Difficutly with my marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 6 years now. We have a son and daughter together. But lately I have been feeling so distant from him. Like we have no connection. He is deployed right now, but I still feel like I don't love him anymore. I talk to him everyday so I feel like I dont' miss him at all. Everytime I talk to him on messenger or on the phone I just feel weird. I don't know why or what, I just feel horrible. He has lied to me in the past about a few stuff, nothing big like cheating, but on other topics. I would never dream of leaving my husband while he is fighting for our country, but I am so tired of fighting and dealing with the same stuff. We fight weekly and then we are in a good mood with one another for a couple of days before we are fighting again. Then we fight about the same stuff over and over again. I'm just tired of fighting and don't know if I love him anymore. How do you know if you love your spouse? How do you know when it is time to leave them?

I know he is stressed, that is why I am not bringing anythign up to him. I want him home so I can talk to him about all of this. I just don't know if it is just me or what!! That is why we try not to talk everyday b/c we both don't want to make each other mad. I just don't know if I love him anymore.. he says he loves me and that me and the kids are his world, but I don't know if I feel this way anymore.

I've never heard of the book... I do have other books on this type of situation though, but nothing goes in to the way i feel.

Thanks guys, I do feel disconnected from him. And I am a stay at home mom that just takes care of the kids all day. It is rough waking up doing the same thing over and over again, while he is over there telling me about him going out with friends, him doing this with friends, him doing that with friends. Just makes me feel even more lonelier b/c I don't have that many friends and it just makes life more difficult for me. I have told him that I feel weird and disconnected from him, I just don't want him worrying about our marriage when he has an important job to do there.

lol some of you guys are just out there. You are assuming I am spending his money, being mean, and just starting the fights. When in reality our big fight we just had is b/c he is on myspace over there and telling friends about some of the HOT girls he is with. Our fights are not about money b/c I am here saving for us to go on vacation and paying off our bills so when he comes home we can buy a house together. We fight over little stuff... not the big stuff that can break our relationship. I just feel out of the loop, probably b/c he is not here physically with me. I know i need to work on my emotions and need to have a heart to heart with him when he comes back. Which I am looking forward too, it is just sometimes I can't see an "us" in our future.

Ok sorry... ONE.. I am not talking to him about divorce.. I want to work on my marriage and I came on here to see if anyone else has experienced this with their spouses! I would never give up on my marriage this fast. I know I need him to come home first and see how I feel about him and be able to talk to him in person. I know we fight over the same stuff... but we never bring up the past fights. We always concentrate on the future and not on the past, b/c we know the past is the past, there is nothing you can do about the past, except fix the future from past mistakes. I am just saying I feel disconnected and lonely. I know he loves our children and will do anything for him. I know he might not come home to me and he could be killed (knock on wood) I don't care about money, money is not an issue since I have an inheritance I get monthly, so I don't need his money. It is our money.. so I am not a gold digger... I just want opinions of others who felt the same way as I DO!!! thank you

Answer 1

my hubby is deployed too. sometimes i feel the same way as u. your not alone. people don't understand military lifestyles. unless u are dealing with it. stay strong.

Answer 2

See, the trouble with the "Well, a brother and sister living co-dependently could enjoy the same benefits" implies that no two straight people have *ever* abused the marriage system when they weren't in a romantic relationship. But a sibling couple doing so would still be legally "married"; they would not then, in turn, be allowed to marry anyone they were actually romantically interested in without dissolving that partnership, with all the legal problems a divorce can cause. I mean, I suppose if a brother/sister pair (or brother/brother or sister/sister, were gay marriage legal) wanted to enter into a lifelong, non-romantic legal partnership, sure, they could conceivably demand they be granted marriage rights. But such partnerships would be rather few and far between, as I think the social stigma of demanding you be allowed to marry your sister would probably suppress that group. A more pertinent question would be on how to handle the number of participants in a marriage. If marriage is opened up from where it is now, then there's the question about whether polyamorous unions should be legally recognized. And if we then expanded marriage to allow, say, 4 members, then what about polygamists who feel socially ostracized because they have a 5-way relationship? Polygamists and brothers wanting to marry their sisters, however, constitute a tiny, tiny fraction of American society. Homosexuals, while still a minority, number far greater. Opening up marriage to same-sex couples, I believe, is a way to grant these romantic pairings the same legal rights that are currently enjoyed via similar partnerships, while minimizing the change to the overall system. Sure, the "slippery slope" argument can still be applied, but just because opening up marriage to homosexuals might open up a bigger can of worms doesn't mean it isn't a good and right thing to do.

Answer 3

It sounds like you are both under a tremendous amount of stress. I don't think it has anything to do with love. Remember what you describe as love is an emotion so go back to the commitment you made when you exchanged marriage vows.

Figure out what are the issues that spark the fighting. Are they financial? Lack of having him close by when decisions have to be made? Resolve not to fight and do what you can to help take the pressure off of both of you. Make decisions and don't trouble him since he is too far away to really be of help.

