Frozen
Fall withers away with every flake,
Taking the biggest step anything could take,
Coming down bit by bit,
Falls immortality shatters with the new ice,
Soon white fluff shall cover the ground,
Their parka fur around their necks,
Bouncing with the beat,
Kids will run round,
Begging for some other sound,
But the icy unbearable wind of winter,
As snow fills up so much of the sky,
You can no longer see the dipper.
The temperature drops,
So do the happy faces of the children,
Whose faces are now white instead of pink,
Their bodies sprinkle the ground galore,
In little groups of three or four,
None of which are ever found,
Till the day the mercy for the kids,
Made the wind stop all its sound,
And it mourned for them and for all in the town,
Suddenly saddened faces of all the small ones,
Seemed to be at peace,
Never feeling anymore grief.
2007-12-19 17:50:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I don't know how to put this on a scale and measure it. I read it twice, so the rhythm would sink in. You have a cool free-form style in this one.
The story builds nicely, then kinda' splinters at the end. You don't know if the kids are dead or just pissed off because they can't run around in their underwear. Still, I like it very much. TD
2007-12-20 00:55:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, you are relying upon INTERPRETATION.
"The temperature drops,
So do the happy faces of the children,
Whose faces are now white instead of pink.
Their bodies sprinkle the ground galore,
In little groups of three or four,
None of which are ever found."
and
"Till the day the mercy for the kids,
Made the wind stop all its sound,
And it mourned for them and for all in the town,
Suddenly saddened faces of all the small ones,
Seemed to be at peace,
Never feeling anymore grief."
Implies a Mass Death's by Accident in Adverse Weather Conditions.
The brief mention of "Made the wind stop all its sound,
And it mourned for them and for all in the town."
"mourned for them and for all in the town." Indicates that either the town had, had the population annihilated by certain weather conditions or the entirity of the town had, had lost some small relative.
So it leaves to many possible implications, so unless you knew the circumstances referred to. You couldn't be sure of, what matter was being discussed.
35%
2007-12-20 02:24:12 · answer #2 · answered by Trent 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm confused about the point you're trying to make. First you say fall "withers," then you speak of its "immortality." This type of contrast goes on all through the poem, children happy then suddenly saddened for no reason given in your poem, then they're at peace again. And what does "ground galore," mean? This poem needs a bit of work.
2007-12-20 08:07:59 · answer #3 · answered by Elaine P...is for Poetry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think there's a contradiction in saying it comes down bit by bit and it's the biggest step anything could take. Either it's slow or it's sudden. Also, it seems to jump back and forth between subjects ... weather ... kids .. weather ... kids ... but nothing really ties the two subjects together. 30.
2007-12-20 02:04:24 · answer #4 · answered by Ronnie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
20/100. Needs a lot of work.
2007-12-20 08:29:39 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
70/100
you need to make it have a glooming seen
2007-12-20 02:00:15 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good, it's colourful, full of metaphor and has rhythm.
2007-12-20 02:13:38 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