Those who have been cheated on!!!!!Plz! Help!!HOW do I get past the anger and the desire to........?

Question

hurt him. Not to mention the Hurt & Pain.
My husband had an affair
BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Long story short I agreed to try & work things out but it seems almost impossible to get past the hurt, pain and anger!
A part of me wants to do something to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
All things aside I Love This Man with all my heart that and the fact that we have 2.5 kids is the only reason I want to work things out. (I'm 8 months pregnant by the way)
1.But how do I get past the ANGER of him lying, cheating, and stepping outside of our marriage?
2. How to I get past the hurt & pain he's caused me?
3. How do I get past this desire to hurt him BAD!!
4. How if at all possible do I start to trust him again?
I Love Him Dearly But I haven't been In Love With Him for about a year and a half.
PLEASE RESPOND WITH CONSIDERATE ANSWERS My hormones & Anger are raging out of control and all I keep thinking about is putting him and her 6 feet under.
Thanks in Advance!
from:DANGEROUSLY UPSET!!

I stopped being in love with him 1.5yrs ago because I knew something was going on. Yes I still love him because everything was great before this. And he says I'm a good women, wife, and mother, He just wasn't thinking. The fact that it started a little more than 1.5yrs ago and he finally came out & told me 5 days ago is what makes me sooo angry.
On top of the fact that he says nothing was wrong in our marriage he just wasn't THINKING????? And trust me I'm not staying just for the my kids.

Answer 1

Know exactly how you feel. One thing that popped out at me when ready your situation was the statement ' I love him dearly, but have not been in love with him for a year and a half'. Two questions arrive from this statement: #1 - Was the affair 1.5 years ago? or #2 - Did you just find out about the affair?
To put this past you, you must forgive - that is GIVING of yourself as you did beFORE the affair. No one is asking you to forget it; you will never be able to do this. You are dwelling on this one incident in your life and reliving it so as long as you do so, you will feel the pain of it all. You are also playing the victim. Look, you did nothing wrong; so why continue to dwell on something that causes such unhappiness to you. It is in the past; it is over and no matter what you or he may want; it happened and cannot be erased.
I forgave him when I decided to remain in the marriage, but, I refused to trust him until he showed me he could again be trusted. You can't continue to throw this in his face; he can't change what he did even if he wanted to do so and bet he does.
You are afraid of being vulnerable to the hurt again and all it is doing for you is to remain in the hurt and blame and to play the victim. Let it go - I finally said - Hey God and the universe, take this pain and give me the strength to get over it. I take each day at a time and dwell on the moment and how we interact each day; not what occurred yesterday.
It is up to you and you only if you can let it go. Again, I suggest looking at 2 websites; many, many are having the same problem as you; they can give you some insight.

Answer 2

why do we always get hurt when pregnant? I found out my husband cheated on me when I was pregnant two yrs ago! I felt hopeless because I was huge and I felt ugly. Now my son is two yrs old. I got through the beginning steps of what you are describing by being patient. It was hard trust me, but time can and will be the only thing that will tell. Two yrs later I am with my husband still, but this time I have lost most of my pregnancy weight and I am physically fit. I work out and always try to look my best. The funny thing now is that my husband is getting jealous and even cries so that I don't go out. I just laugh because I am here also for my kids and the fact that they love their dad! Now he is worried that I will get even and eventually with the right man who knows I might!

Answer 3

After reading some of the other posts, I'm really surprised at the amount of people that stayed with their spouse after multiple affairs. But if you allow another person to treat you like a doormat, then they will.

My marriage was already on the rocks when my ex cheated, so the divorce was eminent.

And I see something similar in yours........you stated you were no longer in love with him. And maybe he feels the same way too.

Don't stay in a marriage with someone you longer love.
Don't stay in a marriage because of the kids.
Unless you two go into marriage counseling and both WANT the marriage to work, it won't.
So maybe you two need to sit down, have a heart to heart and discuss whether you really want to stay together.

Answer 4

Firstly,consider would the fact that you stopped loving him more than a year ago lead him into the arms of another loving relationship?
He would hardly leave if it was so wonderful at home.

Secondly,you need to stop feeling the anger as much as to put them both 6" under for your unborn as well as the children you already have,as it will do them no good to see you so angry and upset,especially toward their dad.

Thirdly,You should never stay together for the sake of the children,as being in such a horrid relationship can and will effect the children worse than splitting up and reasonably sorting out access for them to see their dad.

Lastly,you can agree to try and work things out,and you can forgive,but you will never forget what has happened to you,and staying together you will only make each others life hell,and you will never trust him in anything he does.

You can decide to stay and live a hard life or leave and live a hard life,either-way you choose,its worth thinking about what you want for you as-well as the children too.

Answer 5

Smart woman. You seem to have done well with this so far so unfortunately you'll have to keep doing the same. Wanting to give someone a taste of their own medicine is normal but accomplishes nothing. Besides...lets say you're like some of the dimwits here who think going out and getting laid by a 'friend' or total stranger makes them feel better only lowers yourself to the level of your unfaithful spouse.
Keep collected. You've got kids to deal with and another on the way so needless to say the time you would ordinarily have to mull this over is dominated by childcare. You have to keep telling yourself that you're better then he and have impeccable self control and morals.
In the meantime being icy cool to him makes life miserable for him. So I'd be civil...but thats about it. I can say that this certainally will be a Christmas to remember for both of you.