If you have parents who are supportive maybe you can consult with them on some issues so someone else is sharing the load. That will be a relief to both you and your husband.

Every marriage goes through trials, but just hang in there and work through the issues. It will be very worthwhile.

Answer 4

Before you even begin to talk divorce you should read books, seek counciling even if you have to go without your husband.
Every marriage has fights. You just have to be strong enough to put them behind you. I have only been married 8 years. And yes my husband and I used to fight over the same stuff over and over again. But when you are fighting try not to bring up the thoughts and feelings of the last fight. It will be hard to do but it will help.
Also if you just do searching online you may even find some great counciling. And try books like how to communicate with your husband. And when he gets home make sure you have a babysitter and a nice romantic time planned. My husband and I went on a marriage counciling weekend and it was perfect. Now we try hard to get at least 1 night a month to ourselves. There is alot you can do to hold on to your marriage. And whe n you feel you may not love him. Just remember why and when you feel in love to begin with. He is the same person things are just changing and you are learning new things about him even after 20 years you will still be learning new things about him. But never give up.

Answer 5

Me and my wife have been married for just over 5 years, have two kids, argue off and on, and I'm currently deployed. I'll tell you this, if I came home to divorce papers or anything less than loving arms, I would be very upset. It doesn't matter how much you argue or how distant you feel, marriage isn't something you just walk out of. Marriage isn't easy, you have to work at it as a team and make it work.

Love is like this, to give an analogy, when you fall in love and go through the begging of your marriage, you have enough love to fill a drinking glass. As time goes on you still have the same amount of love, but your glass gets bigger and next thing you know your trying to fill a bucket with one glass. What you and your husband need to do is try to make your love grow so it can fill the bucket.

Answer 6

The main thing most couples fight over is money, but I imagine since he is totally out of the picture right now, there are other issues with the home & kids.Maybe you should get into some counseling before he comes home and sort your feelings out. All marriages get in a rut, and sometimes, you just need to rekindle that spark.Take care and good luck!

Answer 7

If he is over seas, he is under a lot of stress. Right now he need your support, love and understanding. Be his friend like you were before. You can fight when he gets home. Sorry, but you sound like you are more about "you" than you are about "us", the marriage and family. If you are fighting, it is probably over little things... how can they be big with him overseas. Stop worrying about the little things and just be non-judgmental and support. You might want to see a counselor for some help on your issues. Yes, I know, they may not be your issues, but it can't hurt and might help. Do it for the kids.

Answer 8

Right now, your marriage is tough. All marriages go through times where things are difficult, but your's is especially difficult with him being so far away. It must be even harder to remember why you love him.

You need to fight through! Think of your kids, your husband, AND yourself. I know plenty of young, attractive single moms who work and keep their kids, but are miserable becaue they're lonely. I hate to sound mean, but a woman with kids is rarely desirable by most men, OR a target for bad men.

My advice is simple, "Fake it til you make it."

Too many people just give up. Then the kids suffer, 'blended' families are usually unhappy, everything becomes a mess.

I know you're lonely right now, but it gets better. The fighting will become less frequent, your kids will mature, you'll be so much happier when he comes home, and life will get easier.

Hang in there!

God bless you and your family.

Answer 9

Avoid negative psychology

Negative comments inhibit others from offering ideas. Such methods as discounting people or their ideas, even in subtle and unintended ways. For example the word 'but' discounts all that was said beforehand.

Seek positive synergies

Positive energies that enthuse and energise people and build on each others' ideas. Everyone should expect to contribute to their full potential. This is not a session for passengers or observers.

Assume positive intent

Most negative behaviour is triggered by fear. If you feel threatened you will act that way, which can trigger corrosive reactions.

If, on the other hand, you assume that other people think well of you, even if you offer half-thought-out ideas, then you are far more likely to join openly in creative discussions.

Good Luck

Answer 10

I think the way your feeling is normal, Your husband is far away, your missing him and he's missing you, sure there is anger from you both this is so hard to be away.. Sometimes we distance ourselfs from people we love, because we're afraid we're going to loose them and with him being in danger you might just be afraid he won't come home, so there fore your pushing him away so it won't hurt so bad and he could be doing the same.. Don't let go of him, I'm sure you still love him and want him more than you'll let yourself feel and him the same..Think about the day he is back in your arms and kissing you and you feel safe again with him...Now is not a time to leave,, Be proud of him for saving our lives and try to understand what he is going thru right now, Let him know how much you love him and how you long for him to be home with you and your children.. He needs to feel you have his back right now and your going to be there when he gets home..I'm sure he thinking you might not be and that angers and worries him.. You have nothing to loose to wait for him to get home.. I'm sure once your back together your feelings will be right back where they should be.. Hold on....Its worth the wait,,, You'll see.....

Answer 11

Seems like you've got a loaded situation right now. I'd definitely talk with a counselor before you make any decisions, especially since you have children together and he is deployed. Have you thought or asked him how he is feeling lately? This also may be helpful to understand why you are arguing alot. Sometimes, we don't know what is going on with the other person and how they are feeling. That's my two cents...