I've been with my firlfriend for 3 years and we have been talking about marriage when I graduate nursing school in the Spring. She has 2 children(boy 10 girl 3) and never married, I have no children and never been married. She lives with her mother, who I can't stand so I won't go over her house,except for the kids b-days or other special occasions. So, between her living situation and my school and work schedule we don't see each other too much. The kids see their father every other weekend, but they call her the entire time they're there to come home. My main concern about getting married is that I don't want to feel like a second class citizen in my own home. I feel like if I am the one providing for the kids most of the time, I should have a say in the way they are raised and disciplined in our home. My girl thinks I should b a spectator and have no say. My response: then from daycare 2 college will b paid 4 by u and thier father. Not a good way 2 start a marriage??????????????????
2007-12-20 22:07:04 · 11 answers · asked by sru056 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You will always be an add on, you've already had the discussion, move on you've had your fun.
When you marry you need to accept and be accepted by everyone who your "other half" loves, including the in-laws and especially the kids, I don't think you have that here.
It's too hard otherwise.
2007-12-20 22:22:55 · answer #1 · answered by Tor 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very astute observation.
I think you have the right to set down a list of expectations regarding their behavior and comportment while in your home.
This would be the same as if they were yours.
I think the discipline must be meted out by their mother.
This may be the area that causes the most problem.
It sounds though that the kids need to have a father figure in the house and you can be the good role model.
The fact that you are going to college is a big step forward and the expectation that school work comes to the front burner would really help them.
You do need to understand that the behavior toward their father will probably fall to you as well. At that age children will avoid the discipline as much as possible.
You will do well to get it out in the open now.
The children need to understand that 1. I am not your father, you have one 2. In my house you are operating under our rules (you must be in full agreement with mom, publicly anyway) 3. We will get along just fine if you guys do what is expected ( those expectations need to be fully understood, no running with knives, no tearing out the walls, school work done before video games etc.)
Good Luck
Follow up- You will also be well served to learn the difference between disciple and punishment. Having discipline is the regimine that makes them do their homework, clean up after themselves, stay out of trouble and perform up to expectations. Punishment on the other hand is what is used to enforce discipline on a child until they learn to exhibit discipline on their own.
It is the punishment or lack of it that gets step parents in trouble.
It sounds like you have a level of personal disciple or you would not now be in school. Teach that to the children and you will be the father.
The major goal as a parent is to offer the children the skills to operate in a world without you. That involves setting reasonable expectations and getting them there. Responsibility breeds privelges.
Most important lesson that a child can learn is how to make good decisions. It matters not who the person is who does that. It can be a teacher, clergy or stepparent. That will be the person most responsible for producing an adult.
The good decision thing is perhaps the most important lesson required for a person to move into adulthood. Many do not ever learn it and are doomed to muddle through life making the same mistakes over and over. Teach them decision making and you will be their father.
2007-12-20 23:55:11 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I fully agree with you that this is no way to start a marriage. Think you can marry her and it will "work itself out"? It won't. There are certain things in a marriage that are deal breakers, and this is one of them. If you both can't agree on an approach to this very important situation, then don't get married. There is no way around it. The situation you mentioned isn't black and white though.....even if you both come to an agreement. You can't simply "have a say" or "not have a say". Being the main father figure is something you have to gradually ease into. When you first get married, you truly ARE just a spectator. It gives you time to adjust (all of you) and learn about the kids. Then as time goes on and you earn their trust and respect, you can begin to become an authority figure WITH the mother. Most families will tell you this whole process happens over the course of a year or two.....and never really "ends". And for the record, never confuse money with the relationship you're talking about. If you are helping out monetarily, do it expecting nothing in return. Money doesn't equal power when it comes to being a step parent.....although it's logical to think this is fair. But the simple fact is that if you two are truly at this point, then don't get married. It's much easier to walk away now, then it is to get divorced with 2 children and disrupt everyone's life. Truly....think long and hard about your future with this family before you make a bad choice. And perhaps you're coming off so strong to your girlfriend that she feels like she needs to block you out in order to protect her kids. Earn her trust if you can, and prove to her that your ideas about parenting arent' all about rules and discipline......think about if you're ready to nurture and love these kids like your own.....that's what needs to come first. The authority will follow.
2007-12-20 23:33:28 · answer #3 · answered by paintgirl 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No it's not a good way to start a marriage. It sounds like she is marrying you only because of her situation, a marriage of convenience; 1)never married, 2) 2 kids, 3) living with her parents that don't even like you and 4) a dad that doesn't support his own kids. She wants out anyway she can get it and your her ticket. Call this thing off now. She only sees the dollar signs she thinks you'll have and that's all she wants. For now at least. Before you know it she'll start wanting you to adopt her kids and will try everything she can to get you to. Like telling you what ever it takes to convince you that you would be a better dad then he is. Then you'll be responsible for them from now on and their dad won't have to pay a cent anymore but will still be every involved in their life and yours if you marry her still. If you get a divorce later on you'll be paying child support on kids that aren't your biological kids. Call it off. I'm sure there's someone out there that will appreciate you much more then this.
2007-12-20 23:09:06 · answer #4 · answered by Countrygirl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all i think u are a super cool guy..i'm a nurse and i wish i had met you becuz u seem so sweet to help out a single mom with 2 kids while trying to better yourself.. As a single mom i can understand your situation and hers too.. its not easy when another man is around your kids and trying to establish a new relationship between yourself, her and her kids. If your girl is serious about having a relationship with u that will lead to marriage then you 2 need to get together with the kids and explain to them your feelings about being with their mom and how it affects them. They may not accept you as a "dad" but they still need to recognize you as an authority in the home. It will take time and your girl will have to help out alot in getting them more used to you being around. You cant do this alone and if she isnt willing to help establish this relationship so that you all can live as a family then you need to consider if the relationship is going to work out or not.
I wish you the best and I hope i one day meet a guy as great as you...and good luck in your nursing career.
2007-12-20 22:17:49 · answer #5 · answered by yoyo 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
YOU must sit down with your fiancee and discuss this BEFORE marriage.
And come on..look at what you have said here...are you sure you want to marry? You do not have to you know.
She has already made it clear your feelings in this extremely important area do not count to her at all and to butt out. See? YOU wrote that of her. You already hate her mom. Her children know they do not have to obey you. You are walking willingly into a HUGE minefield.
Personally.. I say this marriage idea with her might not be the best thing. You would end up bitter and angry most of the time. Marriage is supposed to be good and uplifting and wonderful.
But hey..that is just what I see in your letter to us all.
2007-12-20 23:18:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not even engaged yet and you have all those issues? Man please stop count to ten and rethink this. Issues don't go away just because your married and living in fantasy land. Trust me I didn't like my husbands family before we got married and I always said, "I'm marrying him not them," stupid! You marry the whole family. and if your gonna be the stepfather and contribute to those kids financially you should have a say with every aspect of their lives, even if they see their real father. I think you should just don't make this situation super permanent for at least five more years. Please
2007-12-20 22:17:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this will be a major issue and since your not on the same page, marriage would be a bad idea.
2007-12-20 23:48:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
she is using you.
2007-12-20 22:13:12 · answer #9 · answered by Vengance 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
just be their friend and take it easy
2007-12-20 22:12:10 · answer #10 · answered by The King's Accord 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