my poem? "in my head"?

Question

tears run,
down in streams,
across my face,
and in my dreams.

fear is held in every drop,
rolling down,
it doesnt stop,

its okay,
it is fine,
in my mind,
it passes time

youll never find,
this rivers mouth,
water never flowed,
in my lifes drought.



on the last 4 lines i cant seem to make what im trying to say work.... some help there please? and opinions about it.

Answer 1

I like S-4, it has a pretty mouth...HA!

You have really good poetic skills. This piece just trickles of the tongue, even S-4.

TD

Answer 2

I quite like it - it is straight to the point.

It has a beat and tells a story.

To me it says that although tears run, fall and never stop, it is just the outside visible sign of your heart break.

Then on the inside, your self talk is saying that its is all right, it is fine, it passes time.

As you say the last four lines need work but too much of a change may alter your original meaning.

My suggestion is that you change water to it as in

you'll never find,
this rivers mouth,
it never flowed,
in my life's drought.

To me, this seems to keep the rhythm and beat and keeps the secret of where the tears came from and why.

Hope this helped a little.

Answer 3

Makes the reader wonder what has brought on these fears, and why are they OK in your mind?

Very unusual ending

Could use:

"But" you will never find
"That" this river's mouth water flowed in my life's drought.

You have put:

youll never find,
this rivers mouth,
water never flowed,
in my lifes drought

That implies it did flow.

Alternatively you could try:

This river mouth's water never flowed in my life's drought.

Good poem all in all.

But regarding my own use of grammar never quite know should it be spelled:

"life's" drought

or "lifes" drought

Also use: you'll rather than youll

I know that using computer keyboard it is easy to make mistakes in grammar.

Answer 4

you'll never find what brought on the fears and tears.
the person that caused it didn't have any tears just caused u to have by their vulgarity , and intoxicating verbal abuse and a life without you...
does this have to do with the notebook?one of the answers talked about pain and its beauty and all mine. did that come from a movie or is it your own words..;;i only seen movie once so don't remember but thought maybe i heard that before from that movie. i could be wrong?

Answer 5

this river's mouth,
you'll never find,
this drowning fear,
is all that's mine...

struggling to breathe,
through life's drought,
how much longer,
til life runs out?

---- I find it quite beautiful. Makes me think of cherishing the pain when the drought of life has made you numb. To accept the hurt and see its beauty and know that it is yours.

Answer 6

I like the image "life's drought." One suggestion, if you're going to write in quatrains (4 lines per stanza) all the stanzas should have four verses.

Answer 7

upon my drought ...