Am I the only one who thinks divorce is wrong?

Question

I'm America but moved here in the Philippines years ago when I retired from being an airline pilot. I moved here because I liked how families are raised here and the good moral conduct of its people. I didn't want my kids to grow up back in the States.

I have a friend here who's a psychiatrist and I'm surprised that he's saved almost 100 marriages in his career. Although there's no divorce here, there is annulment and separation however. And he's managed to save that much marriages. And a lot of those cases are so "extreme" that if it happened in the states it's sure to lead to a divorce in just minutes.

He told me that he believes that any marriage can be fixed with proper education and will. And after seeing all those cases he's fixed, I'm starting to think about all those marriages back in america that end up in divorce is a waste because it could've been prevented and fixed.

What do you think?

Here's a brief example of a family he saved:

Husband = drug addict, wife beater, shoots at ceiling with his handgun when drunk/high and his children's bedroom is just above that ceiling and the bullets actually hit the kid's bed, sleeps with his handgun locked and loaded and pointed to his wife's head

Basically the wife wanted an annulment to save her life and her children's. But my friend suggested that he tries to fix it first and exhaust all means before going through with the divorce. Long story short, the guy was arrested, placed into rehab, kids were treated for depression, and after around 4 years of hard work the family ended ok. that was 5 years ago and they're still together until now, his kids are now doing pretty well in their careers.

@free: I was expecting a response like that. But it's ok, when I first met him I didn't believe it myself. But trust me he's not lying. Because if he was, then his office right now wouldn't be so full of christmas presents from his happy clients hehehe.

@tiuliucci: Good question. Of course I can't go into the full details of the case however I can tell you that it took less than 10 years of therapy for both the father and the children. The children's case was a sad one at first, because during that time before things were fixed, they went into a depression as they felt that they "would be dead from their father's bullets when the morning comes".

@elvlayarvvi: You've raised a good question there. I also asked myself and my friend about that too. Although we haven't talked much about the topic of "cheating", however he did fix a family where the wife was cheating on her husband AND brings her lover right there in their household AND teaches her children to respect her lover as their father and not her husband.

Answer 1

Your example sounds ok, but there is not nearly enough detail. Usually in these cases the woman has learned to accept the physical abuse as a part of her life.

The guy might be in better shape, but has he put the gun away? Has he really stopped the abuse? The only time that the abuse ever stops is with intense psychiatric therapy. There is no way that an arrest and rehab will stop this guy from abusing his wife and children.

The children might be doing fine in their careers, but emotionally they are deeply scarred and will likely enter into bad marriages themselves.

There are some marriages not worth fixing. Abuse cases and cheating cases are not meant for fixing. Both involve one partner having a total lack of respect for the other partner. Respect is extremely important in a relationship and if it does not exist then neither does the relationship.

The bigger picture here is why people enter into marriage in the first place. Most bad marriages are between two people who do not really know each other. A good marriage is based upon two best friends who trust, respect and love each other. If people entered marriage on that basis then there would be a drastic reduction in the divorce rates.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 2

While I believe divorce is a bad thing in general, there are times when it is the best thing to do. No one should have to stay in a marriage when adultery is involved, or physical and mental abuse of spouse or children. And if someone has a substance abuse problem and refuses treatment. People often marry for the wrong reasons, and since many of them have never had to live up to any other commitment, they don't see why they should live up to this one either. When my husband and I married, we agreed that divorce was not an option. We did not have substance abuse problems and neither one of us was a player or abuser. We figured we could work out any other problems we might have, and we were right. He died of cancer 10 years ago, and I still miss him, but he left me with a LOT of very happy memories.

Answer 3

While there are exceptions, I think at least half that do end up in divorce should never have been married in the first place. My buddy who was getting married voiced his concerns to the pastor and was told, "You're just having cold feet". It's just gotten too easy to file for divorce, fill out some papers and pay a couple hundred bucks.

I still think there are many valid cases where divorce is the only option, but many of them could have been avoided in the first place.

