Should I back out or slow down my relationship with my Fiance' based on these red flags?

Question

1. Past addiction to Cocaine (23 years ago) but still has an addictive personality.
2. Recently (within the past 9 mo) addicted to frequenting Karaoke Bars. He loves to sing & drink.
3.He is still communicating with a woman he did booty calls with even when I asked him to stop.She lives hundreds of miles away right now.
4. Previously addicted to pornography(within the last year)
5. I found an email where he had been pimping himself on Craig's List to have sex with stange women before we met (a married one) & he did not tell me about it once we started our relationship.
6. Does NOT want to attend church AT ALL. I am thinking when I have a child I would like to attend church for the child.
7. He can't have sex with me & get satisfied unless he has constant serious sexual visual stimulation (i.e all the lights on & mirrors). I am sure this has to do with his past porn addiction. He can't just feel it. He has to see EVERYTHING. Sometimes I feel like he wants the porn shot & not me.

Answer 1

when u are planning on marriage, the one thing u should be looking for, is it god based? does he have a strong belief in the lord, if not your already looking at heartache and heartbreak and maybe u need to look a little bit closer at his past, as a good predictor of what lies in your future is to look into the past, see what he did, how he treated other women he was involved with, and anyone keeping secrets has something to hide.

Answer 2

oK, so you are unsure. Well, there are no guarantees in life. BUT
7.wantig to see you naked with all the lights on is a good thing and healthy. If he didn't want the lights on, then you have something to worry about.
4. EVERY men enjoys porn. if he liked it before, he will ALWAYS like it. the question is do they tell you about it. So he is NORMAL. I am married for 6 years, and yes, my hubby has porn magazines when I am not available. Hey, he is a man, and if I am to tired or are not there to help him, let the picture do the job;) Unless you want a sexually disfunctional and insecure men who will tell you that you are the only thing that occupies his thoughts 24/7 (lying). Get Real, they are men, besides please don't tell me you don'd drool over some hottie on the movie screen and say "man I would do him in a heart beat!" Men just do it more often since they are fuled by testosterone.

6.If you want your daughter to attend church, you take her. If you are willing to leave him because he doesn't share your religious beliefes, you don't love him in the first place!

3. I could see how that would be bothersome, but maybe besides booty call they were friends? He IS marrying you and not the girl 100's of miles away, right? You can't let your insecurities ruin your life, figure out why you have them in the first place and deal with them. Trust me, I've been there.

2. Ok, so if I went clubbing every Friday and Saturday night before I had my baby I was addicted? Sweetie, sounds like he likes to sing and have a good time. That's not an addiction.

In my opinion, you have insecurity issues, and should take a HARD look at yourself, not him.

Answer 3

Yikes!

I think its all a matter of how much this stuff bothers you. Can you live with it or is it really getting at you. I would bring this up to him. If he can't change some or all of it I would get out quick.

1. Past addiction to Cocaine (23 years ago) but still has an addictive personality

Thats in the past, don't stress it. Good for him for being clean for 23 years.

2. Recently (within the past 9 mo) addicted to frequenting Karaoke Bars. He loves to sing & drink.

As long as the drinking isn't out of control it sounds like he just having a good time. Why don't you go with him and have a laugh or two. Heck, sing with him! :)

3.He is still communicating with a woman he did booty calls with even when I asked him to stop.She lives hundreds of miles away right now.

Ask him to stop again. This is a big no no in my book! Its not like they hang out so why does he feel he needs to still contact her?

4. Previously addicted to pornography(within the last year)

Alot of guys are. If its bad though maybe you can suggest he get some help professionally as it obviously bothers you.

5. I found an email where he had been pimping himself on Craig's List to have sex with stange women before we met (a married one) & he did not tell me about it once we started our relationship.

This is bad. Bring it up to him. Ask if he's still doing it. "Pimping" himself is just asking for an STD or unplanned kid.

6. Does NOT want to attend church AT ALL. I am thinking when I have a child I would like to attend church for the child.

I would let this one go. If you would like to attend church with your child go ahead. It's only a few hours a week and may give him time to do some alone stuff such as hang out with some friends or get some stuff done that may not involve you (i.e. work around the house such as fix-it things).

