My husband Cheated more than once... Now what?

Question

So my husband and I have been married for over 6 years. Through out that time he has been deployed to Iraq twice for 12-15 month tours and been stationed at a base on the other side of the US for over a year while I stayed in our home with our new baby. He recently got out of the military and came back home only to take a job that required 4 months of training in a town just an hour away, however, he was only able to come home on weekends during that period. So when it comes down to it out of that 6 years we have spent very little of it together... Because of his travels we never got to have a real wedding so when he got out of the army we had a small one with just friends and family. A few months later my best friend broke down and told me that the morning of our ceremony my husband made a pass at her and she had been struggling with it ever since... I was furious and heart broken! I went home and packed my suit case and when he came home I confronted him and he just sat down on the edge of the bed and started crying... Confused by his reaction I just stood there. Finally he admits that he hit on her but honestly didn't know why. Then he says that on top of that he has cheated on me with other people in Iraq, when he was stationed at the other base for that year, and even when he was doing his training just a few months earlier! I thought I was going to be sick... My heart sunk so deep into my chest I couldn't feel it any more.

Now to give you some insight into our relationship, when we started dating I was living with my Ex BF and trying to get out of a very destructive relationship... I was heavily involved in drugs and trying to get clean. When I met my husband at work we immediately hit it off. He begged me to move out of my Ex's house and in with him but I wanted to live on my own for a short time just to get my head clear and to make sure that my friends and family took him and our relationship seriously and didn't think it was just another one of my rebound relationships. By me not moving in with him right away and staying with my Ex in his house my H took it to mean I wasn't serious so he moved in with an old girlfriend and lied to me telling me he was living with family. I moved into my own place got a stable job got off drugs and was doing well. From time to time my Ex would show up at my door or would vandalize my car or call my home and my H thought that I was leading my Ex on... I knew my H was up to something because he would never take me to his home and I finally decided enough was enough and to get away from my Ex's harassment and I thought my H I moved back home with my family (17 hours away). A week later my H showed up on my doorstep and we have been together ever since. Eventually he admitted to living with the woman and I came to forgive him for it but I never trusted him after that... I knew that a relationship built on lies would be hard to build on but I loved him so much that I was willing to work through it. Any way a few short months later after finding out that he had large sums of student loans due he decided the only way to get out of debt was to join the army... He left for basic and then was deployed to Iraq only 2 weeks out of Basic... We got married and pregnant when he came home for a 2 week RnR.

Any way I guess I'm rambling... So now I find out that he's been cheating all this time. I have been completely devoted to him since day one of our relationship... Not even so much as a kiss with another person since he and I started dating... He says when he hit on my friend it wasn't because he wanted to sleep with her but honestly he feels like it was more of a cry for help... He wasn't attracted to her, and he knew she'd run and tell me and he just has no clue what he was thinking... He thinks he has a problem. He swears none of the women he cheated with meant any thing to him. The only details he has given me is that with each woman it was just sex. No secret drawn out affair, no promises of more, he never took any of them on dates or romanced them at all... They were all just female friends that something clicked with and that after each time he told them it was wrong and that they shouldn't have done that... He says that every time it happened he'd stop hanging out with the girl but then he'd make another female friend and they'd hang out and boom it would happen again... The most recent was the girl at the training facility... With her it happened 3 times. They were just sitting in their dorm rooms studying or talking and boom next thing he knew they were having sex. He stopped each time before they finished and told her it was wrong and left. He ended up leaving training early to get a different job because of it... He said the only thing each of these women had in common was that they were easy... The types of girls that pretty much throw themselves at people and have been around the block a few times... He didn't know if he made friends with them because of that or if he realized that after they became friends... So now no more training... No more years of deployments... According to him no more affairs... Is it that easy? Not to mention will I ever be able to respect or trust him? I know I'm an idiot for staying with him... I have been humiliated, and strung along all these years thinking he was just such a great guy only to find out I've married the Cliche' Slime ball... The strange part is I've never seen him cry. He really doesn't show emotion at all but for the past few weeks, since all this has come out, he has cried more than I have... It's not the type of emotion you put on just for show... We are going to do counseling but I just can't get over this nor has he asked me to... The more I yell and scream and call him names the more he begs me to stay and begs me to forgive him and give him another chance.

I mean our relationship has never been normal. We have never had a real life together. It has always been broken up with his travels... So am I an idiot to stay? He has a normal job now. We have a home together and our son is now 3 years old and adores his daddy... If he gets counseling, if we get counseling is there really any chance that he could stay faithful or do I need to grab my son and run before he gives me some kind of STD or some woman shows up on our doorstep pregnant? It's so easy to read someones hardships and say just leave but when there are years of history, and kids, and homes and finances it just makes things so much harder... On top of all that I do still love him. I just hate what he's done... I can't even look at a stupid yellow ribbon on a car without wanting to cry...

