If your spouse has bad holiday memories from childhood, how can you get them excited about holidays with you?

Question

My hubby has a dysfunctional family of origin and holidays were always awkward and uncomfy for all. Plus, his mom was always bossing everyone around during the holidays, so he kind of takes a back seat to plans and events, and his idea of a holiday is plopping himself in front of the tv.

I love celebrating the holidays and would like my family to have fun xmas traditions and celebrations. I can't figure out how to get my hubby to join in. I've asked him what he'd like to do for the holidays, or if there are any traditions he'd like to implement, and he just shrugs his shoulders and says he can't think of anything.
I'm thinking it's because he associates holiday celebrations as something to avoid. How can I encourage him to get involved in the holiday cheer?

Answer 1

You have to show him how fun and exciting holidays can be. He has bad memories, so this holiday season show him a bunch of good times so he will have good memories for the next holidays to come!
Sit him down and let him know how important celebration of the holidays is to you and that you would appreciate it if, although he's been through bad times during holidays, he could put that aside and make room for new and better memories.

Answer 2

There are many people who have this issue and it is not easy to kick. baby steps....remember that! Bake a pie, some cookies, and while doing that turn on the christmas music. Smile alot. Do not get discouraged if he doesnt respond. Next day, do some decorating, prepare something else, turn on the christmas music, smile all the time. He may or may not respond. He might poke his head into the kitchen to see what is going on, that is a good step. The music is important and make sure that you are calm, happy, and cheerful, since his mom was so bossy. Clean the house with the music on wear a christmas hat around smile and act cheerful. You will see some improvement. Christmas morning, Coffee, gingertoast, and some cookies with the christmas music. a little improvement is better than none !

Answer 3

Many people have trouble with certain events. The important thing to remember is that his "reality" is that Christmas is something to be endured instead of enjoyed. Please remember not to judge; you have issues too (as do we all). Try not to make a big deal out of it and it will become less of an issue on it's own. When the holiday time comes around, don't ask him to put up decorations or help decorate a tree - it's like picking a scab (gross analogy, I know but it gets the point across). Instead, just do it yourself. You might get lonely doing this for a couple of years, but if he sees you genuinely enjoying the holidays he might decide that its time to start a new family tradition and join in. If he doesn't, don't sweat it. Even those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families, tend to lose our a**h*l* tendancies after awhile. If that's the worst of his issues, you have a winner on your hands. :-) Good luck.

Answer 4

like another said, do it by baby steps.

maybe make an annual tradition around the holidays that he really likes. for instance, if he likes sports, every year go to a game with him.
if he likes movies, find some with christmas references and watch them with him.
if he doesn't like the traditional christmas carols, but likes another particular style of music, get a holiday cd of that style (country, rock, jazz, etc)
a friend of mine's parents used to have a lovely candlelit dinner with each other on christmas eve after the kids had gone to bed.

don't think of doing it all in one year. see how he responses to one thing at a time. then gradually add to it over the years.

Answer 5

It won't happen all at once. He needs a chance to build up good memories with you over the years. It won't erase the bad stuff that happened in his childhood, of which the holidays trigger memories.but as that gets farther in the past and hopefully the present is a lot better, the recent experiences may come to have a much bigger effect.

I think it is really important you try not to put too much pressure on him or yourself....don't expect him to act jolly or force him to a lot of organized family activities; on the other hand try to encourage him not to isolate himself.
You could always go off to do soemthing very different from his experience, like traveling somewhere exotic. I don't think that is essential though. Just make your own holiday in little ways. If you and he are Christian, focus on the religious aspect of ths time, like go to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. He may not feel like making up traditions himself but that doesn't stop you from creating your own traditions for your family... (it's usually the women in charge of that stuff anyway in most families :) .....and he may enjoy them and come to look forward to them- -partly because hopefully he likes seeing you be happy over something you enjoy. That's why it's important to try not to let this get you stressed out to where you feel under pressure to make a perfect holiday experience for him, and worry you're not living up to the idealized Christmas card version of what this time of year is "supposed" to be..that is likely to get you both down.
but the fact that you are sensitive to his feelings is going to be very helpful.

I don't know if you have or plan to have children, but often that makes a big difference in bringing the holiday focus to the present tense, by experiencing their excitement. (Not that I mean that you should have kids with the idea that THAT will give you a perfect holiday season either!) But if you like kids and don't have any, spend some time with nieces and nephews, friends' kids etc. during their school holidays.


Added: I really like some of the specific suggestions from GiveU2TicTacs and celticbuddha like the Christmas music from musical genre he likes - -there are lots of great collections - -and baking special things. Decorating the house is fun and helps to create traditions as you put up the same things each year. Like she said maybe go to a sports event....or you could do something sportif yourself like go ice skating etc.

. Some families have traditions of always doing something to give to others at the holidays, like serving dinner at a homeless shelter, helping with a drive for Christmas presents for poor kids, etc.

Answer 6

Just tell him he is a party Popper.He ruins the holiday mood and excitement.He needs to get over it and let it go.That is the only way for him to start healing his sole.Tell him it's time to let it go.Just because his mother ruined his holidays,it doesn't mean he should ruin his familes by being grumpy.

Answer 7

Get him a gift certificate for family counseling. It's not fair their issues are being dropped on you to spoil your holidays.

Answer 8

creats new simple but no pressure fun memories....