7. He can't have sex with me & get satisfied unless he has constant serious sexual visual stimulation (i.e all the lights on & mirrors). I am sure this has to do with his past porn addiction. He can't just feel it. He has to see EVERYTHING. Sometimes I feel like he wants the porn shot & not me.

I think you're right. It is due to the porn addiction. Again, talk to him. Tell him you feel like he wants to see the porn more then you or tell him it just makes you uncomfortable.

These are alot of issues that are going to have to be sorted out BEFORE you guys get married. If its not it will all just get worse and you guys could end up in a sticky divorce. If he can't get past these things I would suggest you move on and live your life the way you deserve.

Answer 4

Yuck! I think you know the answer but it's nice to have companionship and I'm sure he has a nice side.

BUT you're wise to see too many red flags and you must know these things typically get much worse in a marriage. Truth is, you're too good for this sheethead!

Start preparing him and yourself by backing out slowly. Get your treasures together and when the time is right, get out! Start going to church on your own and meet a nice guy there! Then half your battle will be over!


Addicts are no fun in the long-run at all - very painful!!!!!!! Most don't find cure but switch addictions to go back to horrible ones at some point, unless they get excellent help. Fact that he has no interest to even go to a couple hour church with you, especially for child's benefit, makes me see this guy is not trainable either.

Good observations you made, you got your head on tight enough now follow through dear!

Answer 5

Definitely BACK OUT....and fast....and don't look back. You are asking for nothing but trouble with a capital "T" if you marry this guy. He is seriously damaged goods, and you will always be second fiddle to his addictions. You hit the nail on the head when you said he "still has an addictive personality". It's a fact that a lot of addicts simply transfer their addictions to another "substance". You do not want to be in that revolving door. Better to be single the rest of your life if need be than be in that situation.

Answer 6

i think of it is a style you need to make for your self. Strangers on the internet won't be able to inform you to back out of a relationship based on the guy's previous. None the fewer, i visit handle each and every thing you are concerned approximately... a million. The previous is the previous. in case you probably did no longer have a project with the coke dependancy from many years in the past once you met, do no longer cling it over his head NOW. 2. i do no longer think of desirous to flow to Karaoke bars may be construde as an dependancy. no remember how in many circumstances he is going. He likes to have a competent time, permit or no longer it is. 3. Are you threatened by somebody hundreds of miles away? they might basically be associates. permit him have associates. i'm particular you have associates who're male. 4. he's a guy. i'm particular he likes porn. It does no longer mean he's a undesirable guy basically simply by fact he likes porn. 5. He probable has a fetish the place he's aroused by strangers or he became no longer basic up for funds. i think of he probable din't point out it simply by shame. I doubt you instructed him each and every element of your existence. 6. no longer all and sundry has to worship interior a church. 7. you need to attempt to thrill him and not be disappointed by what he likes. in case you adore him then you definately might do what it takes to confirm he ispleased even though if it demands mirrors and lighting fixtures fixtures. Makes video clips or take photos. make him happy, that's what you're meant to wish to do. you need to use that trait on your benefit.

Answer 7

What are his good points? Are they enough to outweigh these red flags? If I'm in your situation, I'll definitely back-out and spare myself from torture. Your fiance has some serious issues that need resolving and I don't think that you should waste your time with this sleaze. Sex with him isn't even normal. Do you want to constantly compete with the porn stars in his head? Geez, everything about him is so abnormal. If all the men are like your fiance, I'd rather be single for the rest of my life. Do you want to spend your life with somebody who has this type of personality? Sure, men loves porn but being addicted to it is something else. Your future spouse' values should be considered when you intend to marry them. Otherwise, you'll be just another broken family.

Answer 8

Definitely slow down or back out....you know 2 red flags might be one thing but you seem to have a list that goes on for days, there are probably things that you did not even list....it seems like if you stay you will be in for a lifetime of heartache, and mistrust, and you should not have to live that way, you deserve better.

Answer 9

Don't you marry this guy young lady. You are setting yourself up for heartache.People with addictive personalities can be very manipulative, and in the end it is you who gets hurt. maybe you can suggest pre-marital counseling from a preacher or rabbi or who ever your spiritual authority may be.

Answer 10

Find the nearest exit and RUN honey!!! Run as fast as your legs can carry you!!

You cannot reason with or change an addictive personality.