Do most wives stop sleeping with their husbands, or am I one of the lucky few?

Question

We've been married for 8 years and have three beautiful little boys, one 7 and 3 year old twins. About 2 years ago, my wife stopped sleeping with me on a regular basis. As time goes by, it just gets worse and worse. Obviously, every situation is different and has its own unique set of factors, but I'm looking for a general answer.

I have not let myself go. I'm still trim and exercise regularly. I don't drink or smoke or spend any time away from home. I go to work at 9 and come home by 7 to play with the kids until they go to bed. I always put the family before my career.

I can't imagine having an affair with someone else, but I also can't imagine going the rest of my life without sex.

Any advice or insight?

It is interesting that many people have suggested that I talk to my wife about this. You don't think I've already brought up this issue several hundred times? She says she's tired. And I'm sure that she is. But I still feel that it is more of an excuse than anything else. And yes, I can plan a romantic evening or weekend getaway, but I really can't afford to spend several hundred dollars every time I want to have sex. I want to know, in general, do women lose interest in sex (with their husbands) for absolutely no reason. We're not old. I'm 36. She's 35.

Oh, and one more thing. Under no circumstances will I ever get divorced. I would never do that to my kids. Their happiness is much more important than mine...

Answer 1

I can't imagine doing that to my husband. As irrelevant as most people find it, I think the Bible was right when it commanded that a married couple should 'never abstain' from one another. It goes on to say that if for any reason you have to stop having sex for a period of time, you should 'come back together quickly, to avoid temptation'. All of that to say, what she's doing to you is wrong, and she might not even know it. Have you tried confronting her about it? She's your wife, and the mother of your children, she probably doesn't even know she's hurting you by not having sex. Communicate your woundedness to her. Even if she doesn't 'want' it, she should give it up to you because she loves you.

Cheers

Answer 2

I don't think it's normal to withhold sex from your husband but your wife sounds like a very busy lady with 3 kids. You sound like you love her very much. My advice..get a babysitter for overnight and take your wife to a hotel and be romantic and loving and you will get some! Make a point of doing this often. After having kids a woman feels there is no time for sex or she is too tired. Even simple things like taking the 3 kids out for the day so she can have some alone time will get her more in the mood. I hope you are letting her know she is still beautiful and how much you love her!

Answer 3

I had a spell like that with my husband. I just didn't want it and had absolutely no desire for intimate time. I felt that we kept drifting farther and farther apart. It was mainly after the birth of our second child. We had a good family life, husband works hard to make sure I got to stay at home with the kids. Then I realized that we weren't making time to connect. And when we did all that my husband wanted was sex. So we started to make our relationship a priority like the kids. And my passion for him came back I was just happier in general and could do more. I do get tired to, but when everything is going good it isn't like that anymore. I'll have a lazy day but I still am ready for my husband. I don't know if your wife takes vitamins, but if she doesn't that has helped me when I am tired and low on energy. Try going on date nights and rekindling your old flame. I went through the dry spell and I'm 23. I think when women get overly stressed and have so much on our minds it is so hard to think about anything else especially being intimate. This is what my experience was and it did turn around. We have been married for almost four years. I don't know if any of this could help you, but since I went through it from the females side I thought it could help. Good luck and hope it gets better.

Answer 4

Question...has she been showing any behaviour changes in the time span you noted? Absent minded? Getting dressed-up? Primping more than she used to? There is a chance that you may not be the first in the family to start an affair.

Are you helping out around the house...laundry and housework, not just playing with the kids...? If you're not, she may be too tired and turned off. Presumably your wife is a stay-at-home mom and by the time you come home, wants some "adult" time. What do you do, but ignore her in favour of your kids...she may be feeling abandoned.

If you have some relatives that the kids are close to, or even a family friend that likes your kids, and who is in turn liked by the kids, make some babysitting arrangements for a weekend EARLY in the New Year and take her out for a date, and tell her how much you love her.

In the mean time, before then, and continuing after, schedule for some "cuddle" time with her. Ensure that she is told in "non-intimate" moments that you love her. etc.

She could also be stuck in "mommy" mode. You will have to speak to her as one adult to another and remind her of the joys of being a wife to you as well as a mother to your kids. This does occasionally happen.

