Domestic Abuse Question?

Question

My stepfather is abusive to my mother. Recently he threatened to kill my mother and even put a loaded shotgun to her head. In all the years that they have been together (23 years) he has been threatening to kill her over the past two.
I've tried everything in my power to help my mom, I've offered to have her stay with me, I've called the police, and I've paid for her to go to counseling, to no avail. I seriously don't know what I can possibly do to help her. I'm so afraid that my stepfather will kill her, but I'm afraid of calling the police on him again because he's extremely manipulative and will convince the police that there's no problem (he's done this in the past and they live in a small town where everyone knows everyone) and I'm afraid he'll beat my mother even worse for telling me about the abuse and "causing trouble." Or he may even come after me and my husband.
I'm at my wits end and don't think that there is anything I can do to help her...any advice would be welcomed.

He is physically and mentally abusive. I don't see the bruises anymore because I live out of state. Also she doesn't tell me about the abuse anymore because I yell at her for not leaving. Usually she calls my sister and my sister calls me all upset about it.

Answer 1

I am afraid my answer will sound grim, but it's the best advice I can think of in your situation.

Your mother is clearly so fearful of her husband that she dares not stand up to him. My mother was abused, as well, and so I have a very good understanding of the mental state of a battered woman. I doubt very much that anything you or your sister say to your mother will change her mind at this point, or cause her to leave, or seek a protective order from the court, or even call the police.

What I suggest is that your sister begin to record her conversations with your mother. Laws vary from state to state. In some states, both parties of a conversation must be aware that they are being recorded, but in others, only one needs to be aware. Since I doubt your mother would agree to being recorded, I think your sister should just go ahead and do it, and hope that it will serve its purpose later, if necessary. I also suggest she try and get photos of the physical injuries your mother sustains during beatings. Again, I know your mother may be resistant, and that may not work, but your sister can try.

I suggest all this so that you can gather evidence of the abuse in the event that he goes too far and your mother is unable to speak for herself. You cannot force her to get help, but you can gather as much evidence as possible so that if the worst should happen, there is a record of his abusiveness. I hate to say it, but I do fear greatly for your mother's safety. I wish there was some great thing I could tell you that would magically make your mother want to seek help, but it sounds like you have done as much as you can in that vein. Now it's just time to gather evidence and pray that the day never comes when you have to hand it over to the police because your mother is seriously injured or, God forbid, dead.

I wish I had something brighter and more helpful to offer, but it seems to me from your description that that's about where things stand. Start documenting, and pray that the day never comes when you are forced to use the documentation you have gathered.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

Well Jen, people don't end up on the back of milk cartons for nothing. Trust me - most are not mysteriously kidnapped - regardless of their age. So many missing people just made a plan and picked up and left situations like this. You really need to make a plan and disappear. He really needs help but you can't force a person to get it and he does sound very dangerous. I would make a plan for you and your husband and mom to disappear - that is move somewhere he'll never find out about with someone who he has no idea about. People do this all the time for their safety and security. But, if that is not an option then - your mother needs to separate from him and move in with you and she needs a restraining order to protect herself. You have to take action before this turns into another one of those horrid stories you hear on the news. Get a pit bull and/or a large majorly protective dog and make sure you have a security system on your home to where 911 can be alerted in case of emergency in an instant.

Answer 3

This is a tough one because you are not the one being abused. You are basically an outsider looking in and as such there really isn't a lot you can do except keep trying to convince you mother to take action herself. Until that happens even the law's hands are tied.
When she finally makes the decision then you can step in and give her a place to stay, help her find community resources to assist her and get a good lawyer.
Does he hit her and leave marks. If he does this and she contacts you, you could then contact the police, take pictures yourself of the marks, have them take pictures. Then they have to take action.
Your mother needs to get out, get a restraining order against him and learn to stand on her own two feet again. You are right one of these days she will be dead if she does not take action.
As far as restraining orders go you can get one for yourself and your family as you fear that he will cause harm to you. Then if he breaks the restraining order he will at least go to jail for a while. This might be a back door way to get him but if it works at least for a while then it would be worth it.
All I can say is be there for your mom, keep pushing as much as you can and let me know how things work out for you. You may write me if you want

Answer 4

I am sorry to say that there is nothing left for you to do. You have tried and she does not get it. She has to be the one to say enough is enough. You pretty much have to wait it out until she is ready for it to end. It might be a long wait and I am sure that it will be a stressful one. If she is telling you about this you need to use some tough love. Tell her what you think about it and that if she chooses to stay and live that way you do not want the details because it stresses you. If you tell her this do not listen to any of the details. It will be hard to do but you must. When she has to deal with this alone she might realize how big the problem is. Good luck.

