Seniors: Do you think this is selfish?

Question

My daughter just finished a two year degree and got married. When I co signed for a $4,000.00 school loan and then a 16.000.00 car loan for my daughter. once she was engaged, and was by both my daughter and son-in-law to be, assured that both would be out of my name once they were married. Now that they are married, they say they can't because they had to by a condo. Then when they bought the condo, they had 10.000 dollars in the bank and they but 500.00 down on the condo and bought all new furniture and paid some bills and so they could not get a loan for the college 4000.00 fund or find a co-signer for the car in my and my daughter's name although they promised they would. I am dumbfounded...why would they do this to me knowing that I am on a fixed income and need to get an equity loan for my home and can't get a decent % rate with 20,000 hanging over my head.

Johsua's Darma: My daughter has complex partial absence seizures which are very SCARY so that is why I agreed to the co borrower deal with the faith that they would take it over in a year. But then again you are not a SENIOR are you????

TCBG: you may be right, but I can tell you she won't see me again if she pulls this one. I am capable of moving on and I will.

I am devastated emotionally as much as I am hurt that she would leave me in a position where I can't get a decent equity rate. They will make the payments but they have left me in a bad position and could not co-sign even if they wanted to! Wally had a good point I do think he runs the show.

Typical! What a great idea!

Slk: Great Idea and I think I will see a Lawyer friend and see if I can do anything to get out of this. I like Wally's idea but only as last resort.

Abuelama: She is married to a young man who is from a Latino family. Their culture is different than ours. His mom has been trying to get him to buy their old home that has been on the market for a couple of years and is now in foreclosure. (they bought another they live in). He was going to do it but I guess the bank didn't like the idea them being family and his parents ending up in foreclosure. So they bought the condo instead. So nobody in that family can co-sing for anything!!

Answer 1

Selfish, yes. It sounds as if you are being taken advantage of. I think it's time you put your foot down, you've been more than patient with them.

Answer 2

When I want to strangle my kids I close my eyes and remember them as infants in my arms.
Honest, I have six children and I do believe they care but just do not get it. We stop signing for things for are children after the first two. It worked out but the stress was to much. Understanding credit scores and all that takes a while for some to understand. What is important to one person my not be to another. My husband and I have two completely different ways of handling are finances. Then you get one of our children and their spouse in to are money pot, what a mess.
Am not sure she can get you off the loans. Maybe she can refinance the whole amount you cosigned for. She may have to pay a higher rate but she has all the nice new furniture to come home too and her new sexy husband to share a bowl of macaroni and cheese with her. We want to help our children but remember this and do not do this again......

Not sure if this would work for your family but this is what I would do.
I would take both with me to discuss the eguilty loan with the loan office so they undersand what is going on.
Come up with a few ideas how this can work out and invite them over for a family day and ask to have a little family talk after a good meal. First ask them if they have any ideas. Then retell them how you need to get an equity loan.Then tell them the ideas you have to get you off the loans. Maybe his parnets can cosign for them......If it is a must that you have to get that equilty loan you can always refinance it in a few years.......Be patient which is hard when it comes to our financials she is your baby girl......Maybe nothing I said helped you but I want you to know.... I care you are going through this and I too have been through this with my children. You will survie

Answer 3

Unfortunately because they are our children we think they will pay us back but more often than not they don't. We also gave our eldest daughter a lot of money when she had her first son. It was on the understanding that all the money was a loan and that she and her boyfriend, who was working, would pay us back a percentage of the money...this was 8 yrs ago and we are still waiting!! Even when she sold all the items she bought she did not give us any of the money back. Yes, it was for our first grandchild but we were not in a position to be able to save that amount of money again very easily. We'd saved up to have our garden done and needed household items. She knew we were also on a fixed income and that that kind of money was hard to come by.
It's a bit late now but for that amount of money you should have had some form of written agreement that was signed independantly with a witness signature. It would have made your arrangement more legal with it being in writing.
You need to get tough with this as it is a vast amount of money. If you don't have anything in writing about the agreement to pay it back then you will probably have to prove that it wasn't a gift. You may end up with putting this down to experience and not lending money to her again. xx

Answer 4

PLEASE know I mean no offense nor disrespect but I learned early - I co-sign NO ONE....did it once, got bitten.

School loans I do not expect to be repaid...even other money I expended when my children were still single and on their own.

But after marriage...??? NO Way!

Yes, I bankrolled for a short time both my daughters when their marriages ended and both got on their own two feet within 2-3 months and in recent years have helped ME considerably as they now make more than I.

A wise person once said, do not LEND money you do cannot reasonably expect to get back...and do not lend money to family. Make it a gift and SHOULD they repay it...what a blessing.

