The boy is 17 years old and graduating in 08 and going to college in summer. I just don't want him to lose sight of his goals. I know right now is a hard time for him. What encouraging words can I give him?
2007-12-20 03:27:03 · 31 answers · asked by fanna17 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time right now. I'm here for you and just want you to know that anything I can do to help - let me know.
Then - keep checking in with him.
G-d bless....losing a parent is tough.
2007-12-20 03:30:29 · answer #1 · answered by plushy_bear 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
First, it isn't clear which "him" you're referring to, but assuming it's the friend (the one who lost his father), realize you can't control what he does.
I gather the loss is really recent. He does need to grieve. Trying to pretend nothing has happened will be worse for him in the long run.
That usually does mean a temporary loss of attention to anything else. That's just how life is.
Tell him how sorry you are for his loss. If he wants to talk to you, listen to him sympathetically.
If he says things about school being meaningless, express agreement with his feelings, and let him get them all out.
After that, you can point out that his loss is new, and after some time has passed he'll again be able to care about his own life, and his future. Hard as it is to believe now, it will get better.
The character Tara, on Buffy the Vampire Slayer said a lovely thing about loss: You don't stop loving the person, or missing them, but, over time, you make a special place in your heart for him, and carry him with you there.
You might want to suggest he find a self-help group for the bereaved. Talking to people who know exactly what he's going through, and helping them by listening to them, can be very theraputic.
Mostly, don't press.
If you push, he'll dig in and become firmer in what he feels now, rather than less so.
2007-12-20 13:05:22 · answer #2 · answered by tehabwa 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow this is a tough one. My dad died when I was 11 and I don't think anyone could have said any encouraging words at all. The most important thing right now is to be there for him. I know I wanted to be left alone but that it how I deal with tough issues. I guess the best way to encourage him not to lose site of his goals is to remind him that "Dad would have wanted you to...." Or that "Dad would have been proud of your decision to..." For me after 43 years I still think what would dad have thought of me doing this or that. I still miss him very much and your son's best friend will too. Just tell him that if he ever would like to visit with you about anything that you are there for him. I don't know what he is like but for me I didn't want anyone to push me into something by saying your dad would have wanted you to do this or that. It had to be he would have been proud of you for doing this or that. For your dad to die is like lossing a part of you. It hurts!! Sometime just the words " I'm sorry " can mean a lot!
2007-12-20 11:37:21 · answer #3 · answered by ask_youwillreceive 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I lost my mom when I was a teen...just before senior year.
I lost a sense of direction, self and worth as well. Friends acted as if losing a parent was "contagious".
I watched as a nephew lost his dad suddenly...just before his senior year.
What you can do..if you are truly going to do it. Is invite him and his family over for dinners. Keep in contact with the mom to make sure she is okay. Assuming the family was intact..she will probably be a bit distracted right now..and college won't be the priority on her list either.
If he is already enrolled in school for the summer..contact the counselor..and tell them your concerns.
But the best thing you can do is not say "if you need me, I'm there" it is to just shut up and actually "be" there.
Let him talk about his dad if he wants. Let him scream. Get a bag of apples and go down to the park and throw them at the trees together. Call a gym and see if he can sign up for kickboxing...some physical outlet will be helpful.
Damn...I'm gonna cry....I'm sorry for your son...and the pain his friend is in.
2007-12-20 11:40:07 · answer #4 · answered by foxinsox 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow, this is so tough, he is the same age as my son. I think right now, just tell him how sorry you are. Look in his eyes and be sincere, but that's it. He is probably in a daze now and talking about college and his future would just be insensitive. On the other hand, be a presence of support in his life when he comes to your home and spends time with your son. Watch his cycle of grief and support him at whatever stage he is in instead of trying to push him on to the final stage of acceptance and moving on with one's life. That will come, and when it does, then you can give him the words of encouragement you are feeling in your heart right now. Anytime before that could cause anger; you could lose all credibility with this young man and your ability to influence him. Read up on the stages of grief, and you will know the right times to say the right things
2007-12-20 11:37:04 · answer #5 · answered by Virginia 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Simply this "I am so sorry that this happened. I know this must be really hard for you. If you need to talk, need anything, I am here to support you." Don't say anything that implies you are taking away the gravity of the situation, let him know that he can feel really strong emotions, and that it is okay for him to let them loose around you and your family. I would not mention the goals right now, he needs time to accept and move through the stages of grief. Once acceptance hits, he might be more open to hearing about his goals. A counselor might help him...you could suggest it to his mom.
2007-12-20 11:32:02 · answer #6 · answered by Jules, E, and Liam :) 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You have to speak from the heart...no pun intended on that. Just tell him that your sorry for his loss and you are there for him if he needs a friend to talk to. This is a difficult time in his life right now. He just lost his dad and is soon to be graduating. I can understand your concern about his future goals and dreams. Just keep an open line of communication with him. Is his mother still around? Maybe ask her if there is anything you can do. I'm so sorry to hear this... I lost my dad at 14 and our family just let it go. I wish I would have gone to grief counseling at that time. Good luck to you and I wish you the best.
2007-12-20 11:31:53 · answer #7 · answered by Nikki 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Tell him you are sorry for his loss and if he would like to talk you are available. Share good memories of his father if you have any. Remind him how proud his father would be of his accomplishments. Unfortunately there is really nothing you can say to make his pain go away. Just letting him know you are there for him and thinking of him would be the best thing you could do.
2007-12-20 11:34:25 · answer #8 · answered by Pam H 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When I lost my father to a heart attack, there was nothing anyone could say to me, to make it hurt any less. The only thing that you can really do, is just to let him know that you are there for him, if he needs to talk, or a shoulder to cry on!
2007-12-20 11:35:59 · answer #9 · answered by Chihuahua Addict Adores Scooby 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There's really not much you can say to him.
A father's loss is such a heartbreak and it'll
take awhile to heal. What you should do is
try to make him feel better and ask him if
there's anything you can do for him. Tell him
that no matter what your son and yourself
are always there for him if he ever needs anything
or just anybody to talk to.
Good Luck.
Hope this helps
2007-12-20 11:33:07 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