In any case, you may have to sit down for a frank discussion with your wife as to why her libido has vanished, and even if she is still *in* love with you, as opposed to simply loving you like a friend, family member, or close acquaintence. In short, are you mates, or roomies?

Good luck, and I wish you the best in the resolution!

Answer 5

I'm glad I saw your question, I'm that wife. Wow..I never really thought about it until now. I started sleeping on the couch..for years..I guess after awhile sex just wasn't a priority..all I wanted to do was get some sleep. I could rest better sleeping by myself, I suppose I started taking things for granted.Communication stopped, I turned everything around and made it all about me and the kids. Yes, we are divorced now, but I see my part. You sound like a good husband. In the end , we didn't talk we yelled. Try telling her how you feel, ask her how she feels..don't give up before giving it a solid chance. Good luck.

Answer 6

Kudos to you for not cheating. I think you and your wife probably stopped dating. Do you go out? Do you do things together like long walks, parks, dancing, playing games, curling up and watching movies at home. If all the time is spent playing with the kids, your relationship as a married couple will suffer. You better get that spark flying. Pay her lots of attention. Rub her feet for no reason. Massage her head and look into her eyes. Compliment her often. Hold the door for her. Share a favorite drink/wine before bed. Laugh out loud together with some comedy. These were the things you probably did before your got married and there is no reason why it should stop.

Answer 7

I have been married for 45 years and I say to you welcome to the club of total frustration. I don't know what happens to women after a period of time into the marriage but it appears to be common place in most marriages. I don't know if women realize how much pain they cause by not allowing us men to participate in something so necessary and to maintain a proper balance. I know that life and our relationship would have been happier if sex was present on a weekly bases or when ever one is desirous of that privilege. A Psychologist stated that "How goes the bedroom so goes the marriage". In my judgment true words were never spoken. My wife and I share the same bed only because we have only one bed room. I have to say that counseling was no help. I believe women use sex as a tool for various reasons. I wish I had the answer for you and myself. Unfortunately one has to grin and bare it. I assume there are cases where the lack of sharing is caused by legitimate reasons but they should be identified.

Answer 8

I dont think she doesnt want to have sex with you, she is just probably soo tired! She has 3 kids that need her constant attention and then is she works...You need to weigh in some factors. With three kids she has 3 FULL TIME jobs. Someone always needs her.

To get her back in the mood. Be romantic. Give her a day to her self. Flowers, dinner, cuddling. I mean have you tired talking to her about it. I mean I dont think from the question that you are demanding it. Trying talking with her and let her know that you feel left out and that you have needs. Sometimes just letting her know is what really needs to go on. Tell her you understand if she is tired, worn out and stress but be romantic and that all I can say. From personal experince the times my husband is most romantic and to get me in the mood from being extremelt tired is when he cooks for me, does the dishes and has me sit and do nothing like watching tv or taking along bath witha glass of wine.

Answer 9

well, she has to feel loved. I know that my husband works from 11 AM to 8 PM, and sometimes I miss him. So then I do all this stuff to keep me busy ( I don't have kids, they would keep me busy then) like cleaning and stuff. He doesn't say "thank you" or "you are such a wonderful wife, I couldn't do it without you" and it hurts. So then it's like "why sleep with you if you don't appreciate me" .... we try so hard sometimes, without recognition.

My advice? Find someone to watch the kids one night, steal her away from everything and everyone. No technology, nothing. Buy her flowers when doing it. Buy her a loving card and tell her how much you love her. Take her to a romantic dinner, or if you are lucky, cook for her yourself. Make sure you make her feel special.

Sometimes, after a woman has kids, she doesn't feel like she is special enough, or has time enough, to do things like be intimate with her husband. So you'll be giving her both!

(ps, make sure you don't just do this once, maybe you could talk to her about a "you and her" night, where you give the kids to grandma's and grandpa's, and just relax, just the two of you)

(pss, make sure she knows you love her and think she is still sexy on a DAILY basis...)

Good luck!!!!!

Answer 10

After being married for a number of years, I would always wake up alone even though we had gone to sleep together. It was a lonely feeling, A good number of years later (after my divorce) I had an 8 year love affair and when we slept together, she was always next to me when I woke up.

The absence of passion in any relationship is the death knell of that relationship. The successful longevity of my love affair was that when she stayed with me I would give her a 30--minute good night kiss.

I was a good husband and never cheated, but I had a churning hunger for more.