What do you think about this.....?

Question

Do u hear that hush across my wrist?

Do u see the way i clench my fist?

Seeing the crimson pull out so fine

Sometimes I wish you were still mine

I know it was my mistake to let you go

But your like a vine that i can't seem to ungrown

The way my pain is twisting around

The way the weapon i'm gripping makes a hush sound

Hushing my trouble in one vein

Making it sound like a just like sprinkling rain

Do u hear the pang of of rushing emotion?

Then suddenly i hit the ground with a sudden commotion

That crismon spurting across the the floor with the sound of a last seen ocean


I just need some comments of anything i could do to make this better..... Any comments are acceptable...

I don't do this to myself.... I made it up...

Answer 1

lots of experts commenting here, about you, your writing, and each other. One thing it all has in common. "It's all drivel". Most will have to look that up in the dictionary to see what it means. Get some education then try again.
edit:
teddygrams556 also gets a label, but I don't use language like that on YA!

Answer 2

Honestly.

It's horrible.

You have no sense of flow and buildup. You are trying so hard to get this "Point" across that you want to slash your wrists. But it comes off as being whiny.

If you want a way to make it better, throw it away and give up on writing poetry about slashing your wrists. It's a very old, tired subject.

Try writing a poem about the emotional pain you feel inside and how it feels like grains of sand slipping through your fingers.

At least then you could make it interesting and not say the same thing over and over.

But really your best bet would be to wait 10 years till you're 23 then try to write some poetry.

Answer 3

Actually, I really like it! Especially the first four lines
A few changes might make it even better, but it's really good as it is. The content isn't really my thing though.

"Then suddenly i hit the ground with a sudden commotion"
The use of suddenly and sudden in one sentence might be a bit too much, using a synonym might make it nicer

"That crismon spurting across the the floor with the sound of a last seen ocean"
I'm not sure about the last seen ocean part, something else to describe the sound might work out better.

But overall very nice ^^
Thanks for charing

Answer 4

I think you've over-thought the rhyming and it's not helping the poem. Try playing around with alliteration and keeping track of the number of syllables each line has for better flow. Try writing the poem without rhyming and see how it turns out.
I'm also seeing that you're using the word "hush" a lot. And if used the right way, repetitiveness can be affective, but it isn't here.
Hope that helps.

Answer 5

I use to write dark poetry like you. It sounds like just like me you have alot of issues with self harm. You should seek help. Try getting an Alpha Stim or going to an acupuncturist. But yeah, you're a good writter.

Answer 6

uhhh.....i think u should either rhyme or not rhyme. if u want to rhyme, u need a much better and more fluent tone and rhythmic beat to the poem. oh yeah, try different words and adjectives. umm...and also try and convey better what your poem is SAYING, or at least metaphorically what it's saying.

Answer 7

That is terribly sad! And no offense, scary. I hope it isn't something you're thinking about cause no one is worth that! If you are please get help, talk to someone. If not and you just came up with it? Very creative, you have talent. Clearly you are good, but I would get depressed reading things like this.

Answer 8

Immature and childish

Answer 9

Too dark and gory for my taste. I'm not into slasher poetry.

Answer 10

You think too much. stop being so emotional fool