Would you leave a man who says he loves you but hasn't touched you in over a year?

Question

We're in our late 40's and live together 1 1/2 yrs. Unbelievably, 2 months after I moved in, he stopped sex completely. He was having health problems, which were true. I said there are many ways to be close, but he didn't try or care how I was feeling. He just said he felt guilty. He rarely talks to me, respects my feelings, have fun, and refuses to seek help of any kind. He just says he hates himself. If I just sit on the couch with him and cook and take care of house, and don't 'hassle' him (which means talking about our 'stuff), (I am very easy to talk to and am very adept at communication), he will sit in silence with no response! Even when I say I will leave! He says it stresses him out too much to think about it. I feel like I am living with a ghost. After being rejected, I feel ugly and no one will want me. I was always confident/passionate with men and know I am a great partner, but now I feel horrible and wonder why I have put myself through so much pain and turmoil. Help!

Thank you Rain...he's not on medication. How do I relax...it's going to be 2 years soon. How am I selfish? I have shown the most compassion and understanding I can bare. That is the point...he won't get help and I feel like I am going down with the Titanic.

Answer 1

It seems he is taking advantage of you. There is no reason why he should not have some kind of sex drive, or, at the very least, some understanding of your desires. There seems to be no future in this relationship for you while you are taking care of all his needs. I am sure it will be difficult for you to leave, but it seems the only choice you have unless you want to grow old with a "ghost", and lose all of your self esteem.

Answer 2

Step #1. Relax!

Step #2. Empathize with what he is going through.

Step #3. Do not be so selfish that you assume that this must be a "problem with you"

Step #4. Realize that this is likely just a side effect of the medication he is on and it will pass in time.

Step #5. Continue to relax

Merry Christmas

Answer 3

Honestly... this may all sound nuts but I would do crazy things that he just can't ignore.

Masturbate in the shower and let him hear you...masturbate in bed next to him, get a vibrator too. While you are on the couch w/ him start masturbating... AND FINISH!!! don't pay any attention to his reaction's until he starts to get involved. If he sits their through it all then let him. If he watches then make sure you have a hell of a show.

Let him see what he is missing. Wear clothes he likes around the house that are revealing and start to peak his interest. Start serving meals that have aphrodisiacs in them. You want to make him not resist you. Pretty soon he will get back on track.

He may be lacking in testosterone right now too. this is a medical disorder and he will be prescribed testosterone patches or pills to get him back to normal levels.

Answer 4

I know it's easier said than done - but I think you are better off leaving. I know for older women it's hard to be single and may feel like who will marry you at this age but you seem like a sweet and caring person, there are other fish in the sea that would appreciate those things. Also, I would think that being alone is better than someone who doesn't satisfy your needs and brings you down at the same time.

Answer 5

Girl if he is not trying to get thing working than it is time to go..Sorry charlie i have gave him what a year or too to get help and he has not. it is time to move on.let him now what your plans are he either gets help or your walking out of the relationship and stick to your guns. that is selfish of him to treat you like that. what he rather you go out and get it from someone else? don't think you are that type of person. so put everything on the table and let him know what you want from him he either do something about it or you will. Good luck

Answer 6

well if you not married then i think you should be blunt with him say we either are going to try and work this out full effort from both of us or its over and if hes still weighing you down get the heck out of thier your better than that dont waste your time with somone who isnt on the same page iv been through lots of long relationships 3 years 2 years and i found a person who was on the same page as me and im happy but if im not i dont waste me life away get hppy and be thankful your alive andjust be !! you dont always have to have someone it takes time just be happy that you are who you are love your self!

Answer 7

The problem is his and he needs to see someone about. He sound depressed and having a hard time coming out of it. Talk to you doctor about what to do and maybe things will work out. If he wouldn't help himself there is nothing you can do...you will have no choice but to leave. Good Luck!