Answer 5

If she is your daughter, rasised by you, taught by you, the difference between right and wrong, I for one do not believe it is her fault. I think it is her husbands fault. I think he sees dreams of dollars dripping from the sky and figures they can pay a little back at a time and hope you pass on before they have to pay more. It sounds like a guy thing anyway, I have a younger brother like that. Guy could sell ice machines to the Inuit and make them believe they need those items. But when it comes to paying back family, it is what I never agreed to pay you back. Just share your living space, eat your food, use your electricity, use your car, etc.,etc.. I don't think this is your daughter. She is young and in love and I think it is the boyfriend/husband's idea that they can get away with not paying you back. Even though it is a painful decision to make I would file charges against them, him especially for elder abuse. That way they will have to put on hold the condo buy and pay you back first. Just my opinion, each person has to make up her/his own mind.

Answer 6

My husband cosigned for his daughter 2 years ago on a car loan and then proceeded to let him make the payments. she did not even try to make one. Then the car broke down and he had to help repair it and then she gave it to her brother when it wasn't paid for yet and he traded it off. Which should have been illegal with a loan on it. He got cash to boot on the deal and the dealer did repairs on it again for about 700 and then hubby had to go straighten out the whole deal and pay back the money and for the repairs to get the car back and resell it. To top it all off it still was not fixed right and he could only get 1100 for it so he lost over 6000 bucks. Last time we ever cosign for either of his kids. And to this day over 2 years later neither one has paid him back one red cent. grrrr

Answer 7

I am so sorry that your daughter did this to you.
I would never even think of doing this to my Mom.
I have two sisters and a brother and we have all gone to university. We got our own loans and scholarships to go to school.
The most logical thing she could have done was hold off on the condo and take care of her loans. She is a married woman and should be more responsible. It would not have killed her to rent an apartment with her husband for a year so that they could pay off debts and start saving for a house.
What you did was such a nice gesture.
I believe you deserve more respect.

Answer 8

in their minds they do not think they are selfish == most of the you younger crowd do not even know the meaning of the word -- but yes they are!!!

i am assuming the both them are working i would call a family conference and tell them you need to get an equity loan and you have talked to the bank and you will get a much better rate if they come on board as co signers -- it they are going to go tor a little piece of pig they might as well go whole hog!! just make sure you give us fair worrying == i can heard them yelling like a stuck pig all the way to illinois!!!

in fairness to them they just could not go in and remove your name off of the notes until they came up with the money to pay notes off in full!!!

added info - i have found in my short span in q/a personal financial and what i have learned over the years most of the young crowd think that anyone over 50 has their act together and are financial secure!!!

Answer 9

Yes it is selfish. At our age we know furniture can wait. We know how to live within our means. These young people want everything pretty and nice and NOW.
I'll be praying you are not stuck with this debt. I have to admit I have one 25 yr. old daughter who is selfish this same way. Wish I had more concrete ways to help you get out from under the debt wihtout losing a relationship w/daughter but at this moment I can't think of a thing beneficial for you.

Answer 10

Oh dear mom...what won't we do for our precious kids, huh? Yes, of course this was a very selfish act on their part. I can understand the condo purchase, only $500 down, but filling it with silly furniture before paying you off was big time inconsideration!!! I'd tell them calmly and firmly without causing WW III that they had a responsibility to pay you off FIIRST before proceeding with ANY of those purchases. I'd tell them they owed you first but obviously that they felt you were last on their list of responsibilities in heart, mind, and financial affairs. You were good and trusting enough to loan it to them (or her) when they needed it and the loaner of last resort as they could not secure it otherwise. Personnally I'd be even more hurt and offended by that inconsideration than their negligence and refusal to pay their financial obligation to you. It is such abig time slap in the face and I can understand the way you feel. Don't make any changes in your life till you have stated your case to both of them. If they don't start paying you back after that...then they have burned the most important bridge in thier lives. I suspect HE has more influence of her in this matter. She must get it through HIS thick selfish head that you are the first and most important person/friend/mom in her life. Would he do this to his mother? I think so. If I am right, and I believe I am...your daughter has big problems on her hands now and for the future and she'll need you desperately before all this is over and done with this manipulative and cagey man. I'd tell her that too...because it is the truth. Say your peace, and be very coooool toward both of them till they pay up and decide to make amends. My own mother had 6 kids and 5 real disappointments...and like most moms...she did the best she could. Even after leaving much money to all in her will...they never appreciated her but all went out and bought expensive cars, expensive vacations, etc. She did without so much to provide for them...but did they appreciate it? No, and she would have been appauled at the waste or their purchases ...none of which was an investment for their future.
Lastly, we can only hope our children will grow up to be someone we like...unfortunately some of them you can't. They make their choice. Let them live with it. After all they have put you at RISK in trying to help them! Shame on both of them. Remember mom...no good deed goes unpunished. I wish you well...but you are not alone. God Bless.

Answer 11

Don't blame the husband. You daughter is the one who owes you the money...she is being selfish.

Take the ingrate to small claims court; get your 4000.00 back and have your name removed from the car.