My parents and my husband don't get along. Long story short..my husband and I reconciled after a short separation and my parents are still bitter about the reasons that we separated...my husband is the kind of person who if someone doesn't like him he won't subject himself to being around them...my parents are the kind of people who expect spouses to go to family events regardless of the circumstances and try to keep personal differences to oneself during the event or holiday...My husband has just informed me that he is not going to go to my parents' for Christmas dinner because he is not going to be around a bunch of people who will be nice to his face and the minute he is gone talk trash about him and how he did me wrong before the separation. He thinks that he is doing me a favor by not putting himself in their presence, but the truth is I will catch just as much crap by him not being there. What should I do?
2007-12-24 09:47:56 · 23 answers · asked by hotrodgirl1973 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My husband and I have been in a similar situation before, where his parents and his sister did not like me, and if he would go over there alone they would talk bad about me to him. I felt very uncomfortable, and I did what your husband is doing and refused to go over there and pretend like we all like each other when we don't. It's way too stressful, and don't need that kind of nonsense anyway. So I understand where your husband is coming from.
My husband's solution was to tell his family that unless the started treating me with respect, they wouldn't see him anymore. They ignored him and kept on treating me like crap and talking bad about me to him, so he kept his word and stopped going over there for holidays. It took about two and a half years' worth of holidays, but they finally got sick of never seeing their son and decided to straighten up, mind their own business and act like adults. So now we have lovely visits with them, and I respect and love my husband even more for putting me and our marriage first.
At the very least, out of respect for your husband you should excuse him from attending your family events. Why would you want him to be around people who don't like him? The better solution is to draw a boundary line around your marriage and keep other people and their opinions out.
2007-12-24 10:03:18 · answer #1 · answered by No Shortage 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
You have one of two choices....
1....Don't go. Sounds like your parents will raise Holy Heck but Hon, your place is with your Husband reguardless. They should honor your decision and keep their opinions about it to themselves. If they question why tell them the truth...your husband will not go because they are polite to his face and talk trash about him the moment his back is turned. Since your place is with him, you won't be going.
or
2. Go. When they start in tell them the subject is not up for discussion and if they insist on giving you a hard time or start in on your husband, you will leave.Period.
Honey, they are doing it because you are permitting it. You already know their feelings on the subject, they don't have to play it over and over like the perverbial broken record. Point out if you have forgiven the guy they should too, out of respect for you. They can have their opinions, you just don't need to hear them over and over. At least your husband is being honest and not putting on a false face for the sake of appearing welcoming when in fact they are not. My mother had an expression for that......Two faced.
2007-12-24 10:02:10 · answer #2 · answered by The Original GarnetGlitter 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My family has a similar problem. Believe me it IS better that he just stays home while you and kids or whatever go to that side of the family's event. My uncle's family absolutely hates us. They are nice to our faces and then talk lies and trash about us. I mean this family has problems but I still don't care if they are so rude for no reason. I don't necessarily say this about your family but that is probably what he feels like. Be open-minded and understanding, just let him stay home, it isn't a big deal at all. And yes. He probably might get the same amount, but it is better that they say those things while he is not around. It is better to have gossip then a full on family fude.
-kadie j
2007-12-24 09:55:51 · answer #3 · answered by Kadie J 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You two are a couple so act like one.
It might be a good idea for your husband to apologize to your family for the way he treated you before you separated.
It is the polite thing to do since they know what went on. If he is not comfortable doing that then he can write a note to them.
You also need to accept responsiblity for your part of the problems in your marriage to your family and for involving them in your marriage.
But you all are a couple and need to be treated as one.
2007-12-27 11:56:43 · answer #4 · answered by BeautyQueen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell them exactly this : he is not going to go to my parents' for Christmas dinner because he is not going to be around a bunch of people who will be nice to his face and the minute he is gone talk trash about him
2007-12-24 11:33:29 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm in the same situation, although, I'm with my husband on this issue. My family makes things uncomfortable for me and my husband. We are closer to his parents.
We spend the majority of the day with his family. Then we make an appearance at my family's house for desert. We say we can stay for an hour.
It's hard, but in a marriage people do need to compromise and do things we don't want to do sometimes. But it's only for a little bit. Sometimes I talk to my in-laws and they tell my husband to suck it up and go for an hour because it means a lot to his wife (me).
I don't want to go either, but it's easier having him with me. I do tell my family how we feel and what we are asking for in terms of respect. Until then, we stay for an hour and leave.
The other thing you can do is stay home with your husband, or go alone to your family's house and tell your family the truth if it's that uncomfortable.
2007-12-24 09:59:43 · answer #6 · answered by Erica, AKA Stretch 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Stay home with your husband. Your parents need to understand you have your own life and THEY need to grow up a little. If you go, it will cause further problems with your husband because you will resent having to hear your parents complain,
2007-12-24 10:16:56 · answer #7 · answered by sdcurran1 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stay at home with hubby. He'll be suprised and happy and unless you answer the phone you dont have to hear not crap. Its your life dear live it! He should not have done you wrong but you forgave him and you two are to gether and I dont blame him I wouldnt go either. I hate people that kiss your butt and talk trash. They are fake and I dont tolirate it either. Best wishes. Merry Christmas ( a time for family)
2007-12-24 09:56:12 · answer #8 · answered by lyttledarlin 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Your husband has a good point. Who wants to sit around a table with people pretending that they like you when you and they both know they can't stand you? Oh yeah, that sounds like a whole lot of fun to me! NOT!
Let him stay home. And if your parents give you any grief over it, tell them the topic is NOT open to discussion, and if they try to continue the topic, get up and leave. They will only give you as much crap as YOU allow them to, so it's YOUR choice to take it or not.
2007-12-24 09:54:27 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 2⤋
If your husband does not want to go to your parents for dinner than go alone, even if you know they will be offended at least you are there with them.
2007-12-24 13:42:39 · answer #10 · answered by mmurray001 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