Answer 1

I believe everything is possible, but I would want to examine
how difficult it would be to achieve a healthy relationship with this person and whether I could re-gain my trust.

A counselor can help you figure that out.

It's definitely a positive sign that he is willing to work on his issues and go to counseling, (not every man will be strong enough to admit he has such a problem) assuming that he goes and keeps going to counseling either with you or alone or both.

The key is whether he acts on his words though too.

My immediate thought about him from what you describe is he does have a major problem, maybe a sex addiction and definitely commitment problems.

It is really hard for people like that to change but if they truly commit to changing and go to counseling for a LONG time, it is possible.

You would also need to figure out if you can trust him.

You did a good thing by getting out of the earlier bad situation.

That's not easy and very admirable.

Answer 2

Wow, that is alot to take in. I understand the loving him part and wanting it to work. The part about him crying, I am unsure about. Of course, it is completely up to you, but I am not sure that giving him another chance would be the right choice. Is counseling helping? Have the communication lines between you two gotten better? A seperation might be the best thing for now. It will give both of you time to think about what it is you really want from life. It seems to me that after all you have been through in your life with the drugs and all, that he would be proud of you and not want to hurt you in any way. You need time to search your heart for this answer. Good luck.

Answer 3

You and him need to sit down and have a long real heart to heart talk and get every thing in the open. You need to ask him to tell the whole truth no more lies, and tell him how you really feel some of the things he tell you may hurt but the it's the best thing to do if you have to you and him go and get some help that work to and I hope every thing work out for you and him you take care...

Answer 4

I really feel for you and what you have gone through. Without rambling on myself I will tell you based on your expressions that you NEED to see a professional and have them sort things out. If a man or woman is unfaithfull this is a painfull thing. And usually they they don't stop because they have other issues themselves. Counseling might help. I wish you the best. Take care of you son now. One day at a time, OK. Best wishes!

Answer 5

This is a situation that is pretty much dependent on you....on how much you are willing to take, willing to go through and willing to endure....If you do decide to stay, then he is going to need some major major counseling. For you it wouldn't hurt to have some separate counseling as well to learn how to deal with the trust issues and hurt....but again it depends on how much you are willing to work or just simply say it's not worth it and leave. Then you could work on yourself and what you really want in life.

Answer 6

i would say follow your heart, but once a cheater always a cheater i learned that the hard way.

you should try the counseling it may help.
trust me the last thing you want is for him to bring home a
STD or even have some woman shows up on our doorstep pregnant. that will really break your heat so you have to do what's best for you and your family

Answer 7

Let me start by saying that if you want good answers and more answers you need to shorten your question. Basically he cheated on you. Most men cheat and when the woman takes them back, they continue to cheat. He told you he cheated and flirted with your friend and you did nothing. Some men are like children, if you don't discipline the child for their mistakes they will keep doing it over and over. You need to get a backbone and leave him. If you stay it's only going to get worst. He cheats when he is away and when he is home he flirts. Both are dangerous.

You're right it is easy to say leave, so I say you either stay and deal with it and stop complaining or you move on. When you get tired of his foolishness and you feel like you deserve better you will move on without a thought.

Answer 8

my now ex husband did the same ting to me always cheating and everything like that.We had our ups and downs but i never forgave him for cheating (still dont).I think your husband should seek some type of counsling if he is truely wanting to be with you.It will take time to trust him again,but don't let your guard down to early because my husband as soon as he thought everything was fine and dandy again he began cheating again.It is a emotional roller coaster ride when someone you love and care so much about misleads you.I know military men get lonly but that is no reason to cheat on someone that had your child married you and loved you unconditionally

Answer 9

Well i read your mail, its very hard for me to read it, i have tears in my eyes while reading your mail, i'm really ashamed of him, I'm extremley sorry to say what your husband did, but i wish to think about your future life and your kids life too, i wish to know something about you also, are you working ? ? ? do you have financial support if you live alone from him ? ? ? as you said you have been affected by STD by your husband, whats your future Plan ? ? ? can you come online so that i can clear all my doubts and i can give you my own suggession.

My email id "[e-mail]" dont mail me, coz sometimes i wont read it, best you add me in your friendslist and let us chat.

Sathish S.

Answer 10

Sweetie look know one could say whether or not if he will ever change just protect yourself you know this is all u to you. But you have to think about all thee went through in Iraq and maybe he doesn't know how to confide in you.