Answer 4

there is no wrong nor right when come to relationship.

I worked with PH people and find them very warm and life loving. I used to have a PH staff working in China alone for more than 5 years and still care for the family (he went back home once every 3 years!!).

I think it is the strong faith with GOD in this country that makes the difference.

divorce is the end of a relationship in legal aspect. the fact is the parent/child relationship, in family term aspect, did not end accordingly.

in US or even in most country that has a UK based legal system (especially woman chapter), guess it is the law which initially means good has evolved to a stage where over-protection of individual personal interest, mostly ignoring basic human nature, law has this negative impact on saving a broken marriage. to some extent, woman may even mis-use the take side bit of the law.. . . ...

life is short, and all are so busy fighting the wrong and the right, who cheats who, who beats who, who never take care of the family, etc

most of us are too busy chasing after all the material aspect of life and let go the mother nature kind of true love and meaning of life.

slow down, quiet down and one will find some peace and realise the meaning of life and the family/marriage aspect...

it always take 2 to clap. once personal interest comes first, all other including family/marriage will be down, hence resulting the divorce and more sad story.

Answer 5

divorce is wrong, hands down. and it's a pity how common it is in the u.s. - for a country that's progressive and less backward than other places, the common man sure doesn't do his part in mending broken households, troubled children etc. i guess some of it comes from the fact that americans stereotypically tend to be self-indulgent and independent (it's just the way the dominant culture expects you to be in order to get ahead - keeping in mind that america is synonymous with ambition, wealth, etc.) and this in turn reflects how their marriage life progresses. the introduction of nuclear families [man, wife, children] make it an even more impossible so - you no longer have to "stick together" for the betterment of the extended family. it's a shame that the divorce rate is higher than the marriage rate - just shows how the majority of people today are so unwilling to compromise: be it for their children or their own relationship.

Answer 6

I dont like divorces either but in some desperate cases it was the only answer. I agree with you whole heartedly that many of the marriages that are ending in divorce could be actually saved if the couples would have only fought back to save it from the balls of hell, but in our society today especially with TV soapoperas,couples choose the easy way out without all the hassle. If only these people would choose to believe in themselves, God and there are always ways to save a flailing marriage. Im impressed by your friends success rate and only wish there were more like him to help, but maybe someday we wll all understand what Christmas is really about. Thanks again and Happy Holidays

Answer 7

i didn't read all of that but i think married-ppl here in America think of divorce as a 1st solution...and they say it's better for both of us...what about the children no one can raise a child by him/her self to be a completly 100% normal child...a child needs both of his parents there for him and replacing that parent with another one will never be the same .... and keeping the place empty will affect him emotionly and may be scare his life for ever..
but if two ppl can't handle each other anymore they shouldn't live miserbly ever after just for the kids... they should try everything "literary" then divorce is a last method they should consider.....

Answer 8

I agree with you in principle. However, there are some cases when a divorce is absolutely necessary, such as physical abuse.

Your friend/psychiatrist should lose his license. You used an example of EXTREME physical violence with drug use. The woman and her children could have been killed while he tried to "fix things". Sounds like a moron to me.

P.S. you really moved to the Philippines because you can live like a king, right.

Answer 9

Agreed-parents divorced when i was 9 -now I'm 35 and when i asked my mom why she got the divorce it was because he had spent money from a job she had on food for us kids when she was in the hospital - she claims she had cooked lots of dinners and put in the fridge to re heat.-and also she lost the job and had to repay the money.
still i feel it could have been worked out differently.

Answer 10

Marriage is not a glorified form of dating. It is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. Some things are unforgivable, though, like pedophilia and infidelity.
I knew a woman who claimed to be a "sex" addict, and her husband loved her enough to stay with her in spite of the fact she had been with several men (and I do mean several) during their marriage.
I was shocked he took her back, but he did. They started going to church, and she started going to counseling, and last I heard, they were doing very well. I'm not sure I could handlle taking someone back after all that, but he found it in himself to love her enough. So, you just never know.