I've been trying to get custody of my teenage daughter for 5 years. She has become a bit of a problem to my ex. and now she has agreed to let her come and live with me. I'm very excited but yet worried that I can raise her in the right way. She has been skipping school, showing a bad attitude, low grades,cutting herself...etc. Yet when she was with me for 6 weeks during the summer we had no issues at all. I kind of think she has been acting out because she has wanted to live with me for several years now and maybe she's doing all this to get that wish. I can't wait to have her with me but also concerned about doing everything right. She is 14 years old.
2007-12-20 22:24:45 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Naturaly you are concerned. Just set some ground rules and expect her to test the waters so to say. Teens are teens, but it doesn't mean that you have to put up with disrespect from her either. I hope all will be good.
2007-12-20 22:29:37 · answer #1 · answered by Daydreamin' 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You may have no issues during your visits, but then again, they are during the summer when she is not in school. Your ex may be having problems because as a responsible custodial parent she is probably giving the child regular rules to live by. Teens naturally don't like rules much and this is often where the problems come in. Add a divorce to the picture and I'm sure she's got issues. Issues which aren't just going to magically disappear because she moves and tries to run away from her mother. Whatever you do, don't make the mistake of thinking things will automatically be hunky dory when she comes to live with you. They might be for awhile, but chances are, once you impose some rules and a regular routine, she won't like it any better with you than with your ex. Try to make rules as close to your ex's as possible to ensure stability in the girl's life and also to present a united front to your daughter and support your ex as a co-parent in this relationship. They don't have to be exactly the same, you've got to be flexible according to your different lifestyles and personalities naturally, but I would try to have a civil meeting with your ex to find out what kind of rules and behaviour she is expecting from your daughter and where they are not being met. Also, please get the girl into counseling ASAP if she's not already in it. She needs someone objective to listen to her.
Good luck!
2007-12-21 00:16:23 · answer #2 · answered by LindaLou 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't tell you how to raise her but I can tell you how we raise our daughter...
Our daughter is 14, too. Usually she has perfect attendance every quarter, once in awhile she will miss a day or 2 if she's sick... and that's not every quarter, perhaps once a year she misses a day... if she ever were to skip, and she has not yet... she would be grounded for a month, no tv, no radio, no nothing... just her homework and some extra chores...
She does her homework every day, and studies... this is a must, no exceptions... some teachers send home journals to sign for the parents when homework is done...
If our daughter got a bad attitude about something it would mean she has to sit and be grounded... until she can come out and apologize or at least listen to reason...
She is not allowed on the internet unless it's for school work. She is not allowed on my space (she made a page once and lied about her age, ugh!). We don't have any music of Brittney Spears in this house (bad example of course!)...
Bedtime is 9, mostly because hubby gets up at 6 too, as does she, for school...
She eats what is set before her for meals. Never an argument out of her for that.
No boyfriends... these days, too many boys are up to no good on the internet, or are already have sex... just the other day a 16 year old boy IM'd me asking a question no 16 year old boy should be asking a married 36 year old woman! I told him I would track down his mother and put him on iggy. Honestly, no boy will be allowed to date her until they come to the door, knock, and meet us first... and that "may" be at the age of 16, perhaps later... depends if I do my homework well and find out if he's a loser or not before their date...
one thing I can suggest is consistency... and never threaten... if you say something is going to happen, perhaps grounding, ground her then!
Good Luck! =)
and keep an eye on her friends... if you find one that is a bad example, make her not hang around that person... I went down to the school once to talk with the principle about a girl who was a bad influence on our daughter... and principle sided w/ me about our girl not hanging around this other girl, the teacher was to separate them as well in class, no more projects w/ that girl, etc...
2007-12-20 23:01:01 · answer #3 · answered by elvlayarvvi fEisty wife and mom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The reason her daughter is probably acting out is because she had no love and attention @ home. Kids will do anything to get their parents to notice them whether its good or bad, attention is attention to a child. All the mom is doing now is just making her own life comfortable, and not worrying about the child. She thinks because the girl is having behavioral problems she can wipe her hands clean. She has a responsibility to her child as a parent. No one said raising kids was going to be easy, however that doesn't give her the right to turn her back on her. I understand "tough love", but I think she forgot the love part. As her friend you should speak up, because saying nothing is the same as agreeing with her.
2016-05-25 07:04:18 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Congratulations to you....