Answer 5

This is a complicated situation. More details are needed. Is it physical or mental abuse, or both? If physical, does she have bruises?...

Very vicious cycle, this. Abused women will often stay w/ their abuser out of"love" for him or her ( they are also dependent emotionally and physically) . If they decide to leave the said person, they still remain susceptible to his manipulations: Promises to never abuse his or her spouse again...( yeah right...) It's a circle.... But, where there is a will, there is a way( albeit a very hard road)


But like I said, more info is needed on the situation.

Answer 6

You are in a difficult situation. The only thing you can do is try to talk to your mother, but you have to know that it is her decision to make, and it is a difficult decision for her to make.

People in her situation suffer from low self esteem - the abuser often has them thinking that they have no where to go, can't survive without them, that they will kill them or their loved ones if they leave among other awful things. They do what they can to keep control of the person being abused. It is also going to sound really odd, but the person being abused is in a sort of comfort zone. They know what to expect, they know how things are from living that way, and other options are scary because it is new and different. All these factors combined make it difficult to leave.

Your mother is the only one who can decide to leave, and when she makes that decision she will need all the support she can get to ensure she doesn't go back. When she does leave, she needs to make as clean a break as possible - no communication.

All you can do is try to talk to her, try different tactics to get her to see that she has options and the one in which she is living is not good for her or your family. You care about your mother, of course, you love her and she probably won't want to talk about it, but you need to express your concern for her. Don't let her isolate herself from you or the rest of your family.

It is like you said, if you continuously call the cops it may turn out like a "crying wolf" situation. Even if they arrest him and jail him, odds are it won't initially be for that long, and when he gets out he can go after her.

Answer 7

im with the person above me, but not a camera, a voice activated tape recorder would work great, he couldnt talk his way out of that, keep calling the police, as awful as this sounds, if something should happen to your mother, it will be fully documented on how abusive he is . You cant change your mother, you cant force her to leave him or to realize what hes doing to her is wrong, she has to want to get out . the best you can do is support her and always be there for her, constantly telling her she doesnt deserve this . i would set limitations, do some tough love, or an intervention with loved ones. i would also limit my children and myself with this household , maybe if your mom understood that her grandchildren or you arent safe , she would be more likely to leave.

Answer 8

I doubt you will ever be able to do anything until she wants something done. Make sure she has numbers for domestic abuse hotlines. And maybe you can start documenting the incidents as they happen so you have things down on paper when you need them. Keep encouraging her to seek help for herself and keep offering your love and support every day. I hope things work out for all of you. Don't give up!!

Answer 9

Some woman don't know how to stop the cycle. If you see him doing this to your mother, you can file a report, but until your mother wants to change her life, you won't be able to do anything. Sorry to say, you need to stay out of it until you see it happen, or hear a threat against her life, then the police have to follow up. I'm sorry, I know how had it is for you, it is your Mother and you love her, but she doesn't love herself.

Answer 10

I understand your concerns, and know how you feel. I have 2 family members in the same situation and the only thing that I can offer to you is prayer. It may sound like this is not the answer but taking it to God and leaving it there will settle the situation. Your mother and God knows why she is still there and praying for her to gain strength to remove herself from that situation and it will be as God deem for it to be. I have prayed for my 2family members( daughter&sister) and God has worked things to their advantage. So pray for your mom to get her self esteem and self confidence back and that she gets tired of her relationship with your stepdad and to become the woman that God created her to be before she met your stepdad and beleive me God will handle it and you should pray for God to give you strength to let him handle things and ask God to give you peace of the mind body heart soul and spirit to deal with the other things that is going on in your life right now. I hope that this has help you and that it will give you some comfort. I will say a prayer for you and yours and let God be God. He can take care of things better than we could ever possibly could. No I am not some religous nut, just a woman who has gone through a lot in her life in such a short time and has established a more closer relationship with God than I have ever thought I would in my lifetime. Good luck and God bless.