Will this marriage survive? I need advice badly from older generation.?

Question

My husband and I have been married 3 years - my second marriage, his third. We have little in common...he likes racing, I like football. We were fine and happy for the first two years and then I became sick. It wasn't a serious illness, but it could have led to one. I spent a lot of time going to doctors trying to get a diagnosis. When I finally got one and got surgery, he accuses me of not caring how my illness affected him. He sleeps on the couch and works all the time including on Christmas. What do I do to save the marriage or is it too far gone?

Answer 1

Is he right? How much time have you spent/did you spend getting HIM some help (or helping him) deal with HIS issues related to your illness.

Having a spouse who is seriously ill can cause depression, confusion, anger, hurt......many of the same issues that you would have felt. He needed help, too.....and is telling you NOW that he still does.

It's not too late.....but you need to make sure his emotional needs are attended to.

Answer 2

I guess I'm the older generation...late 40's, does that count?

The specific issue doesn't matter...whether it be finances, health, children, in-laws, every marriage has its challenges. The important thing is how you handle the issues that come up, and apparently the two of you don't do well in this area.
The fact that you've both been married before suggests this isn't a new problem for either of you, and it worries me that you feel you have nothing in common--why did you two get married if that is the case?

I am not sure whether your marriage can survive or not, but I do know this: it definitely won't if you try to go on like you are now. You need counseling from a good marriage therapist, and even then you both must be willing and able to change your ways.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm not an older generation so we can just vote on this answer.

I don't think a couple needs to have everything in common in order to connect. I think a couple must be open minded to each others likes and dislikes and compromise. And find hobby's that you both enjoy. I am sure he was very scared when you were sick and had a hard time comforting you- maybe he needs to talk about how he feels.

I am learning that relationships take work and effort.
My guy and I have been really disconnected during very turbulent times such as financial problems and unplanned house guest (my mom who doesn't want to leave). Under the stress we didn't lean on each other. and he slept on the floor, I stayed several nights at my grandmothers and boy did we fight! . Then we realized that we just need to make 1 or 2 days for us. We go out to dinner, watch a movie, cook dinner together, work out together, or just whatever. It really helped us during hard times.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I am that older generation. . .The fact you have differences is a good thing, no 2 people can like the same thing all the time... I am alittle upset that in your time of need, he would turn his back on you. He needs to grow up and stop being so selfish. . It's almost as if he is trying to punish you for getting sick. I know you love him but if he is going to act so childish, I think I would think long and hard about staying with someone that is so immature. My God, in the vows, it was for better or for worse...What if the shoe was on the other foot and it was he that got sick, I know you would be by his side and help him through it. This relationshop can't be one sided, if it is, it won't survive. Being married, means being there for one another not matter what;

Answer 5

You need to work out your marriage with your husband. At least try. If it comes to the point where the emotional abuse is overwhelming and his personality disorder is directly harming you to the point where you two can't live or work with each other, I'd Biblically study divorce. I don't really like the idea of divorce, but you're truly caught between a rock and a hard place. Furthermore, this man could very well be a temptation to cheat on your husband. I would definitely not look into getting more involved with said man until you (if you decide to) divorce your husband. Satan knows what's happening to you. He knows your marriage is crumbling and he wants nothing more than to make you weak so that he can destroy you and your marriage. Here's what I suggest: *Try your hardest to reconcile with your husband. Counseling, talking it out, frequent outtings with each other...the works. See if you can get this personality disorder diagnosed because it'll be safer for the both of you...emotionally and physically. *Read what God has to say about divorce. Make your decisions accordingly. *After getting a divorce, if you so choose, don't jump into a serious relationship with this other man. You need time to cool off and get stronger with God and get your life together before you fling yourself into the arms of a man who (possibly) only looks good as of now because of the predicament you find yourself in. Get to know him as a friend first and take things slowly. The grass is always seems greener on the other side. *Make sure this man is a Christian and truly follows God. You do not want to marry someone unequally yoked again. MOST IMPORTANTLY!!!!!: Stay strong in God's Word and become closer to Him. Only then will you find peace with yourself, your marriage, your husband, and this other man. God bless :D I hope everything works out for you...and as long as you put God first and not your flesh...it will.

Answer 6

Did you care how your illness affected him? I'm sure a lot of your energy and worry naturally went towards surviving through everything, whose wouldn't? But did you only care about your own struggles, and even afterwards when things became better for you? If that is true then he has a point. If you didn't and haven't bothered to acknowledge how much he had to go through as well, then he has grounds to feel as though his marriage to you is only or mostly about you, and he might feel that it isn't worth it. So you need to talk to him and find out what he needs in the marriage so that it becomes about the two of you.

And this type of thing happens often not with illness but with pregnancy. The woman will be so concerned with herself and her pregnancy that she doesn't notice or even feel that the man is going through a lot concerning the pregnancy as well.

Answer 7

I'm a man 48 years old I've been married 4 times.
Men really don't act that fragile.. and you had to have surgery.... So no Sorry I dont buy this at all. You were sick.wow and why would he even mention how it affected him.
Is there more money on his check with all of this over time pay? If so then if you both don't really need the over time pay Is he really at work? even on the holiday... Nope still don't buy it Investigate this... somethings going on.
I'd get a different car and follow him... don't have someone else do it either they could lie. after he leaves for work on christmas day give him an hour to get to work then go there to see if his car is there....

Answer 8

You two have a lot of finding common ground to do. Two or three years is actually just getting past the "in love" infatuation, so where you're at is actually perfectly normal.

I could go on and on, but my suggestion (I've been married almost 21 years) is to buy a copy of Harville Hendrix' book "Getting The Love You Want" and **BOTH of you** work through all of the exercises.

Good luck.

(P.S. I've handled my wife's illnesses quite badly and come to understand they were part of our growing up. I wish I'd done better...)

Answer 9

Its dangerously close toending but not quite there yet but this is too big a problem for either ofyou to overcome without professional counseling. Without outside help,its surely doomed to end.Now counseling will helpif both want the same result and are willing to do whatever it takes to save it and enter counseling with an open heart and mind. Good luck and Happy Holidays

Answer 10

...and this why you are supposed to marry someone you have a link with, not just someone who asks.

Your husband apparently feels slighted by something... the illness or the lack of communication, (did you tell him about all the appointments, as well as ask him along?) did you stop being affectionate when the illness began, but didn't really tell him why you stopped affections? It could be a bunch of things.

Sit down and try to talk. If he doesn't listen and you aren't happy, you may need to move on...