I'm 20 years old. my boyfriend is also 20. He tries to make decisions for me and tell me what to do. In a way I think, well if you love someone, then you should try not to do things that you know are really going to bother them.
But at the same time, I don't think it's fair for him to tell me what I can and can't do in my life. I only have one life to live and if I keep doing what he says then I'm not living my life, I'm letting him live it for me. Is it fair for him to expect me to do that?
2007-12-24 17:05:56 · 30 answers · asked by Shannon XoXo 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
even if I want to be a model? This is what I want to do and what he has a huge issue with. Does it make any difference what it is that he's telling me not to do?
2007-12-24 17:14:40 · update #1
He's probably thinking he's just giving you advice.
Simply say, very kindly, "Thanks for the advice. I'll take that into account when I'm making my decision."
If that doesn't work, and you think he's going to escalate the behavior, get out of the relationship. Get out now. Men who are super-controlling so often become abusive. Don't get caught in the cycle.
I have a very good friend who just left her husband and the state this week, because his behavior was escalating to the point that he was abusing their son. Don't let it go there.
But have a good holiday, and don't worry about it if it isn't too serious. Just keep an eye on the situation. Step back every once in a while and try to reevaluate things when you're not being really emotional. Don't be afraid to be alone. It's way better than being in a relationship that isn't working...(if it isn't working for you).
Couples' counseling can do wonders for a salvageable relationship.
2007-12-24 17:22:10 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your BF sounds very bossy and controlling. You need to live your own life; that will be the best way to learn. What makes him the expert, anyway? You are the same age. And he is clearly not listening to you and to YOUR feelings - which is a really, really bad sign. So - why would you want to stay with someone who is controlling and does not care about what you want?
2007-12-25 01:11:10 · answer #2 · answered by eldots53 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Did you ask for his advice? if not, then no he should not tell you what to do. You love him and maybe this is his way of showing love and care. Next time he gives advice tell him you really respect his point of view and you will certainly take it into consideration when you make your final decision. If he does not get the hint, then maybe there is more of a problem there than you think.
2007-12-25 01:14:01 · answer #3 · answered by yourumbrella 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well you seem pretty enlightened for 20 years old.
You're right. You have ONE life. ONE!
Obviously this guy is more immature than you, so dump him and move on.
It's called facism. He's a facist and wants to control you because he's afraid of anyone having a free mind. He'll NEVER quit unless you dump him, as sad as that sounds.
Why do I claim to know this?
Because I used to be this guy. I was always the "wiser" and "smarter" and manipulating my girlfriend into thinking like me. I thought I loved her and wanted the best for her, but I was young and dumb. Too bad she listened! Once she became just the way I insisted, she was no longer exciting to be with. I cheated on her behind her back with different girls and finally just moved away pretending to still be "together".
She got sick of waiting for me to call and moved on. After the shock of her finally standing up to me, I had to introspect and realize that difference of opinions is what is really sexy.
I practiced and practiced and ended up finding a great girl (still battling trying to persuade). Eventually I stopped being that way completely and have been married 15 years, HAPPILY. I swear it's like we still just met, because I let her be her and she let's me be me.
It doesn't matter what you want to do. The point is, YOU want to do it. Get rid of him and find someone less jealous.
2007-12-25 01:16:28 · answer #4 · answered by Bernie H 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I have gone threw the same thing. Your boyfriend has control issues. It could be a fear of you succeeding at achieving your goal and leaving him once you do. You need to take control of your own life. Your being abused. He's trying to isolate you and control you. Not only is it mental abuse but also emotional. If he truly loved you he wouldn't be treating you this way. He'd be giving you his advice not making your decisions for you.
2007-12-25 01:42:33 · answer #5 · answered by T 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Never! At 20 neither of you know enough about life to guide the other. He is treating you like his child, and that will be a life long problem. It is called control and some men think women need that. We don't, not since the 18th century. You need to look at why you are still putting up with him. Staying with him doesn't allow you to meet someone who is mature enough to love you unconditionally.
Men (or anyone else) who tells others what to do are trying to be more important than the one they are supposedly helping. The saying "Don't do for someone else what they can do for themselves" is good to say to yourself if you find yourself trying to change others, and your bf needs to back off and say this to himself when he is relating to others. He is not your brother, your father or any other person in your life who may, at times, give you advice. He is supposed to love you, period! If there are problems, than talking about it and coming to a compromise works. But not telling someone what to do.
My husband of 10 years tried this, but I know how to set boundaries and how to ignore his controlling behavior. He is insecure, but that is his problem and stems from years before I married him. I deal with my issues; he has to deal with his, but not to use me to make himself feel better.
This doesn't go away; don't marry this man, or you will have worse problems once he feels he owns you..i.e. marrying you.
2007-12-25 01:13:52 · answer #6 · answered by dutchlady 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sounds like you are a smart lady. Keep doing your own thinking but always remember to be reasonable. Don't do things to spite others. Ladies need to know they are capable of standing on their own two feet and don't need a guy to boss them around. Always stand up for yourself. There are many times when we need to ask an opinion on things and issues, but that doesn't mean we have to do anything we choose not to do. Good luck.
2007-12-25 01:33:01 · answer #7 · answered by Jan C 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
No, it's not fair of him. Be forewarned, Abusive people start out by being very controlling. Just a little warning.
EDIT: He is having problems with your career choice? That makes it even worse! He should be supportive. *Again... see above warning*
2007-12-25 01:10:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Of course it's not fair. Only you know what's best for you. He can offer you advice on certain things, but only if you ask him to. Like you said, you only have one life. Maybe you should continue yours without him.
2007-12-25 01:12:50 · answer #9 · answered by cindos_69 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to do what makes you happy. It might be a good idea to take other opinions "under advisement", but it's not something you have to do. And while he may think he's helping, he is in fact being controlling.
2007-12-25 01:12:34 · answer #10 · answered by kj 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