Okay as exciting as this is you need to lay down firm ground rules and stick with them
She may test the water with you so to speak (which is natural)
but you must be consisitent
The self harming is not acting out ... This is done to ease suffering . .confusion etc
She needs stabilty .. rules and boundries and most importantly of all to see she is loved and wanted
If there are others in your family who live with you .. ie kids do not go over board wit her emotionally as this may have a knock on effect
Also remember your girl has been through a lot and this is a life changing experience so try and let a few things go
good luck
2007-12-20 22:55:53 · answer #5 · answered by sammie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
that is normal adolescent behavior dont freek out she also might have been doing that because she felt alone or she felt like she wanted to live with you. when i was that age i used to do exactly the same thing! sometimes even worse! i did it because i didnt have enought attention from my mother after my parent seperated and i wanted to see my dad often but i couldnt..so i started being a pain in the a** but i soon got over it. Just give her time and no matter what,,never turn your back on her or put her down...be there for her and be involved in her life well dont be nosy either she needs her space once i a while and when she needs a mother figure or a girls advice then ask her if she would like to her mother instead if she says no then maybe she feels comfortable talkin to you about it and if she doesnt offer her to have girlfriends over for the night so she can get things off her chest!
2007-12-20 22:32:57 · answer #6 · answered by mave 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps you and your ex-wife could consider working together for the best for your daughter instead of fighting. I'm assuming there may be fighting involved since this has been going on for 5 years. It is normal for teenage girls to have issues with their mothers - however your daughters seem to be extreme. Why not get the 3 of you involved in couseling?
What you don't mention is if either you or the mother have other spouses - are their other children involved?
Good for you for wanting the best for your daughter.
2007-12-20 22:34:17 · answer #7 · answered by pinky 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Is Oppositional Defiant Disorder seen in children below seven years of age and teenagers?
Answer:
According to ICD-10 this type of conduct disorder is characteristically seen in children below the age of 9 or 10 years. All children are oppositional from time to time. They may argue, talk back, disobey and defy parents, teachers and other adults. This is a natural part of growing up. Children tend to be particularly oppositional when they are hungry, tired, stressed or upset. There are also times in a child's development when oppositional behaviour is more common: between the age of 2-3 years old and teenagers. These are developmental stages when it is important children can try their own will and they need to learn how to handle new and conflicting emotions.
What we can do for our children, when they go through these developmental stages, are to be good role models. We need to show our kids that there are ways to control your impulses. Show your child you understand his/her problem. Try to engage him/her into problem-solving, where you can express what you want and then try to find solutions which you both can accept. In time your child will grow up to be compassionate person in charge of hi/her own emotions.
Because oppositional behaviour is very common in preschool children and teenagers one should be very precautious about making the diagnosis of ODD during these periods.
However, a child's uncooperativeness and hostile behaviour becomes a serious concern, when it is so frequent and so consistent that it stands out when compared with other children of the same age and developmental level and when it affects the child's social, family, and academic life.
In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental disorders (DSM-IV) Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ODD, is described as a pattern of negativistic, defiant, disobedient and hostile behaviour toward authority figures that persists for at least six months and is characterized by the frequent occurring of at least four of the following:
losing temper
arguing with adults,
actively defying or refusing to comply with the requests or rules of adults
deliberately doing things that will annoy other people
blaming others for his or her own mistakes or misbehaviour
being touchy or easily annoyed by others
being angry and resentful
being spiteful or vindictive.
2007-12-20 22:41:39 · answer #8 · answered by carriegreen13 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all.. I commend you for stepping up as a Father. Your mission is a simple one.. Just be there for her and be the best Father you know how to be. Everything will fall in to place. Sounds to me like she was just acting out (as you said) to get what she wanted and come live with you. Maybe this is the positive change your daughter needs in her life. Then maybe she will no longer act out. I wish you the best of luck and much happiness with your daughter.
2007-12-20 22:30:19 · answer #9 · answered by Christine 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The whole key here is COMMUNICATION, setting ground rules and sticking to them. Teens are difficult sometimes, and they'll use anything they can to get their ways...they're pretty smart kids.
My daughter is very sweet, but one day, I went into her bedroom for something at night, and she had gone out the window and didn't come home till around 5 am.
The following weekend, I purchased and planted a couple of very pretty rose bushes right below her window.
2007-12-20 22:46:23 · answer #10 · answered by peachesncream 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