Answer 8

first you need to find out way he hates himself, get to the root of the problem and go on from there. What are his health problems and how does it effect him. Apparently it
shut him down to all emotions. I am here if you want to talk E-mail me.

Answer 9

I've put some notes here along with yours... as if we were having a conversation...

We're in our late 40's and live together 1 1/2 yrs. Unbelievably, 2 months after I moved in, he stopped sex completely. He was having health problems, which were true.
** This part is understandable, in that he didn't feel well enough to have sex.


I said there are many ways to be close, but he didn't try or care how I was feeling. He just said he felt guilty.
** If he felt guilty, then he does care. He just may not be able to talk about it. If he was feeling very ill, and if he's full of sadness around being sick (such as if it's diabetes or some other illness he will have for the rest of his life), then he's feeling depressed. He may be so overwhelmed with his depression, that adding to it the fact that you aren't happy is just too much to handle. He knows it's his fault that you aren't happy with sex. How would that make you feel? Sad, likely... And if he doesn't know how to deal with it... it could be painful to talk about things... or to try to work things out...

He rarely talks to me, respects my feelings, have fun, and refuses to seek help of any kind. He just says he hates himself.
**This poor man is very sad and depressed. He is full of self loathing. A man who hates himself cannot have fun. He may feel there's a stigma about getting help, or he could simply be so depressed that he thinks help is no use. You may need to be worried about if he is suicidal.

If I just sit on the couch with him and cook and take care of house, and don't 'hassle' him (which means talking about our 'stuff), (I am very easy to talk to and am very adept at communication), he will sit in silence with no response!
**Everything you say here is a clear indication of depression and sadness, likely with the additional burden of self loathing that makes a person think they don't deserve to get better, and likely will not seek counseling. Seeking counselling often means you've accepted that this is your problem and that you have to work through it to solve it. If he's really depressed, and especially if he has a "woes me" attitude, the thought of going through counseling and having to actually do WORK to feel better might seem like climbing mount everest. Who can climb mount everest when they are deflated and feel ill?


Even when I say I will leave! He says it stresses him out too much to think about it.
** He's depressed... so you are going to leave. That would stress me out too. Did you move in with him because you loved him? Were you possibly thinking about marriage???

I feel like I am living with a ghost. After being rejected, I feel ugly and no one will want me.
** I totally understand this. It's deflating to YOU to feel like he doesn't love you enough to have sex or to seek help. This has nothing to do with you... however. The man is drowning in sadness. You could be the hottest supermodel, but if he's thinking life isn't worth living, you still wouldn't be having sex....

I was always confident/passionate with men and know I am a great partner, but now I feel horrible and wonder why I have put myself through so much pain and turmoil. Help!
** You have put yourself through this because you are a wonderful and caring person who loves this man. You are trying to find a way to help him. You care enough about him and your relationship to have him seek help. Your frustration is normal. You wanting to leave is normal.

** What you have to think about is.... am I going to give up on this man? What happens when I go? Will he kill himself? Is his illness enough it could kill him? Do I love him enough to help him? Do I keep pushing him to get counseling?

** If it were me, I would say... I love you. I'm worried about you. I'm sorry I threatened to leave, but I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do because you won't talk to me. I'm afraid you are depressed. I'm afraid you are going to do something to hurt yourself. I want to help you. I think we need to talk to your doctor and get a referral for a counselor. It's really important. I love you so much I don't want to lose you. Please... please let's try to get you the help you need...

**And in the meantime, make sure to spend some time on YOU. Do spend time with friends and family. Do spend time doing things you enjoy. Invite him to come with you. Spend quality time with him... but not time crying or pushing. This will help you seek balance so that you can be happier while you are going through this.

** If you really love him.... then you need to go on this journey to recovery with him. If you don't love him enough to do that... you are lucky that you moved in with him rather than married him. But this man is a LIFE... he's a person... and it sounds like he needs you... very much. On the other side of recovery is a brighter future waiting for you... if you have the courage for the journey.