how do you not be subservient and passive towards controlling, domineering, authoritarian family members ?

Question

that talk down to me still like im a child only.

i regret to say ive always been this way......its like i lose the will to be assertive...and are afraid any assertiveness might hurt their feelings...plus if i assert myself...it could turn into an argument.

i feel extremely angry with myself...like ive let myself down when i fail to be assertive.....i disappear and dont contact nobody.
i feel ridiculous to because im 30 years old.

i have borderline personality and have suffered alot of trauma in my life including : prolonged bullying....sexual abuse....assaults....muggings...head injuries...victimization.....ive been very unfortunate and missed out greatly.
i know that i can assert myself...but some times its like i lose the will and im afraid to.......especially to these controlling family members that talk to me like a child...like i should assume the role of one.

what is the answer to this ?

thankyou

Answer 1

I just read a great book called "Controlling People."
Would reccomend it to anyone.
Don't entertain what they say to you are try and reason with them. Just tell them they are talking nonsense. Expect them to go completley over the top and abusive when you stand up to them - this is them struggling not to relinquish control.
See a counsellor or get transactional analysis. Make a space for youself where they can't enter (join a class for example and don't tell them about it.)
Good luck. You have my sympathy.

Answer 2

This is a difficult one and my thoughts are with you; the most important thing to realise is that you are not alone. It is heartbreaking to realise that your own flesh and blood are capable of something which has no doubt shaped your life and altered it for the worse. It is an extremely difficult thing to come to terms with. I would advise don't try to go the other way; be true to yourself and your thoughts, don't be afraid to say what you think. If you don't lose your rag or try to be over-assertive yourself (ie. fight fire with fire) you can in the end seek solace in the fact that you are in the right and they are in the wrong. If you explain to them that this is what has happened and it has had a profound effect on your life then, even if they don't (or pretend not to) listen, you have done everything you can.

It appears that your low self-esteem has made matters worse, in a sense you subconsciously invite others to exploit and belittle you because you feel that that's your place in life. Not so. You are obviously a sensitive person and I do not doubt that you are very good at many things. Also, as a matter of fact, you are an adult whether anyone else likes it or not. Just try to be positive about all the positives in your life and your personality, and forgive your family for their narrow-minded stupidity. Then you start to reach a place from which you can gain some self-confidence and make progress with your life.

Good luck and best wishes and merry xmas.

The answer lies in your own self-belief, not your level of assertiveness. Everything else should follow.

Answer 3

Actually, by just smiling and being nice and 'turning off your ears' when these people put you down or attempt to domineer you, you are doing the BEST THING for yourself. Just let those comments roll off your back like water in the shower ... you will 'feel clean' at the end, because water can only 'wash dirt away' and can GIVE nothing to you ... remember that, and let them talk to you as if you were a child ... because in your heart you will know that THEY are being childish, while you are being an adult. Can you assert yourself and tell them that? No, because it wouldn't make any difference. So just sit and smile and 'act like you are paying attention' and have a WONDERFUL HOLIDAY ... you'll feel much better afterwards, while they will be 'worried' about the next thing on their list ... then take yourself out for a private 'celebration' of you making it through the holiday in 'fine style' ... see a movie you want to see, stop for coffee at a nice viewpoint, or just sit in the park and watch the wind blow through the branches of the trees and think to yourself just how much more MATURE you are than they are ... and then if you LAUGH people may look at you, but only to wonder what is making you so HAPPY. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, my dear ... my husband and I are spending our holiday home alone, just the two of us, because while we don't have your problems, we don't like 'family gatherings' and all of the 'politics of people' that go on during them any more than you do! And WE are the GRANDPARENTS!

Answer 4

I think many people go through this. Usually the kid gets fed up at some point and decides to move out and make it on their own. It's not an easy place to be emotionally and you're usually mired in the situation by fear. You have to ask yourself what is it that you're really afraid of though and address the issue. Think it through rationally and if the situation calls for it, step away and agree to disagree with the other party and have an amiable split. Otherwise you might be stuck in a situation where you might feel comfortable at times, but ultimately are unhappy.

