how do you deal with a wife who grew up with a narcissistic mother and a father who enabled her mother's odd behavior? in addition, she grew up throwing temper tantrums to get what she wanted (also because her father enabled it plus she's very attractive so a lot of guy's just put up with her demands). so now i have a wife that knows she does this, knows her parents are disfunctional, the light in all this is she seems to know it and wants to break the cycle. however, her family is so involved in our life (i have a brother in law about 2 miles away and her parents are down at every single holiday). her mother talks to her and doesn't said rude things but if my wife has a negative emotion regarding me her mom uses that and just builds it from there trying to get her daughter back into the family compound. i think i'm fighting a losing battle and my wife is choicing dysfunction with her family over a happy family where i can teach her how love really is from my upbringing. I don’t put up with her temper tantrums or accept disrespect from her parents (whom I don’t respect given they seem to want our marriage to end so they can have their little girl back). I tell it like it is, ask her to tell her parents to leave if they’re being disrespectful to me or her (I’ve heard them talk bad about their daughter to my face), or tell her that no we’re not going to do something with your family every holiday. However I think I’m losing the battle. Her mother and her now have me as the bad guy when I married her it was me and her and her parents were the bad people. It’s nuts. I think we’ll go through a separation because I can’t change her unless she wants to be cut from the controlling apron strings of her parents and stop the dysfunctional life that seems to be from generations. She wants to change but can’t. I’m going to let her go to see if she can change. Think that is a good idea? By the way marriage counseling didn’t work, in the sessions it was all my fault. So don’t suggest that please. I just know if we split she’ll be miserable under the total control of her family and she’ll lose a good man and children. Any suggestions?
2007-12-24 01:42:11 · 7 answers · asked by survivor 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Since she has a narcssistic family she is probably one too. There is no hope or help for these people, I was married to one for 15 years. I was miserable. Here is a website that can give you lots of information. I would say run and don't look back. GOOD LUCK!
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq58.html
2007-12-24 01:57:08 · answer #1 · answered by Dani Bosco 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would like to give you some in site on your wife and situation
I was raised in a dysfunctional family. I can honestly say Thank God for a few child hood friends who came from normal families that welcomed me in (so I had some sanity) At that time I thought that my family was nutty but they told me I was the crazy one.
My husband's family is so dysfunctional they make mine look normal. So, I got it on both ends My husband is like your wife he hates the way they act but some times acts like them when they are over and often doesn't realize there inappropriate remarks and actions and has a problem saying something. In some cases he doesn't realize how odd they act.
Your wife needs to distance herself from them. Sorry to say that is the only way. Being raised this way and knowing what it is and what they do is one thing. It is very easy to get sucked right back in after being around them for a few hours. With all my therapy and knowledge of what they do and how I I sometimes see my self slip up if I am around the "craziness" for to long.
Your wife dose want to change. Have a little more patience. Plan trips for holidays and try to avoid them as much as you can. I know it gets frustrated but I can honestly say being raised in distancing seems normal in a way as that is what your informant was and it's easy to slip into old habits.
2007-12-26 04:56:38 · answer #2 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds like a mother-n-law that I almost got stuck with. This woman's name isn't Kathy, is it? LOL. Well, it's a sure thing that if you do work things out with your sister-in-law, your lying, trouble-making monster-in-law will just tell more lies about you and start more trouble. Stop attending family functions. Let your wuss of a husband go alone. It's not like he'll do anything to you for not going. He has no backbone, otherwise he'd stand up to his family for you. Go to your friend's house on holidays. Don't stay home alone. And, let your kids decide whether or not they want to go. One day, when your kids are older, that evil bi+ch will be dead and they might actually get to live like a family with the cousins they got to know. But, don't push them to be with the family. Let them decide for themselves.
2016-05-26 02:58:27 · answer #3 · answered by julieta 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have no idea how your story is so similar to mines. Almost scary. My wife comes from exactly the same background you have described here. She also do the tantrum thing. But she have been my wife now for 8 years. I know her. I also know how to avoid the conflict and still have my point across. It takes lots of Patience's and Time! Her family is very dysfunctional as well...I have kept them a bay,,more like 500 miles away,,,still their influence is strong,,but I'm stronger. My wife and I decided to work at our marriage,,we succeeded (so far,,lol),,I wish you the best of luck,,Be consistent,,,I know you love her and she loves you,,If there's love,,I know some how it will work out for you,,Just remember,,you are not alone!
2007-12-24 03:14:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
If you're familiar with narcissistic and passive aggressive behavior, and familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then you know how inflexible they are. Incurable, in fact. I've been there. There is no cure, no relief, no compromise. She is what she is and will be that way for ever. Deal with it or leave. Sorry.
2007-12-24 02:14:09 · answer #5 · answered by Misery 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think the controlling is coming from you. You don't want counseling because you keep getting told that its all your fault. Have you considered at least the part you ARE responsible for? Its not healthy to demand your spouse cut her family out of her life. If they talk bad to you about her, why don't you simply defend her and tell them that you don't want to hear that about her? And its normal for parents to want to spend holiday's with their children and grandchildren, and if yours don't then there is something wrong going on there. Your upbringing is questionable if this is how you learned that people relate to each other, one does not control the other unless there is a consensual agreement to do do.
I think you need personal counseling, and you need to give it a rest. What you are suggesting is that you break up your marriage and destroy your children's home life because you don't like it that her parents want to spend a holiday with you. That is not rational.
2007-12-24 02:02:55 · answer #6 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 5⤋
Sounds like you've made up your mind about what the right thing to do is. You seem like you're fairly well balanced and mature. If I was you, I'd trust my instincts. Good luck :)
2007-12-24 01:48:10 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