even get free anytime you need. But when you marry, some people begin to think that now the knot is too tight. They can feel "fed up" and even scared.
What changed when you two got married? Did you begin suddenly to meet parents and relatives, or do your relationship change in another way?
Give her space, give her time, assure her that you'll be there for her and that you'll accept and respect whatever she decides...some people need to feel free in order to commit themselves. Don't push too much, or you'll loose her

Answer 2

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Answer 3

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RE:
How do I get wife back after 3 months of separation?
About 3 weeks ago we started going to marriage counseling and is on our 5th session. So far the counseling has been useful, but I do want her to return back home. She said that she is only going to therapy to help me but she still wants a divorce, but she has not file or mention anything about the...

Answer 4

Eight years is a long commitment and is worth the time you may have to spend to renegotiate your idea of what the relationship will be. Don't pressure her. If she was fed up, she needs to know that things won't immediately go back to the status quo...and unfortunately that is what happens if there has been no real change. She has the common sense to know that if she goes home right away there will be no impetus for working on the issues. Why not start over with a few dates (no discussions just fun) that may inspire both of you to continue the work with the MC?

Answer 5

Hon, you really don't want her back until the problem(s) that caused you two to split are resolved, and it appears that they were in the area of communication. So stay in counseling. If she has no one else, and is not looking (in other words, keeping you as the 'jerk in reserve'), then your relationship will fail for the same reason it failed the first time.

And as you said, if your problems stem from lack of communication, Trust me, it really isn't your fault, nor hers. You are both likely products of our public education system. And we turn you guys out with little in the way of life skills..... we don't teach you how to shop for a spouse, budget money, nor solve issues without rage or resentment.... {apparently, she's got some resentment problems, from what you have said....("fed up")}, nor how to make a marriage work. As a public school teacher, we have failed you, failed her, and failed your marriage and any other relationship you might have. And I am so sorry.

But things are not hopeless if you stay in counseling, and learn the language of communication.... your relationship(s) cannot be successful until you get your issues out there, learn to deal with them without trouncing on the other guy's ego.

And yes, 8 years IS a long time, but as well, if you each no longer have Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust for the other, it is well that you know that soon. A marriage doesn't need 100% of all of these (except trust) all of the time...life comes in waves, and has its ups and downs, BUT if you guys just don't even like each other, then you need to examine that too.

Hope you are taking notes during your sessions... and good for each of you for trying to get your problems analyzed before you contemplate ending it.

Hope this helps

Answer 6

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Answer 7

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Answer 9

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Answer 10

just continue with the sessions and not pressure her into returning home. thats something that you both need to feel is right. dont mention to her coming back anymore til she brings it up. you need to focus on therapy and not so much on getting her back because once she does come back and things go right back to where they were than it will really be over because at that point she will think that you or the marriage wont change so she need to leave you alone altogether. so if thats not what you want than leave her alone about that. if its meant for her to come back than she will. GodBless