would anyone mind reading this poem? its a one off and i don't know what to do with it.thankyou?

Question

Empty
a walking catatonic
girl
thick with anger
the clouds crowd out
the sunshine rays
that flicker with shimmer dust

the cat
a pot of gold at the
end of a rainbow
searching for warmth
in a barren place

nothing will grow
in my garden
the pumpkins rot
no soul to carry
they fly,
askew

Answer 1

Edit it. "Catatonic" means "immoble", so a catatonic girl would not be walking...or she wouldn't be catatonic. Minimize the number of lines that start with "the", even the use of "the"...'clouds crowd out" sounds fine without the "the". Also, be careful of nonsensical statements like pumpkins that fly askew. Ask yourself why your line breaks occur where they do...do you intend to break the sentence there or is it because you think the line is too long? Punctuation, line breaks, etc. all work to assist the reader recreate how you would have read the poem out loud. Remember that when you choose your line breaks and punctuation.

keep writing

Answer 2

It is an intriguing poem. Very punchy images... thick with anger, the clouds crowding out the sunshine. Strong transfer of emotion to pumpkins. I feel it smack me about like a whipping wind.

Kevin S has good points to consider.

Keep writing!!

Answer 3

Hey! This is cool! I didn't find a cat at the end of the rainbow, but that's another story altogether. Good poem! TD