I'm pregnant and very unsure..begging for advice.?

Question

I just found out I was pregant a few days ago & I am very unsure. My situation is a bad one and not because of the baby. The father can not be there for the baby, and he thinks an abortion is appropriate because he can't be around and he doesn't want the child to think he is a dead beat. I know how it sounds. But the father simply can not be around for our child, and I am very unsure about raising a child on my own, however, I could never see myself having an abortion. At the same time, I am not ready. & I can not see myself having a child either at this point in my life. But I know that this is a result of two people's actions and not that of my unborn child. & it should not be punished. I dont want to go against the father with the issue, but I'm not backing down for my baby either. Is there any advice on how to get him to see it my way? that this is our child and we can't punish it for our actions.Please share your experiences and give me some advice..I sure could use it.

Answer 1

You can't change his mind. He's made his decision. Is he married? Is that we he "cant' be around" for this baby?

You say you don't want to "go against the father" on this, but unfortunately for you, your loyalty should lie with your BABY. Since he's made it clear he wants no part of it, that forces you to exclude him from your decision making and do what's best for you and baby.

You can either gather up the strength to face this alone or give your baby up for adoption. I'd hate to see you do that because I think that you can do it. You didn't say in your post that you don't want to be a mom, you said you don't know if you can do it on your own. Well when you want something, you figure out a way to get it done.

You are not in an easy situation, but you have to be responsible for your actions. You picked that guy and now you have to deal with the reality of it. Your baby is innocent.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, you cannot change his mind. And, judging from what you have said, I am not sure he should be around the child. Forcing a man to be a part of a child's life when he has made it clear he does not want to be, is not healthy for anyone - the mother, the father, and especially not the child. Some men just do not want to be fathers. Other men just do not want to stand up and do what's right. You should not try to force him to be a parent, the same way he should not force you not to be. If you are sure you cannot raise the child, there is a third option. Adoption. There are some agencies that will let you hand-pick the family it goes to. Some people are very opposed to it, some people are not sure about, some think it is great. What other people think is NOT important. Doing what is right for the child IS. So, it comes to this - do you want to raise the child alone? Or do you want to put it up for adoption? There is no shame in either choice. It is clear you want to protect the child. GOOD FOR YOU! This is the biggest decision you will ever make. One that will impact a lot of lives. But you already know that. Try this. Sit down alone and write out a list of pros and cons for each option you see. Then weigh them out and decide. One last thing, if you decide to keep the child or give up for adoption, be prepared for the dad to object. When he does, ask for his support in your decision. If he is not willing to be supportive of your choice, consider whether he is the kind of man you really want to be with. I have serious doubts about a man who will not do the right thing in a serious situation. If you cannot depend on him during a time as special as this, how can you ever depend on him? and,, more importantly, why would you want to? Good luck! I pray God's wisdom and peace on you and your decision. Email me anytime. I'll help any way I can.

Answer 3

Have you asked yourself this question - If the father isn't able to be there for the baby, then why does his opinion of what you do with the baby matter at all to you?

The decision is ultimately yours, but I am going to say I am staunchly against abortion for some of the reasons you have described. You are right, this baby is because of the actions of two people, and normally I would say that dad should have some say in what to do about this baby. However, in your case, he's already made it clear he can't be there. In my opinion, he has no say for this reason alone.

You haven't said adoption is an option, but I think it is one you should seriously consider. If you know you aren't ready for a baby, and yet you are unwilling to kill your baby (because that's what it ultimately is), then choose adoption. My husband and I are unable to have children, and our hearts ache for a child. It hurts so much to hear of women having abortions because the baby will be an 'inconvenience' to them. Adoptions today can be open, so you can form a relationship with the adoptive family and can still be a part of the child's life.

Normally I don't feel any remorse for people in your situation, because I'm an advocate of 'if you're not ready for a baby, you're not ready for sex'. In this case, I do feel for you. Now is the time to be truly open and honest with yourself. You know deep down what's the right thing to do. Remember that selfishness has no place in a person's life when a baby must be considered, and I truly believe that abortion because of 'inconvenience' is a selfish decision to make.

You are more than free to email me if you wish. Keep your chin up, and good luck. You will get through this, as many women before you have.

By the way, the father's attitude of 'abort, because I don't want the baby to think I'm a deadbeat' is also very selfish. If he's not going to do what it takes to support the baby, he IS a deadbeat. And this is coming from someone who's biological father is one.

Answer 4

You need to see a woman's counselor and soon - this is a very weighty issue that requires careful thought and consideration. There are options:
1 - keep the baby - it will be hard but with family support it is doable
2 - adoption - you can choose to give birth then let someone else raise the child (open adoption is a great option because then you get to see how your child is doing) - or a private adoption where you just let the child go (much harder)
3 - abortion - this terminates the pregnancy but not how you feel about it - you will need counseling because your body will go through the same emotions as if you miscarried - you will get through it and you will not forget.

