Do you think children are negatively effected if the parents split peacefully and they see both regularly?

Question

I'm splitting with my spouse of 10 years. We have a 2 year old son who will be 3 next month. I am concerned about how the split will affect him and am trying to make it as tolerable as possible. As hard as it is my spouse and I are being civil and friendly and amicable about the whole thing.

I will remain in the same town as my spouse. He will see our son regularly (a couple of times a week at the very least)... as he watches him 1 day a week while I'm at nursing school and will also pick him up from preschool and spend the afternoon with him another day.

We've already discussed how we'll handle holidays and share birthdays etc. We've also discussed that we will not introduce people that we're dating to our son until things are "serious" and we've been with them for 6 months.

I'm wondering if when parents split amicably and peacefully and get along and are both actively involved in the child's life... is their still tremendous psycholigcal damage caused to a child?

Answer 1

My parents divorced when I was two. I don't remember any friction they went through and I never saw the two of them disagree in front of me. In that regard, I was very fortunate and theirs was a most unusual divorce by today's standards where friction and bickering are more often the norm.

I was, however, very much affected by not having a father in my life on as regular a basis as I wanted. The other boys had fathers to take them doing father / son activities. I didn't as I only got to visit my father a couple times a year (he lived 350 miles away). People worried about anything I did or showed interest in as if somehow, not having a Father around so often would turn me into a "Sissy" or I:d fall into gayness in my sexual orientation. The common understanding of children growing up in a divorced home has changed, however, so growing up gay may no longer be the standard suspicion. But I believe your son will see how his family is somewhat different and there will be a hole in his life that he will long to have filled.

For those noncustodials who disagree with the typical parenting arrangement in divorce, they call themselves "14 Percenters" because they only get 14% of the children's time (i.e. one 2-day weekend every 14 days, or 2/14 = 14%), when they believe they deserve 50% to achieve truly equal parenting. They have a point. In divorce, neither parent is considered in the eyes of the law as being lesser than the other, but the practical reality is that the residential parent with physical custody is often considered "the winner" while the non-custodial parent or "the loser" has to go away, pay child support, and get less than half the child's time. Is that truly equal?

I have helped up my own participation in my 3 children's lives by incorporating a webcam for supplemental visitation on top of the in person visitation time I have. I've even changed the laws in my state to make this a legally supportable request if the non-custodial parent wants more time than alternating weekends, holidays and a few weeks in the summer (e.g. the standard visitation schedule). Connecting electronically is not as good as a hug in person but it definately involves the non-custodial more in the weekly and even daily lives of their children and is something I sincerely recommend for your situation. It is good that you are staying in the same town as your Ex. Please don't fall for the temptation to move away as this will significantly impair his visitation time and make him less of an active parent. But incorporate a regular schedule for "virtual visitation" or electronic communication IN ADDITION TO the in-person time. This can be by phone, webcam, or instant messenger. Since your child is only 2 right now, they aren't going to be communicating electronically so often but this will become more important as they get older. So I do recommend incorporating a provision for electronic communication in your divorce agreement to address the needs of your child which will change as they get older.

Email me if you would like sample documentation on this or other ideas on how to mitigate the effects of divorce on a child.

As for your not introducing the children to anyone new you've been dating for at least 6 months, I think that is an admirable intention. However, chronological time may not be the same as cumulative time spent with the significant other and I'm not sure 6 months is the right number. I had a very meaningful relationship with a significant other with whom I spent every day and she did not agree to see my children until after we had been together for 6 months. I thought that was too long and actually resented her position on this. "Love me / Love my children" as the expression goes. Are you going to try to put your 6 month rule into your divorce decree? How will you enforce that? I doubt if you will be able to. From a practical standpoint, what can you do if your Ex introduces a new significant other sooner than 6 months. Take him to court? That's like keeping handcuffs on each other and after divorce, you are free to date and behave in your private life mostly as you see fit (within reason). Yours is a noble idea, I'm just skeptical there will be any teeth in it from a practical standpoint. But good luck to you if you and your Ex can keep everything civil, cooperative, and friendly.

You have a big road ahead of you and I wish you the best of luck. It's never easy though, and yes, the child will be impacted although hopefully not "devastated". It will be years before you or he will really know.

Answer 2

This is my personal opinion: It seems as though you and your husband are mature people who believe in doing things int he best interest of your child. Your baby will be just fine, so as long as you two keep a good relationship and maintain a consistent routine (as it seems you are planning). I just read an article that explains that parents who are divorced tend to overcompensate and make sure that the child gets plenty of attention. One thing though, make sure you both agree on discipline methods and that just because you said "no" to the child, the child cannot go to the other parent for the "yes." Your baby is still young enough to where the split will not be remembered. Good luck!

Answer 3

If you're absolutely positively sure that you must split with your spouse, then this is the best way to do it. However, when you or your spouse remarry, other children will come first, as will the new marriage, and that will be awful for your son. So, ask yourself, is this divorce more important to you than your son? Because that's the choice you're making.

If you must do this, then you're doing it the best way possible. However, your son will always have some effects from the divorce, you're just doing your best to minimize them.

Answer 4

Yes. Although it's hard to predict how much. My cousin "protested" her parent's peaceful divorce by dropping out of school. My other relative seems to be doing OK while her parents have divorced in rather unfriendly way.
Children are simple: they ask a question "Howcome you and Dad don't live together, just like other children's parents?" There is no good answer to that. No logical explanation will do. However, if you're both unhappy in this marriage your child is probably better off by having happy parents who are split rather than unhappy parents who live together. I've seen unhappy parents who decided to live together for whatever reason (house and stuff) - nothing good came out of it. Their children grew up in denial of emotions and uncapable of love.
It will get more complicated when you or he re-marry and even more complicated with new half-siblins. But what can we do - life IS complicated.

Answer 5

Not necessarily.

From a psychology perspective, divorce in and of itself is not evil. The research on divorce's impact on children is mixed ... which is appropriate as there are many reasons to get divorced.

Research does show that a peaceful split and both parents staying involved seems to support mental health in children.

I've worked with a number of clients who were psychologically hurt because their parents chose to stay together in a hurtful relationship.

As parents, our staying married impacts our children (for good or bad). Our divorcing impacts are children, too. We need to do the best we can, and lovingly respond.

Good luck. I applaud your courage.

Answer 6

yes, but it seems you are picking the lessor of the two evils and that you both have great attitudes. I've experienced the introduction of someone else in the relationship to be the hardest. Be careful with those set in stone "serious rules" and stay out of court

Answer 7

it is probably better that you start him getting used to it at this young age,yes it is better to share him with each other,most stepparents can't love a child as much as the real parents,my stepmother was so horrible that i couldn't stand to be around her to get to know my father at 13 when i met him,and mine and my son's step fathers were abusive.but if you keep your heads level enough this may not happen to yous.

Answer 8

It will absolutely have an effect on the child. Repercussions throughout his development...there's no way to avoid that in a divorce.

Answer 9

yes