i have a problem?

Question

i have some trusting and jealousy issues with my hubby. i think because im insecure of myself and from the way i was treated with past relationships. it really got worse after i had our second kid who is now 10 mos. anyway. he also has trusting and jealousy issues also. so we dont let eachother go out or anything. well the other day i looked on the computer and his myspace account was loged in so as a jealous wife does i snooped. and i found messages from and to a co worker (who is female) and i saw him saying "sorry i didnt comment you back but i have a jealous wife" " she must think i have some kind of mojo. and then she messaged him back saying " well you do have a smile that melts women" now i was beond pissed at this and flipped out. we faught all week over it. and now sice that happed. things are worse for me. is he hiding anything else from me? why was he being sneeky? im his wife you know. can anyone else relate? and how can i get over myself and not be so insecure?

Answer 1

You get over jealousy by just not allowing yourself to BE jealous...and you do that by realizing what jealousy says about you: that you're insecure, and that you've surrendered some level of control over yourself to someone else (whoever pushes your buttons accidentally or on purpose). Jealousy is ALWAYS about insecurity, never about love. That's one issue. The second issue is this:Your husband doesn't sound as if he's being especially trustworthy; I find it odd that person who has been a victim of deceitful behavior would turn around and do it to someone else, but his clandestine correspondence that you found (which you shouldn't have been snooping through anyway) seems to indicate that he is. That sucks, and on some level it would seem to be a good reason to become even more jealous. But I think the opposite is true: this is all the more reason to lessen the grip that jealousy has over you. Think of it this way: If jealousy is a weapon that can be used against you you could conceivably leave it lying around with someone who you know you could trust because there's no chance it would accidentally be "deployed". On the other hand, if you left a weapon around someone whose trustworthiness is dubious, the chances of it going off are greatly increased...and in fact likely. See, like you said, things are worse for you now: you're fighting all the time, and your life is now filled with doubts. Most of that isn't incidental jealousy because you're actually responding to something that has occurred, but as long as you feel that way, your responses can be manipulated. You have to train yourself to not care....(or in cases where you can't NOT care, you must at least give the appearance that you don't.) This gives you back some measure of self-power. (And the more you pretend, the more it becomes a reality.) I know this sounds weird because it in no way stops the behavior that's bothering you in the first place. But when you think about it, what would? You're always powerless to govern the behavior of other people...they're either going to behave honorably or they won't. But what you have 100% control over is your responses to certain things; you get to decide the limits to which other people's follies are allowed to influence you. Ironically, once people see this change and healthy readjustment in you, they typically change (either out of shame or because they realize their power over you is gone). force yourself: No more snooping...yeah, some things will get by you that way, but you couldn't have legislated morality anyway. Sooner or later dishonorable people cancel themselves out of the equation...don't allow them to drag you down in the process. Good luck to you, and Happy Holidays.

Answer 2

Well if you two are going to treat each other as cheaters you guys had might as well cheat. You don't trust each other anyway, if he can't openly share what he does you may have a reason to mistrust but is he just saving himself a headache from the nagging jealous wife! Has he cheated on you before or have you cheated on him? Does he have a smile that melts? If so he is your husband and why not agree and say " shes right you do have a smile that melts" and give him a kiss. Make him feel that you care and are not just jealous.

Answer 3

Supposedly guys who's wives/girlfriends are jealous and constantly talk about the possibility of cheating are actually driving their significant others to cheat! He may have never even considered cheating on you, but if you keep argueing with him about it he just might. The more jealous you act the more reason you should have to be jealous. Get what i mean? Make more romantic time for you two where he can sit and tell you to your face how much he loves you and how amazing you are. Moments like this should slowly restore your self confidence. Also, even when you do feel jealous try to hide it. Unless you have a legit reason keep it inside and it should blow over. Don't blow up at him over little things.

Answer 4

It is amazing how people go through life living in thier little fairy tale dream world that is full of lives. How can you lie to yourself for so long? How old are you? Here are the facts of life you need to learn now or you will learn them the hard way:

1. There is no Santa
2. There might be a Bigfoot
3. All men cheat, almost all women cheat
4. Marriage ruins relationships (moving in is the same)
5. Everyone lies (you even lie to yourself)
6. Life is not fair

Good luck and Happy Holidays. Email me if you want to
hear the truth. You can ask me anything. I don't lie unlike
the other answers you will get. You don't believe me check all his cell phone records including work and all his email addresses including work and you will have all the answers you need.

Answer 5

Confrontation is not the approach to take with this. You two need to send the kids to grandma's for the evening and have an evening to talk. Both of you have ownership of this problem and it is up to both of you to iron things out. No, he shouldn't be IM'ing with girls at work. However, fighting is not going to get you anywhere.

Tell each other how you feel and work out an unwritten contract. If you really can't get this thing straight get with a marriage counselor. They can help you talk.

Answer 6

Yes you do have insecurity and jealousy issues....and you keep picking guys that will chit on you....I really don't think Myspace is to blame for people wanting to hook up with others....It is the intent behind having myspace....If he isn't hiding anything....then why will he not allow you access to his account? If he really respects you....and because his account on myspace is causing problems in your marriage...he should get rid of the account....

Answer 7

Confront him and tell him either he stops or you might decide to do some playing around too. Let him know how much it affects you and he should stop if he cares. If not, find you an online guy and let hubby know what it is like. I guarentee he will stop then. Good luck!

Answer 8

You're being freaking stupid. If you don't stop this habit, you'll lose your husband fast. Develop some security and trust. NO MAN WANTS TO COME HOME TO A NAGGING WIFE!

Answer 9

You both need to read this book,,"The Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis...I think after reading that book, you will probably get a different perpective about your relationship....please read the book.

Answer 10

You both need counseling. Since you are jealous and he knows it, he will continue to hide things from you. Get in therapy ASAP.