I have been married for two years, our marriage was never on a good foundation. My husband is two men, he says with words, "I love you" and, when he is home-- he shows it in his actions.
My husband has had a lot of trouble with other women--and showed this during our marriage. We have been a constant going back and forth, "I love you, and now I show you that I dont." We are in counseling and my husband decided to reveal some truths---while we were engaged , he talked, by phone, to a married women from his past. They talked of their love for each other , but decided that it probably wouldnt work out? And then, he confessed that during our marriage--he sent a birthday card to this woman and signed it "I love You."
How can a man marry a woman he does not love (me)? Why do men string one wife along and have a "double life?" When is your marriage over?
2007-12-24 01:10:14 · 13 answers · asked by skyward 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is simply a matter of you two needing to really put each other first and fall in love for real this time, instead of thinking you're in love.
Not bashing you... at all.... it's hard to tell sometimes how people really are, what they're really up to. I know - I married an Academy Award winner myself. And he married one too.
The beginning of our marriage was a living hell. We went through more in 8 months than most people go through in an entire marriage. You see, long story short... we met quickly, moved quickly and married quickly, thinking that this was it... that we were SO in love. It turns out, we cared for each other a lot but were both still hung up on our exes. So, for 3 months I had a relationship with my ex and he did the same for about 2 months longer. Neither one of us knew. There was also some emotional and physical abuse from him. Everything was wrong. We both tried to get out at different times but no one did. I confessed to him a year and a half later and he confessed to me. I was pregnant with our son at the time and really thought I was about to become a single mother, all because we were both too careless and stupid in the beginning to set a good foundation. I thought it was over. So did he.
That was four years ago now. Our son is two. I am 9 months pregnant with our second child. We have grown to love each other and become 100% truthful, kind and patient with the other - I can honestly saw we have a beautiful marriage.
The point of my story is sometimes it is very possible to come out of the wreckage better and stronger, even when it seems impossible or hopeless.
If he really loves you and you really love him mistakes will be revealed, recongnized and changed. Hearts will be changed. Prioirties will be altered. It will take time and there will be heartache and tears... but as I always say, anything in life worth having is a struggle.
Hang in there. Things do get better. Start to rebuild that trust. See what happens.
2007-12-24 01:25:32 · answer #1 · answered by shellj_foxy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I hate to tell you this but what is happening has nothing to do with you or your husband. It has nothing to do with the circumstances in your marriage. Don't blame or hate your husband or yourself. Men never try to string you along when they get married and lead a double life. When we get married we believe in the same lies you do about the fairy tale and marriage. MARRIAGE DOES NOT WORK!!! Once you both say "I do" your loving relationship is over. Some people realize this in weeks and get divorced others (like the liars that tell you they are happily married) lie to themselves for years and stay married. You just figured it out and you have stopped lying to yourself. It is over and if you are ever lucky enough to meet someone else and fall in love, learn your lesson and NEVER GET MARRIED AGAIN or you will destroy another loving relationship.
2007-12-24 09:51:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am a man. It seems that you areangry because your husband has acted on feelings from his past and you feel threatened. Rather than trying to find real solutions you are just feeling hurt.I am thinking that you ae young but I could be wrong.
Do you remember any of your x-boyfriends fondly? Do you ever remember something that you did with them with a smile.
No, I bet you have not opened that door by contacting them.But, that is your power as a woman, opening doors. I have never been with a woman in my life who did not pick me first. If you understsnd this then you also understand where the problem is, with her. Talk to her without anger and ask for her help. Be smart.You are smart aren't you?
If there was a good looking guy next door and you wanted to get him to play with you, how long would it take. yes, in a perfect world it should not happen,,,,,But, how long. Then, treat your husband like a king and demand the same with your power and example. You are in control of your energies and the romance in your life. Remember, each woman gets the love that she sees for herself. Your boundries are excellent but your anger is misplaced.
2007-12-24 10:11:21 · answer #3 · answered by jeff shaffer 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Believe it or not, he can love you and another woman at the same time.
Your question is more about how he cannot keep a commitment to you.
Your marriage is over only when you decide you are worth a man who is willing not only to make a commitment to you, but also keep that commit met.
You deserve better from a man than it sounds like he is able to provide...
.... and you know it.
Merry Christmas
2007-12-24 09:23:43 · answer #4 · answered by box of rain 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think marriage/relationships are Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust, with a whole lot of lovies, and kindnesses and caring for the other. Exclusiveness as well is obvious.
It appears to me that your husband really doesn't know what he is, what he wants, nor what or who he wishes to become. He for sure has no idea how to be or become a loving husband... and for sure he has no empathy for how you must feel, and so I wonder: What was it about this man that even made you just any at all attracted to him?...as his wishy-washy personality shows a lack of direction, and for sure no affection toward you. Would you EVER send a card to anyone with whom you were once romantically involved stating , "I love you."???? I think not.
There are lots of things that make a marriage over: Betrayal, stonewalling your spouse when problems arise (pouting, saying nothing...) and a lack of commitment to the relationship. From your posting, he appears to be teetering on all of these.
Life is tooooo short, and being in a loving relationship just tooooo wonderful to have to try to figure out the real, underlying motives of your husband. Sweetie, this one was over before you ever got started.... And in a way this is really not your fault. As a public school teacher, and you likely the product of one, we don't teach you guys how to communicate without resentment and rage. We don't teach you how to shop for a spouse, nor to budget money... In fact, we sent you out in the world with zero life skills (happily you have no children... this guy might be throwing objects at you, he knows him self so poorly). And he as well, has no skills in communication, and in self analysis ("Just what is it you-- meaning himself---want?). And for this, my deepest apologies. We as teachers have failed you, failed him, and in part are responsible for you you picking this guy .... and I am sooo sorry.
Most women would not wish to stay in a relationship where they were not number one on the man's priority list... (maybe number 2 after his job). But a man not committed to your marriage.... When do you leave? Yesterday.
2007-12-24 09:31:41 · answer #5 · answered by ladyren 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
your husband seem to have a selfesteem problem and he is passing it on to you
this is call mental abuse
Have a talk with him, tell him that his ego is too big for you and it best for you to say goodbye and if he ever decide to check his ego in the mutuary and have bury it than you will be willing to have a go at the marriage
for now you want a separation so your own ego will get better
Good luck
2007-12-24 09:22:02 · answer #6 · answered by waiting for baby 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Life is too short and unpredictable to live in a marriage like this. I too lived walking on eggshells. It is not worth it.
Get out now, before you have children with this man and you are tied to him forever. A better relationship is out there.
Good luck!
2007-12-24 09:50:05 · answer #7 · answered by Dani Bosco 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's over when you decide it's over.
He's not stringing you along... you're allowing YOURSELF to be strung along. Stop trying to blame him for your own situation.
I think you're coming around but it's taking you a long time... YOU need to make the decisions of how you want your marriage to be.
Be strong ... and Merry Christmas.
2007-12-24 09:19:07 · answer #8 · answered by Vitiran 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This is really his problem - and it will not change. He will always need that other woman, that other contact - it is like an adiction.
you need to decide if you can take that and continue being in counseling with him or leave him.
2007-12-24 09:15:02 · answer #9 · answered by sammy3256 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
it's over when u tried all u can 2 make it worht and u still don't feel like the problem is gtting better-when u say enough is enough. he shouldn't be treating u like he is. u don't have 2 put up with his bull.
2007-12-24 09:27:49 · answer #10 · answered by Mrs.Spruill!! 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