Hopefully he'll pull his head out of his posterior and work extra hard to get back into your good graces and make amends as best one can after an experience like this. If he insists on carrying on and screwing around...and you find out....then get rid of him....take him for everything he's got...and then don't look to screw him over at ever turn with things like visitation. Be reasonable but other than the kids, have nothing further to do with him and live to find the ideal person for you.


Good luck and hope its a healthy child.

Answer 6

Been there, done that, got the at-shirt. The best advise I can give is find someone to talk to (therapist, pastor). Some one who can help you sort through the emotions. Believe it or not time also helps. I know couples who have gone through the same thing and now have a wonderful marriage. Trust will have to be gained again and that will take time on your part and patience on spouses part. If you really love him, remember that by hurting him you will hurt also.

Answer 7

I'm actually writing a ebook on dealing with relationships, breakups, cheating, etc. Here's a excerpt from it on cheating,

"Cheating blows, if you've been through it you know this. I know firsthand how it feels. A girl that I was in a long term relationship cheated on me 6 times. The first time she did it she told me her ex raped her. which ended up that it wasn't and she told me it was consensual. She ended up boning 6 other guys other than me. I was angry for a long time after we broke up, but when I think of it, this ties closely to people making decisions on emotion not logic. She FELT she had to do this, she didn't use her logic to tell her it was wrong because to her she was right. I'm not even really all that mad anymore about it. Its big of me to say that, but why should I be mad when in her mind it was the right thing? She was a whore, case closed. Move on."


So in other words, if he cheated then he made the EMOTIONAL Decision to do so. You can tell him how wrong it was of him till your face turns blue but it won't do anything unless he FEELS it emotionally. Don't be upset at him. I know it seems easier said than done but look at it like this: To him, in his mind, his feelings led him to do it. We can't be mad at something that is naturally psychological. Just move on with your life. Don't dwell in the past, look towards the future. Hope this helps

Answer 8

You will never copmpletely trust him again, never!
Whether you leave him or stay with him you will always ask yourself and wonder if you did the right thing! That is the price of an affair!
The good news (if there is any) is that now you know what his true behavior is. Your choice: Do you live with his behavior (the odds are 90% that it will happen again) or do you leave because you will not live with this behavior. Those are your only choices! Any kind of payback attempt will only hurt you more!

Answer 9

Well, there is no easy way to deal with the anger and pain of what happened to you, the only cure for that will be time and patience (both of which you will probably have less of as you add a 3rd kid into the mix and deal with these issues).

I have been in your shoes in my relationship with my wife so I know how you feel. I will pose to you the same questions I had to ask of myself in an attempt to answer how I can go forward with a woman I love after this pain.

1. Do you still love him and do you still want to be with him?
2. Does he still love you and want to be with you?

These are the two most obvious questions that you have to deal with. Having your 2.5 (or 2.9 by the sounds of it:) ) kids obviously adds something to the table as well.

Assuming you decide that you WANT to stay, then you need to ask yourself the following:

1. Are you willing to work on this relationship? Yes. He cheated. Yes. He did this huge horrible thing that has hurt you dearly. However, the relationship faltered for more than just his straying. Yes he maybe lead with his little head, but you have been pulling away from him for a year and a half, things were wrong here before/during/after his affair. Are you willing to work on a better relationship with him and give him some things HE needs to bring the two of you closer together?

2. Do you believe him when he says it is over and that he wants to be with you. Yes there are jealousy and trust issues here that the two of you need to work on, but at the base of it do you believe that if you rebuild the relationship he will be faithful.

3. Is he being open and honest about the affair? One condition I gave my wife when we started working on our relationship is that she had to tell me everything and anything I wanted to know about everything that had happened. No sugar coating, no white lies, the cruel and honest truth. I asked things I probably wish I didn't know, but she answered anything I asked of her (I believe) truthfully.

This will take a long time to "put behind you" and it will not be easy to do. The hardest part here is that for it to REALLY work and for you to really get to where you want to be, this time can't be about "punishment". Yes, I yelled at my wife, called her things that I wouldn't be able to repeat here and I even went out with a girl she new liked me and left her at home to mope and wonder in one of my less proud moments.

However, our focus during that period was what we could do together to make our relationship better. I did things for her I hadn't been doing and vice versa. Yes I had doubts that I "should" be doing this or that I was "rewarding" her behavior, but what we ended up with was a stronger relationship and one that we can both be truly happy with.

So yes, you will probably extract your 2 llbs of flesh, but if you want to love your husband again, if you want a relationship that gives you what you need, you will allow yourself to do what seems impossible. Make the relationship better for the both of you and not just punishment. Because when the punishment is over you will feel no more secure in your relationship than you do now, but if you work on your relationship you can reach heights higher than where you were before this ever happened.

Good luck, this is a brutal thing to have to go through during the holidays and at the end of your pregnancy. Please feel free to shoot me an email if you just want to vent or whatever. You are stronger than what he did, and this can work out.

Answer 10

Welcome to the Club. My husband and I were together for forty years... and he never did learn to keep himself from cheating. I had a lot of counseling which taught me to prioritize; and had to answer a hard question.... was the love we had enough to make up for the pain and lack of trust? For me...the answer was yes. What we had together was a lot more important than his overwhelming urge to get laid every day. He agreed to using safe sex...and not to kiss and tell. He was always careful NOT to rub it in my face and I never had to deal with the other women... it helped that there was NO doubt in my mind that he loved me best. Good luck to you all!