There is no easy answer to a "surprise" pregnancy - but there is help. Seek counseling and make the decision that works best for you - you alone will have to live with whatever decision you make. The man who is responsible may not want to be a deadbeat but if you decide to keep the child he will be made to support it anyway (messy and painful but the money will help). Please get help in making this decision so you can know all your options and make the decision that works for you. Don't let others force your decision they don't have to live with the consequences. No matter the decision you make your life is changed - make a decision you can live with. Good Luck!

Answer 5

First of all, while it did take two of you to get into this situation, it is now your body that will either be dealing with the pregnancy or the abortion.

If you do not want to get an abortion but also do not feel able to take care of the child, then have it and put it up for adoption. You are right, you should not punish the child but stop punishing yourself, too. You made a bad decision - we all do at some point. Now, you have the chance to make a good decision - only you can decide what that is.

Be strong in whatever you decide and please give some serious thought to whether you should continue your relationship with this man or not.

Answer 6

If you have thoroughly - and unemotionally - researched abortion, you will learn that it isn't that big a deal medically...despite what the propoganda states...as long as you are within the first 3 months. It gets a bit more risky after that, so do your research, and if that is your decision, you will be fine if you don't wait.
However, I do respect your view - and agree with you - that you shouldn't count on this guy being there and you are not ready or able to be a single parent. Parenting is not easy, not like raising a puppy or carrying a baby doll. It's 18 years (minimum) of hard work, heartache and joy. And you'll be denying yourself and your child alot of experience if you decided to keep it. So my suggestion would be to investigate adoption IF you are absolutely sure you will not have an abortion. There are alot of childless couples that would love and cherish your baby and give him/her all that you can't. And some adoptions are open, meaning you will learn how your child develops over the years. Good luck, whatever your decision. And after this time in your life is over, please get yourself some good reliable birth control!

Answer 7

If you're uncomfortable with the thought of abortion then that isn't something you should even keep as an option...so toss that one.

That leaves keeping the baby and making a go of it on your own and adoption, both viable choices.

If you *want* the baby, you'll find a way to make it work with or without the father. His concern that the baby would grown to think that he's a deadbeat shouldn't be of concern. As long as YOU don't make a deal out of it, the kiddo will never even think that's the case and once babe's old enough to possibly hear it from somewhere else, they're old enough to explain the situation fully so that they understand why you made the decision to make a go of it on your own. I was raised by my mother without a father present and never questioned WHY he wasn't there...it was a non-issue.

Adoption is a wonderful option if you can deal with knowing that the baby is out there somewhere and you're NOT raising it. Open adoptions are always a possibility, too.

Best of luck to you and Happy Holidays!

Answer 8

The difficult thing about all of this is that you cannot force somebody to change their mind. However, it is your body, you have the ultimate choice, nobody can make you abort the baby. If you feel strongly about keeping him/her don't let anybody change your mind or feel unsure about your decision! I would try talking to him once more, to tell him your view on things, but ultimately you have the final say on what happens to your child. Don't let him feel he can force you to do anything you are against (especially if the reason why he doesn't want you to have him/her is because he doesn't want his child to think he is a deadbeat!) Have faith in your decision.


And about not being able to see yourself from having a child, I have a few friends who were in the same situation that you are in. They had the baby and love them unconditionally like they never thought they would. Its tough, but man is it worth it. Also there is the option of adoption. I have known many couples out there that want to give a child a loving home.You could be blessing your child and a family who cannot have a child of their own by letting them adopt if you decide not to keep the baby. I hope that I have been of some help! And good luck!! Let us know what you decide!

Answer 9

Have you thought about adoption?? You sound as if you are not ready to have a child at this point in your life, but are conflicted because of moral issues. You don't have to have an abortion and you don't have to raise this child. You view abortion as punishing your unborn child. Would it not be punishing your child if you were unable to provide financially and emotionally once it is born. There are so many people who desperately want a baby and are able to give that child everything it needs. It is something you should consider.

Answer 10

the father made a bigger mistake, but you shouldn't think of him, he is a very selfish man , if he didn't want you pregnant why have an affair in the first place? why stay with a wife "he doesn't like so much?" isay think of what is in your and the baby's best interest btw yes you have sinned and where i come from we only go on unsupervised dates after marriage as a person who wants to help you i say either force him to pay for the baby by going to court if you want to keep the baby or opt for adoption if you cannot be a single mother. now get a stable job, a higher education , then find a decent guy to marry who will help you raise the child i think that if you had an abortion or gave up your baby you will regret it for the rest of your life esp if you have the means to be a mother and provide whatever the baby needs. don't even think of the father , just because he is the child's biological parent , it doesn't mean that he has a say in it now. he only wants to get rid of the responsiblity and look like a good husband to continue fooling his wife and kids . he wants to have a family amd a mistress at the same time and he has no plans on having a real commitment with you. end it now and then decide what you want to do about the baby and move on with your life.