Answer 5

I can relate some what to your dilemma. I grew up with a parent that was an authoritarian. I was a shy and submissive child. I never spoke unless spoken to. I was afraid of speaking up. This flowed over into my work life when I had to deal with the same personality type.

It wasn't until I separated myself from this parent and dwelled around family members and friends that allowed me to be me and treated me with equal respect that I came out of my shell. I do at times have difficulity dealing with bosses who have controlling, domineering, authoritative personalities. I feel afaid to speak up or assert myself around them.

I am learning that some behaviors are hard to totally become loosed from because they have effected our lives in a deep tramatic way. I have also tried self help books and therapy to talk out the trama and have some one offer solutions. Also, I find public speaking or some type of program (Toast Masters) that allows your voice to be heard and where you have control of your audience when your speaking or delivering a message which can build your confidence and teach you how to have your voice heard and respected even when you are speaking with family and friends. With Toast Master's you will get feedback from your audience which will also stengthen you.

Don't feel angry with yourself, you have done nothing wrong. You have been mentaly and verbally abused by your family. These are people that you love and would never expect to do anything to cause you harm. Maybe try going to them in love and tell them how you feel about how they treat you and how it is affecting you. Call a meeting with them and ask them to listen while you speak, and to please not interrupt until you are finished. Writing down your thoughts and what you want to say is a good idea.

If you feel standing before them is too uncomfortable, try writing them a letter. Atleast, they will read it with out you being interrupted. Don't worry about their feelings if they are as domineering, controlling, and authoritative as you say, they can take it. Your feelings are important too. If you don't speak up, how are they suppose to know they are doing anything wrong? And that may quite possibly be the bulk of the problem...they don't know they are doing anything wrong because they have treated you this way all your life, and you have taken it, you have never spoken up. I was about 30 when I spoke up to my authoritative parent, so don't feel bad.

Better now than never.

Answer 6

Just conversate with me on yahoo.Just give me your yahoo email address.I am only 17years old but I would try my best to help you in any kind of way that it is!!Listen to me very carefully,I've never been in that situation before but i think that you should try hard to have a better personality because if other people out there see you acting the way you act they would always try to try you to see what type of person you is.Just try to get you some persnal help.If your family dont help I would always be here for you.I have a wonderful heart to help others in their situations because I dont like for people to be treated bad!I have been raised to help others.It is a blessing that you are the one!!!my yahoo;[e-mail]

Answer 7

You 'constantly' rehash the same question and seemingly ignore all answers given ~ whilst dinning out on it in search of sympathy - which you don't actually want nor need as you are happy living within the little world you have carved out for yourself.

You just enjoy playing Your Game on here and see those who read your statements and spend time trying to offer you Help, as some form of 'Mugs' who fall for your well worn well spun tale.

You are not 'borderline' anything, you are a perverse and cruel individual who enjoys manipulating the motions of others for your own ends.

Incidentally, > i disappear and don't contact nobody < is a double negative ....and I doubt is the truth.


Sash.

Answer 8

What you need to do is let yourself out of your shell, the longer you hold it in, the more it will take affect on you, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself for their sake, you need to show them that you are a capable human being and that you wont stand for being stepped on, convert all the energy of fear, into controlled anger, and revert that anger you have for yourself and redirect it to those who treat you unfairly and inhumanly, your letting your low self esteem get the best of you, don't Be afraid to stand up for yourself, and don't be afraid of the outcome, you ll be surprised at how good you will feel about yourself after wards, it all starts with that first step to standing up to those who look down upon you and think less of you, the only way you can get their respect is by showing them that you deserve it, and that you love yourself enough, to defend yourself.

Answer 9

Hmmm. That's a tough one. I tend to avoid those that treat me in anyway that I don't like being treated. But you have more going on, so it may not be so easy for you.

Maybe you could try taking classes doing something that you enjoy. Crafts, exercises, dance, photography, anything that gets your creative energy flowing.
You'll be surrounded by people that you'll have something in common with.
You would be socializing, creating, having a good time, but keeping your distance from negative energy.
Good luck!

(**)

Answer 10

You work on improving your self-esteem until you really believe you deserve to be treated better, and you learn to be assertive without being offensive. Get yourself some counselling for your problems. Good luck, I wish you better mental health and self-esteem.