Why do I dump friends when they don't follow through on what they say they'll do?

Question

Over my lifetime (I'm 47) I've ended a lot of friendships because the person doesn't do what they say they'll do.

Usually it's when they and I have made plans to do something fun, and they cancel at the last minute. They always have a reason, sometimes what I consider a valid reason, other times I see them as 'flaking out' on me.

Usually I can stand for them to do this a time or two, but I guess I'm keeping a score card, and eventually I start thinking the relationship is too much hassle, and I end it.

I'm considering doing this again with someone, where I'll just start pulling away/shutting down, around that person. I think some part of me feels I'm protecting myself from being hurt.

How can I change so I don't keep doing this. I would like to have more friends.

Answer 1

People want to do everything then when the time comes they realize they are way overbooked and cancel. Poor time management on their part. Don't take it personally.

Answer 2

You are definitely protecting yourself from being hurt, but being hurt is part of life. If I were a Freudian psychologist I am sure I could find some childhood trauma to pin this on, but the fact is that you are well past childhood and it's time to stop allowing anything that may have happened in the past to control your life.

It sounds like you feel the need to be the center of someone's world and when you realize you're not your balance is upset. You judge their motives for cancelling plans with you and if you deem those motives invalid you try punishing them by eliminating them from your life. The truth is the only person you are punishing is yourself.

You need to look inward for answers. Why do so many people seem to be cancelling out on you. Is it possible that the vibes you are sending about your relationships starts putting people off after awhile? Are you judgemental in other areas? Do you expect too much from your friends? How long into your relationships are you before this pattern begins to occur?

See, here's the thing: if it were one person who was doing this to you, I would say just give it time and give them a second chance or just walk away, depending on the circumstance.. But you are saying this happens to you over and over again. The only element in the scenerio that is a constant is you, so what are you doing to create these situations where people start cancelling on you?

To have a friend you must be a friend and friends do not criticize or look for fault. They accept one as one is, faults and all. A friend can overlook the occasional etiquette faux pas and will understand that life sometimes throws people a curve ball and despite their best intentions they cannot always keep their promises.

Until you let go of whatever is causing your behavior pattern you are not going to see changes in others. The only person you can change is you.

Answer 3

It appears to me that you don't like what you consider to be "uneven relationships" - those in which you are more invested than they are. This is certainly understandable. But maybe you can take a middle road rather than dropping them entirely. Being disappointed requires first an expectation. If you know that this person is inclined to cancel now and then, you can choose to accept that and only make plans that you consider expendable with them. Place them in your mind in the "second tier" of friends - not so close that you would expect them to put out for you if it inconvenienced them. Then, because you have realistic expectations of them, you won't be disappointed when they flake out on you. And, remember, sometimes people just have more on their plate than they can handle, at least for a time. Don't personalize it.

Answer 4

Wow finally a question I can truly relate to, and I am in the same age range (51). This happened to me just last year, right before Christmas. A friend of mine and her family bought a new house. I went over to see it and she asked for my opinion about decorating it. So we went through the house and I made suggestions. I offered to take her to a store where I knew she could find things like I talked about and we planned to go two days later. When I left her house, I forgot my sweater. I sent her a message via e-mail to her job telling her she could bring it when she came to my house on our way to this store. She said she and her husband would drop it by my house on their way to this same store. I was dumbfounded. When I wrote her back asking what she meant, she said she had decided to go with her husband instead since it was his house, too. That was so rude, and I let her know in no uncertain terms that it was, and I have not spoken to her since. I told her to trash the sweater so she wouldn't have to bother with seeing me again. I am still angry over it. She has still not apologized, as I feel she thinks what she did was not wrong. It hurt, so I know exactly what you mean. I don't need more people walking on me, so I have also lost some friends this way. I don't keep a score card; with me, one strike and you are out. But I do have a very few select friends that would likely die for me, and those are worth more than a thousand of the other kind. I know I'm not helping you, but just know that you are not alone. I want more friends too, but not at the expense of a broken heart. I am in South Carolina, and I'd like to be your friend, somehow. Although this forum gets hundreds of new questions a day, and I'd never find this one again, but Merry Christmas to you, and know that you are NOT weird. If you are, then I am, and that is not acceptable. (smile)

Answer 5

Have you stopped to consider the problem might be you? That you might be the reason these people "flake out" on you? I'm wondering what kind of vibe you're putting out there and I'm wondering just how long you've known these people. Don't proactively or affirmatively end the relationships, just file them under casual and move on. Find an SO to go do things with. You can't control what other peope do, so don't bother trying.

Answer 6

When making plans with someone - don't count a 100% that your going to for sure do it. That way you won't be as disapointed. Have a back up plan in case they re-*** on you. It's not wise to put so much trust in people anyways - to be human is to error. I'm sure they don't mean to do it - but sometimes it just happens. Maybe you all are making plans to far ahead. They have lives to and stuff does come up. I never make plans more that a day or two ahead just for that reason.

Answer 7

To have a good friend you have to be the one.Its not that others are leaving you,but the opposite,just accept it that no one is perfect every one has faults so if you really like someone then accept the person as he/she is.All the best

Answer 8

do u express to these friends the way u feel and the importance u put on ur time together....being a friend is about understanding...u expect so much out of ur friends that u are not willing to give any of it back...if there is a legitimate reason...why would that upset u? u have to be a friend to have friends.

Answer 9

You must be very lonely, then.

You have to BE a friend to HAVE a friend.