Seperation or divorce?

Question

Wife wants to get a legal separation and says that when/if I find another woman I want to marry then we can do the actual divorce (FYI she wants out). She knows I want to date and hopefully remarry at some point because I want to have a wife that loves me forever (things are ending amicably and without drama or lawyers). She doesn't plan on dating until much later, when the kids are grown, so she sees no rush and we really are like each others best friends.

Should I do it this way? What will future prospects (dates) think about this? We are also planning on living near each other so we can both have unlimited access to the kids. One reason I considered this is because of the stigma of divorce! What do you think?

She is quite alright with me dating, she says I deserve to be happy and that she "loves me" but is not "in love" with me, so i should find someone who is or will be.

Answer 1

I would suggest getting the divorce now. You never know how feelings are going to change, so if and when you decide to get remarried you never know if she is going to be childish about it and give you a hard time with the divorce. Also, when you are dating a woman is definatly going to be easier to understand a divorce than a seperation.

I know I would be upset if the man I was dating was technically married still.

Answer 2

I agree with "Bob P" a relationship should be a two way street, and a break from a relationship is just that.
What I am hearing is that she still wants one thing...the benefits of being a wife. I f she chooses to be your wife again, let her earn it the way she did it the first time. As a man you should not be considered as helpless because you are tied to your wife. If you find another woman to marry she will definitely make waves, and besides, the longer you stay together on paper the more her financial gain is. Living near each other is a wonderful idea so long as after the divorce is final that she is able to keep her end of the bargain. I would insert into the divorce like so many others do, that the children should live near you, or at least accessible to you.
The stigma of divorce went out in the 70's and the 80's when Time Magazine announced a new genration of kids called " latch key " kids! (this applies to religious circles as well)
It is a difficult decision but do remember that you are a person, and you rneeds are just as important..

Answer 3

My parents were never married but were together for many years. When they separated it felt like a divorce because of the way it affected me and the other siblings. Either way its going to be a little rough. Personally I think you should just go with a divorce because if you ever think about dating someone else there might be a lot of drama there. She (your date) might feel as if your still holding on to feelings or attachments from your marriage which is why you wouldn't make it final. It may be a discussion right now but it can turn into a really ugly argument later on because one or the other can use the "but were still married" card. I love the fact that your living close for the kids that should make it easier on them, and the reassurance that it is not their fault. Hope this helps!

Answer 4

Divorce. If you are going to do something, commit to it. If she honestly wants out and you do too, why dance around it? Especially if you want to remarry in the future. Might as well do it now when you are both ok with each other. because who knows what may happen later on with your feelings with each other? (and don't tell me you know that won't happen because obviously you couldn't predict this would happen when you married her in the first place)

When you divorce, you'll still be able to be friends and see your kids. If you think separation will make it easier on your kids, it won't. because either way, you guys are not together anymore. at least this way your kids won't get confused and think there is "hope" that you two will get back together.

Future prospects most likely will think that way too. Being separated gives a sense of hope with your past. So its better to make them understand that past is past and that you have no legal ties with it.

if you are worried of the stigmas of divorce, you are letting other people's opinion of you keep you from living your life? is that ok with you? to let other people care about your affairs enough to control your actions?

Being separated just prolongs the process.

Answer 5

I think there are a whole lot of different things you need to consider, and some of them, like legal issues and impact on children, I don't know much about. But I can give you my perspective as a single, dating woman in my early 30s.

If a man is separated but not divorced, and the couple has had adequate time and opportunity to obtain the divorce, I'd be hesitant to date him. I would wonder why the divorce hasn't happened yet, and I'd see such a guy as less available than someone who's actually divorced.

My two cents....

Answer 6

Go ahead while you're getting along with one another and hire one lawyer to handle a divorce. It will be way easier to do it now than to wait until one of you gets jealous. And it's less expensive if the two of you are not fighting over property and custody. For example, my wife and I were married for 25 years. We decided we would be happier on our own. We went to one lawyer and had a divorce and property settlement handled. Our total legal fees were under $500.00. We had already talked out our property settlement before we ever saw the lawyer. We never even had to appear in court. The one lawyer handled the papers for both of us.

Had we waited a few years I don't think it would have worked. As it turns out, we are still friends although we don't find the need to visit or talk often. If we pass one another we do wave or say hi.

I had a couple hundred acres of land with six homes on it out in the country. I had them before we met and the property as well. So I let her pick out the one she wanted and gave it to her with a nice piece of land. She had a substantial amount of money she inherited from her parents when they passed away. I didn't ask for any of that. We both felt like if property was owned prior to the marriage or inherited it wasn't community property. She's happy, I'm happy, and the grown kids are happy.

We both know that when either of us dies the land and houses go to our children. And we both always wanted the best for the children.

Some states don't have a "legal separation." They only have divorce.

Answer 7

Divorce her. She will benefit in a separation. She is having her cake and eating it to with a separation. Move on with your life. You are right, other women will still consider you married so if she wants out, give it to her with a divorce. Keep in mind, you are not the only couple going through this and won't be the last. Many children are not traumatized by having divorced parents. Keep in touch with them and reinforce your love for them. Things will work out for you. Be strong and hang in there. Good luck.

Answer 8

I see it this way.For some reason she wants some control over you. She wants to approve of your new wife. She could make it nasty for you later. Stigma with divorce ? There is no such thing in this day and age. What is it now, 60-70% of all marriages end in divorce ? I'm glad things are nice between you right now, all things considered. But I would insist on a divorce now. Just my 2 cents.

Answer 9

I sounds like you are both being adult about this. Fantastic! My thought would be to go with the legal separation and just see how it rolls. As for prospective partners in the future the right person will understand. Please remember to let the kids know that even if the marriage is over the family is still there. In this day and age the word family can describe many combinations of relationships. Good Luck and best wishes to you and yours this Christmas

Answer 10

Keep in mind that during a separation YOU are still finanically responsible for your wife. IF she gets her own place and doesn't work YOU can be held liable for any rent she owes. ANY bills she racks up (credit cards or loans) and doesn't pay the collectors can come to YOU for payement because you are STILL married. Of COURSE she doesn't want to divorce, divorce will cut her off. Seperated she can get a new car, a great apartment, run up credit card bills and then walk away leaving YOU holding the bag to pay for it all and screw up YOUR credit as well as her's. Is that what YOU want? Get a divorce.