why am i jealous of other peoples lives and their happiness ?

Question

my life has always been like existing in black hole...cold and alone....isolated.

the few contacts ive made through this site that i added to yahoo messenger, except one very nice lady...a good friend - have all deserted me and dont contact me anymore.

most of them for statistic purpouses were white american females.

its like they've been influenced to not talk or contact me anymore..

grrrrrrrrrrrrr !!

i feel so angry and bitter....never having experienced any happiness or fullfillment in my life....only pain and misery, rejection, sexual abuse, bullying, victimization.

im clenching my teeth everyday im so annoyed....i wish i would of battered the bullys heads in with a wooden fence post instead of letting them bully me.

i have BPD, have made no friends in life, never been in a relationship ever..im 30 years old.

all i see around me is happy, grinning people...grinning yahoo avatars with them cartoon broad grins....i see things that ive never had mirrored back at me DAILY !

Answer 1

I think that the internet is not a good place to be looking for meaningful relationships. People have a tendency to misuse/abuse the fact that they can be whoever or whatever their imagination desires when online. Many of them are acting out their own misery or isolation by hurting or misleading others who only want to keep it real.
Try getting out and about more and mix with people in the real world rather than on the net. Good luck.

Answer 2

Hello,

(ANS) OK! YES! feeling alone & so lonely is a painful & an unhappy place to be, but I would say this to you.

Have you ever stopped to consider that your feelings might be completely legitimate, that feeling angry is OK, that you feel angry for a reason which may or may not be clear to you right now.

Right now everything seems very black, seems bleak, seems empty or seems full of hurt and pain. That's because your feelings are overwhelming you and the negative thinking is a part of that same process. I would suggest that if you had a safe place in which to express your feelings of anger, rage, disappointment, isolation and so on you would start to feel & see things change and begin to seem different. But right now all you can see is the black hole and no light, no other stars or suns in the space around you.

**Its far to easy to think everyone else has this happiness thing, but I can reassure you that reality is NOTHING like that. Life is not black or white, its not either or, yes! there are some people who have relatively happy lives, there are people who lives with all sorts of emotions & experiences, there is also a massive amount of pain & suffering in our society too.

**One of your issues is how you deal with your pain, & your anger. Just because you feel angry, sad, isolated etc doesn't mean your a bad person, doesn't mean you don't have good things to offer others. Your negative thinking about yourself is yet another part of what gets in your way, its part of whats stopping you changing your situation for the better. Look underneath your angry & rage I'm 100% certain there is a lovely person wanting to come out and show himself to the rest of us.

**Its OK to be angry, its OK! to feel hurt, to feel sad, its OK! to feel the pain of rejection aweful as that is but your feelings are real. Your feelings are your friends.

In conclusion:- Here is a little something I wrote a few years ago that I think might speak to you?

Some people might say that Anger is not a very spiritual kind of emotion,
But if you cannot be angry,
How can you grieve,
And if you cannot grieve,
How can you open your heart,
And if you cannot open your heart,
How can you love,
And if you cannot love,
How can you forgive,
And without forgiveness,
There is no compassion,
And without compassion,
There is no healing!!,
So,who says anger isn't a Spiritual kind of emotion,
And so things are NOT always what they seem.

**IR 07.01.95

I hope you find your pathway to healing your inner wounded-ness, with Kindest Regards Ivan

