After the divorce is final would you still be friends with the ex?

Question

Ok I have finally decided to go through with the divorce. Here is a quick note of how I got to this point.

All of the signs are there that she does not want to be married to me. She says she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. She says I am the love of her life, but she does not feel that she is good enough to be my wife. I have never said anything like that and I have been working for the past 12 months to fix our marriage. I even quit my road warrior job for a lower paying job so I don't have to travel.

Anyway when I ask her what she want's to do she says she doesn't know. But if I say then I want a divorce, she says ok if that is what you want. So the signs for me is that she wants me to be the one who does the divorce. Fine I take full responsiblity.

But now she is upset that I don't want to be her friend after the divorce. I don't know what to think. Oh we don't have any kids so there is really no reason to be friends afterwords.

What do you guys think?

Been together for 16 years. Married for 5. Lived together for a total of 12 years.

Yes I know it's going to be hard/impossible to forget about her after all these years. But I don't know how I could handle her seeing someone else and still wanting to be my friend. I hope it's not to get advice? or anything like that.

I told her there is no way we are going to be like the show Will & Grace? Where we were together and now we are separated and she is dating and I'm dating and we comfort each other if it goes bad...

Yes we both have self esteem issues. We are both in therapy, and did couples therapy. I'm feeling better about myself more and more every day.

She on the other hand had an affair, and I forgave her. I posted a question about it last week.

Anyway this Monday we both got into and I pretty much said I want a divorce. That I can't keep trying to prove that I forgave her and that I love her. She said if that is what you want.... And left it at that.

Answer 1

i am friends with all my ex's!:) after you shared part of you life with someone it is not easy to not want them to be in your life! just because you are no longer married doesn't mean you cant be friends! how could u not want to be friends with someone you once cared about!

Answer 2

I don't think this is a divorce situation. You have done a lot to help your marriage, but your wife is "confused". I didn't read anything that says she wants a divorce. I think she is suffering from some mental illness at the moment and needs to see a professional. She has very low self-esteem, can't make any decisions, doesn't know what she wants, and just wants life to carry her along. Focus on her feelings right now, and don't make her make any decisions about her future. Ask around for a good therapist who can help her through this. I would hate to see you end a marriage with someone who says you are the love of her life.

Answer 3

I stayed friends with my ex even though we don't have kids. We've been divorced for 7 years, and we still talk regularly, and see each other occasionally. I'm re-married, and he's in a long-term relationship. It really depends on the people; some people can get past the hurt and truly be friends, others are better off never seeing each other again. If you feel that it's better if you don't see her for a while, then do what makes sense to you. You're not obligated to "stay friends" or any such thing - the friendship may develop later, but it should not be forced.

Answer 4

It depends on your investment in the friendship/relationship. Obviously she had qualities you were attracted to. She sounds like she has some severe self esteem issues. Did you guys ever try counseling? It doesn't work for everyone, but she seems to be in a self fulfilling prophecy where she thinks you will leave and then does things to make you do it. If you don't want to have any contact anymore, then don't. But consider what you feel. Alone. By yourself. Think about the good and the bad and decide. We are Internet strangers and really can't help because we don't have all the history and even if we did, we are all individuals and respond differently. I wish and hope the best for you both. Sounds like you are both hurting.

Answer 5

I think that if there are no kids involved in this mess, then you should stop contact.
(Exes are exes for good reasons; and many times we have to be civil with ours because we had kids together, and we do it for the kids' sake. ) Many times we want to hold on to toxic relationships out of habit, not because we really need these people around.

If you feel like it would harm you or make it harder for you to move on, then don't see her or talk to her or communicate at all. Leave the past where it belongs, so you can try to enjoy the present and build a better future. Good luck!

Answer 6

First off it does not sound like she really wants the divorce but would like for you to take the lead in the marriage, sure you are closer now, but she needs to know you truly want the marriage to work, pursue her as you did to get her and take responsibility for the marriage, not just whatever she wants, that is a cop out... you are after all her covering.... I believe you can work it out.... Love is a decision (verb) and not a noun. If you do decide to divorce, which I hope you don't, then choose to stay friends... it is possible and a worthwhile decision.....GB

Answer 7

There are a few divorced couples out there that are still friends. With me though, if I did not have a chikld with my ex husband, then I would have erased him from my life. But when my divorce was going on, I could not even stand the sight of him.

Answer 8

I agree, the only reason I would even talk to my ex is for the kids. You don't have to, and should not be friends with her. You need to move on. When you meet someone else, how do you think your new girlfrien would feel if she found out you and your ex are "friends"? This is just another way for your wife to hang on to you. To have you around in case she runs out of options. She wants you around but also wants to run around with other man. I'm sorry, but that's what it sounds like. If she cann't commit to you, that's fine, you have given her freedom like she wanted. So she can't expect anything else from you. Save your friendship for the woman that wants to be with you.

Answer 9

either her heart is set somewhere else or she needs to see a shrink. I had an ex who only felt loved in an abusive relationship (she had a history). So you seriously might want to check it out. If you have kids, then yes you have to be friends or else who cares. She is forcing you to be her friend so that she feels less guilty about leaving you. Good luck.

Answer 10

How long have you been married?

Being friends is different from being friendly if you were to run into her. Its your choice to make. Sometimes its better to just move on versus having alot of contact with an ex. Let yourself get to the point where its not painful to see her and vice versa.

Answer 11

If you have no children, I don't see the point. My sister hasn't spoken a word to her ex since before the divorce was final. Why bother?

If you have children together, it pays to get along, if only for the children.