My Fiance' is a good man & I love him. He was married for 20 years & had 4 children with his ex wife. He was a Jehovah Witness & raised his kids in that religion. He has since left that religion because of the fanatical views they have. When he left the religion he also left his wife because she was "brainwashing" the kids into thinking their Dad was a terrible person because he was no longer in "the truth". Right before I started dating him, my fiance' lived in an old rusted out trailer by himself, got addicted to porn, was up in the Karaoke Bars every single night, his kids did not want to see him because "Mom says Dad is bad". He started talking to women online & trying to "hookup" with Women for sex (but says he never went through with it). Then he met me at a Karaoke Party. He has since stopped watching the porn. He only goes to the bar twice a week (usually with me). And 2 of his kids are talking to him again. Is my fiance' okay? Or should I be concerned & rethink marrying him?
2007-12-20 05:14:51 · 12 answers · asked by VintagePort 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The fact that my fiance' got online looking for women to "have sex with" concerns me even though he did it before he knew me. He did not tell me anything about this when we started dating so he was hiding it. Hiding things from me is not what I want. He says that he did not even think it was a big enough deal to meantion because he never actually went through with meeting anyone. One of the women he was talking to was married with kids. He is very affectionate & kind & seems to tell me everything now. Do you think he was just going through a depressed spell after losing his family or do you think I should be concerned that these same behaviors will pop up after I marry him?
2007-12-20 05:32:01 · update #1
from personal experience, avoid men who cruise the internet for sex and 'dates' and also men who frequent bars.
these guys are normally needy (the internet type) and someone who goes to bars a lot usually have problems with alcohol.
it's your life, but he sounds like a loser to me...and comes with a LOT of family drama...
i'd run.
2007-12-20 05:19:39 · answer #1 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you must first understand that if you do marry him, that the kids will be a part of your life. His ex wife more than likely will to because of the kids. For me personally that would be a big step. I do not want someone Else's baggage. (that's why I'm thankful the my Mr right has never been married or has kids) I've known allot pf people that have big trouble in that department. The ex is always round and kids being awful. Your opinion might not mean must to her when it comes to her kids. But on the other hand I'm sure there are people out their that do not have trouble. If I were you I would tell your fiance' that you two should see a counselor. Some churches don't allow couples to get married without getting counseling first. I would bring up the issues that he had in the past. It's possible that he still watches porn without your acknowledgment. Your dealing with someone who has had 20 years of his life with someone else and sounds like was a religious person. What are his views on religion now? Long history your dealing with here. I would not jump into marriage right away.
2007-12-20 05:36:07 · answer #2 · answered by catwoman 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
After reading what you wrote I think number one he is a good guy because he told you all of this he could have lied like most men and you would have found out later!
I think he did all those bad things because he was like a teenager gone wild after the divorce! I know I was girls gone wild when I divorced.
Anyway getting back if you should or should not marry him?
As long as you don't try to change him then you should be fine.
If you don't mind going to the bar at least once a week then you should be fine.
Kids now that is another story if you plan on not having children you both can have a good life together but if you have children you might end up like the ex.
Most people who have more then two kids with the first marriage and kids are almost grown do not want to start over again!
So with all that being said, If you can play by those rules I think you will be happy.
Don't get married if you want to sit home and bake bread and have babies it is not going to happen with him. He did that done it and has since discovered things he never got a chance to do.
Good luck!
2007-12-20 05:32:19 · answer #3 · answered by lisalisa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well it is definently something to be concerned about. my fiance has a pretty rough past too and is also a very good guy with a very kind heart. he has a good family also, besides his father who is messed up in his own ways and cares nothing about him. I would just hang in there if i was you. i wouldn't jump right into marriage just yet. i would first get to know him really well because trust me honey if he has all these problems they will eventually come out. It only took a year if that for my fiances problems to come up. It has definently made me step back and take a second look at our relationship and whether i want to go though with marriage or not. It's hard to leave someone because of their problems when you have already become so involved with them. If i didn't truly love my fiance, i probably would have already left him. I'm just kind of sitting back and letting God deal with him because that's the only way it will ever work out. Good luck!
2007-12-20 05:58:34 · answer #4 · answered by meagan k 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The guy was probably lonely for human companionship, so that's why he would go to Karaoke bars. Plus when the "singers" are pretty drunk, their performances are hilarious!
The porn.......just needed some sexual relief.
As far as hooking up with women for sex, maybe he felt "once bitten, twice shy" and wasn't ready for a relationship.
You said he stopped looking at the porn, and that a couple of his kids are communicating with him. And then he has you.
In my opinion, it looks like things are on the up-swing for him and that you don't need to worry about his past.
Unless he's giving you reasons to doubt him, then don't.
2007-12-20 05:39:19 · answer #5 · answered by Ella 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love is a crazy thing.
I've been battling a porn addiction for 9 years. I could go several months of not doing it, but I recently slipped, and now my wife is thinking about leaving me.
However, realize that I'm addicted, it's not because I don't love her, or don't find her attracted.
So....
If you can handle yourself knowing that he may "screw up" and betray you... are you going to leave him, or work through his problems or addictions.
If you love him enough to work through his problems, he'll be a better person because of you. But - you are getting some baggage so beware.
I was addicted to porn before I married, but she didn't know. At least you know what you are getting into.
If you're a loving caring person that can try to help him, and if you won't take it personal when he screws up - you may be okay and can find love and happiness in this crazy world.
2007-12-20 05:21:54 · answer #6 · answered by Steve 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From a rational standpoint, you should be concerned. But love is not always purely rational. This person has a lot of baggage that won't be easy to deal with - so, just be realistic.
2007-12-20 05:34:12 · answer #7 · answered by Sandy Ego 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, he told you, right? Sit him down and let him know you want nothing but the truth. Would you like to make his past even sadder, leaving him, the woman he loves....leave? Listen to your heart.
2007-12-20 05:34:28 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Everyone has a past. You either accept him and love him for who he's been and is now or you move on. Good luck and Merry Christmas.
2007-12-20 05:25:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
my God that poor man
1st his wife has elt people & religion decide for their future
& now he is angage to a woman who in her ways are doing the same to him
you are worst you are about to let a bunch of stranger decide for your future
No you should not marry him because your are not better than his wife
2007-12-20 05:31:47 · answer #10 · answered by waiting for baby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