**Love yourself, be kind to yourself. Its OK! to be completely you!! Think about that.

Answer 3

Oh honey! I was so touched by what you wrote, and you have my sympathy. I totally understand where you are coming from. I want to write an answer because your question touched me. Although I don't know if what I will say will help you or change you I hope it does some good, cuz I hate to think of someone so unhappy. Firstly can I just say well done in getting to 30! I think that shows you are a very strong person. There are numerous people who probably would have killed themselves by now going through what you have! You should feel an achievement in that and be bloody proud of yourself! That shows you have an inner strength that you may not realise is there! You need to only surround yourself with decent human beings. Anyone who makes you feel uncomfortable or victimized is not worth your time. Also bear in mind that most of these people are bullys because they have an inferiority complex and no conscience! As for browsing myspace profiles, people generally like to show off and make themselves look a different person on myspace, usually showing only what they want people to see. These are not proper real people they are just profiles. Dont get sucked in to it. Same goes for t.v! Also as some others have said, there is always someone "better off" than you, just as there is always equally someone "worse off" than you, its just that what you are surrounded with is pictures and images of all these wonderful lives, that you get a distorted view of the world. You dont look out your window and see starving kids in africa, or people shut away in their homes due to illness, depression, or disability. I would advise that you reach out to those who are worse off than you, as you will have more respect for yourself for being a kind person, and that will build up your confidence. Also by realising there are people out there who could do with your help, it will help put things in perspective and make you realise what you have got - a roof over your head, food to eat, the internet and a t.v etc. Maybe you could volunteer for the samaritans (you'd be working on a phone line and not in person) or do some charity work, or just even get involved in a charity that means something to you, and read up on their work. I really believe that when you give something out, it will come back to you. I am sure you have so much potential, everyone has a gift to give. Good luck and please don't feel too bad. I really hope you feel better. No one should have to feel that way.

Answer 4

Most people are envious of others, they have more then me is the way they think. Why a white American female, there are other colors and they are not bad. There are places in the large cities near me that you should not go without a gun. You can be shoot for wrong color (clothes or skin), someone wants what you have or just be because they don't like you. As for my avatar I don't think I grin because I don't do it in life, well not a show of teeth.

Answer 5

Depression is a lonely career, not one we choose for ourselves but is inflicted upon us, I hate going out, hate seeing others so happy, so I built myself a cosy prison cell and set about isolating myself, hoping that not seeing others happiness would block out my feelings of what a sad and miserable life Iv'e had (abuse is all I ever got). But it's not a good place to be, so with all the strength I can muster I go out there and smile, look at others happiness and thank goodness that not everyone has to live in the dark hell hole which those who suffer bouts of depression live in, this may sound cruel but we are our own worst enemies, we sit and indulge in our own self pity. Those around us can not cope with our negative vibes and destructive behaviour and sensibly detatch themselves before they too are dragged down, don't blame them, they would help us if they could. It can take a long time and many trips to the doctors, councillors, psyciatrists to finally get the correct diagnosis and help we really need, only then can we get on with our own lives. Another depressive personality is not the best person to help you, they have their own problems and you should'nt expect them to be there for you all the time.

Answer 6

This used to happen to me, i would get so mad i didn't know what to do and didn't know how to fix it.

Luckily though, i have a few good friends and they are the ones who fixed it for me, even though it was really really hard for them. But they just had to kind of slap me in face with reality. They told me that all I was doing was feeling bad for myself, and I had to admit, I was. I was being selfish and unreasonable and wouldn't let myself have a good time. I am not saying that that applies to you too, im just saying thats what happened to me and maybe you can relate a little bit because you say your always mad.

Nobodys life is perfect, but they come up from it with a smile. Nobody is going to want to hang out with you or be your friend if you are always mad.

After my friends told me this, i tried going straight from mad and putting a smile on my face and really having a good time. It was a little awkward but worth it. Make conversations with people as much as you can, just take a deep breathe and go for it, laugh alot, just have fun with your life. Try new things like acrobatics class, i don't know, just wing it, have fun with it and remember, there is NO one like you, your unique and beautiful no matter what YOU see in the mirror. So even if you don't think your beautiful, it doesn't mean everyone else thinks that too.

Answer 7

So then you must wonder... why are they all smiling? Well, let me share with you the big secret....

WE CHOOSE TO SMILE! It's a choice. We've ALL had terrible things happen in our lives. I nodded while I read your list of sad experiences because I can relate. HOWEVER, you can choose to be be happy despite all those things.

You said "i see things that ive never had mirrored back at me DAILY ! " Then, put a smile on your face! It will come back to you!

Answer 8

I realize that you have a reason to be angry, jealous, sad and all those mixed feelings. Life is not fair to some people and it's really sad. Sometimes I just feel the same way as you do. I do hope that you will eventually find happiness. Good luck.

Answer 9

Blast it, Proteus, now you

Answer 10

Hey, relax.. there is nothing worng with you, what you feel is only natural, only get smart.. i feel you are a sweet person and i would like to be your friend, thats your christmas gift and belive ... just enjoy life to the full, live it to the full... don't worry about others and most of all don't worry about your self... you will do well.... i feel you have seen a lot in this life time already... so you will be able to live life smartly...