Blending family and am terrified....?

Question

My finace has two sons 10 and 12. I have two sons 8 and 11. The boys get along well and are in the same school district. Here is the problem. His 12 year old hangs around with a bad influence. Fiance knows but has not yet forbidden his son from hanging around with this kid. We have had discussions about this before. The school is even spliltting the two up and putting them in seperate classes at the beginning of Jan. I found out last night that bad influence was looking at porn on 12 year old's mother's computer. So, that means 12 year old was too.
Here is my problem.... I have tried to raise my two sons in a christian, religious home. Pornography is not acceptable in my mind, especially for minors. I do not want my children to be exposed to such things.
Fiance has had a "talk" with his son, but as I said has not yet forbidden him from hanging with bad influence. Finace usually listens to my opinions and has made changes in the past. He was not the one to tell me about this. Advice??

We all do a lot of things together. The 12 year old seems to be going through a phase where he doesn't talk to us much or want to participate in things together. He is just too cool (he thinks) too smart and has way too may privledges he doesn't deserve.
My ex husband was addicted to pornography and I saw how it destroyed our family and I don't want it to happen again or to MY children.

We all do a lot of things together. The 12 year old seems to be going through a phase where he doesn't talk to us much or want to participate in things together. He is just too cool (he thinks) too smart and has way too may privledges he doesn't deserve.
My ex husband was addicted to pornography and I saw how it destroyed our family and I don't want it to happen again or to MY children. Fiance is just too awesome of a man to give up.

Fiance and I live in separate houses at present time and the boys are NOT accessing porn on OUR computers. We have parental controls set. They got on at fiance's ex wifes house when she was not at home and at bad influence's house. Parents of bad influence have been notified but they think he is an angel and can do no wrong.

Elizabeth I am fine, how are you?

Answer 1

You can first, have the porn sites blocked. That way, at least they won't be able to look from your house. Then...make rules that this other boy may not come over unless you (or your husband) is home...and they can't be at the other boy's house unless his parents are there.

I know it's hard for you. My son had a friend who I wasn't fond of either, but demanding they not hang out would only make them want to do it more. When you and your husband are alone with your boy, talk to him. Tell him that you know he and the other boy are friends, but that you also know that YOUR boy is a smart kid. Tell him you trust his judgement and that you're worried that this other boy is going to do something that will get HIM into trouble. Make him feel strong and confident, because I have found that in situations like this, the OTHER boy is the stronger personality.

Give your boy the confidence to disagree with the things the 'bad influence' does. Right now, he may just be along for the ride when the other boy does things he shouldn't...because he doesn't want to look 'uncool'. Make him feel confident enough to know that he doesn't HAVE to hang out with this kid if he's doing things he shouldn't be...that it's OKAY for him to say "Dude, you're nuts and I'm not going to get myself in trouble because you're being stupid." and that you know he's smart enough to know right from wrong, so IF he chooses to do something he knows he's not supposed to do...he will have to pay the consequences.


What happens is that your boy realizes that he DOES have power, and when he walks away from the other kid when he's doing stupid things...the other kid realizes he doesn't have the power anymore, and will stop doing stupid things too. Parents are very uncool when you're 12, but ...if you go about this right, you can (very honestly) convince him that it's cool to do things the smart way, and that he'll get more respect if he stands up for what he knows is right. Your son ends up being the influence in a good way. This kid is one of MANY bad influences he's going to have to handle, so it's best to teach him how when he's 12.

Answer 2

Focus counts more than you know for the kids. They will learn to depend on your good focus on their well being ..and as most kids do..will test you...often severely. Do not lose patience. Bite your tongue off if you must but do not lose patience.

You and your husband need to sit down and agree on specific kinds of punishment which is the same for EACH kid because they are all equal kids ..even if some are yours and some are his. They are ALL in dire need of help to get through the effects of divorce.

here is the very very best book I have ever read on child development. Get it..get a few copies. You will need them. I promise you ..the training in there is very specific and both you and your husband will need to read it together and discuss it. You will see how intelligent it is..how much logical sense it makes... it works. All you have to do is to apply it daily every minute in every situation.

"Children: The Challenge" by Dr. R. Driekurs ..do NOT get the second one.. get the first. it is probably out of print but you can order it through Amazon or any major bookstore.

God bless your new family.

Answer 3

You're probably not going to like this answer, but I think the best thing for your kids is for you to not get married again. There's no way to stop his kids from influencing yours, once you are married. Your first priority is to protect and raise your children. If marrying this man compromises that, you will not be doing your job as a mother. There's a reason you are terrified. Deep down, you know this is a bad decision as far as your kids are concerned.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

These are Red Flags and Bad Signs you are witnessing so pay attention to what you are being shown. Your eyes are being opened to it for a reason.

Your children can be influenced by what you allow in your life if you continue with this man and his children. This is why there is so much divorce amoung blended familys. They don't forsee the problems that will arise.

Answer 6

Put the marriag on hold until your kids are raised and out of the house.Otherwise your family will be destroyed hon.Your fiance is too weak to be a man and discipline his kids the way he needs to and there should not be a way to access porn on the computer unless he is keeping it available for himself.

Answer 7

Wait until you are the step-mom..Continue to encourage your other half to get his son away from the bad influence..

Just remember that probably by the time your kids are 16 one of their friends will have shown them playboy..

Personally porn is not a bad thing...I have been married for almost 7yrs and my husband looks at porn ..I am a christian but I also believe if you are not addicted to porn that it isn't a bad thing...

Answer 8

I would forbid your 12 yr old to go other to this 'friends' house, and he can only be with this child at your house when you or your husband are home, and to go the extra mile i would tell this childs mother about what he is doing. Then I would block all the pono sites. How have you been?

Answer 9

Everyone grows up different, Let your fiance handle his son, until you are his step mother....you have to sit back and keep your opinion to yourself. Have you tried bonding with this 12 yr old. Maybe take all of the boys out together every weekend and eventually he will learn to like your way of life

Answer 10

You worry too much!