What should I do?

Question

i told my children's father shape up or ship out. he proposed and we set a date. then things happened and he ended up moving out. i bit the bullet an said everything was my fault because the argument was so stupid. when all i had to do was compromise on the wedding date. so to get him to come back i said that i wouldn't mention a wedding period point blank. but then he asked what i wanted for xmas and i said i wanted things to go back to normal like how they were before the argument with our october 18th wedding date. so he got the note and call me on his way to work pissed because i had brought up this siutation again. i'm so sick of this. one minute we're in love and he wants to make this work then the next minute he's not into the whole idea of marriage. i feel like he thinks that there's no point to getting married because we already have two daughters and a house. and we're basically living the married life. i wanna know should i stay or go. i think i deserve more than this.

Answer 1

The comedienne, Phyllis Diller, once said, "Don't go to bed mad, stay up and fight!" Well, that's not the best advice, but it beats doing the "I’ll - pretend - to sleep - but - what - I’ll - really - do - is - toss - and - turn - groan - and - moan - and - make - you - as - miserable - as - I - am routine." Whether you stay up all night fighting or tossing and turning, one thing is certain, you’ll be exhausted and miserable and your problem won’t go away. So what’s the alternative? How does a couple fight fairly and resolve conflicts?


A Martin Holt Original

First of all, we need to understand that there is no such thing as a relationship without conflict. My wife and I have had our disagreements and so does every other couple I’ve known or counseled during the last 25 years. Let’s face it. We’re two people with different personalities, opinions and feelings and sooner or later we’re going to bump heads with one another. Maybe she’s mad because you’re spending too much money or he’s upset with your laid-back approach to the kids or maybe you’re both dissatisfied with your sexual relationship.

One thing is certain, there’s no end to the issues a couple can fight over. However, conflict is not the problem. A couple who together resolves a disagreement creates a deeper understanding and respect between themselves. The real problem is a couple’s inability to effectively disagree and find solutions.

Let’s return to our original question: How does a couple fight fairly and resolve conflicts?

The first step in conflict resolution is to identify the problem or issue. You'd be surprised how few people are able to answer the question, "What are you fighting about?" So many of us have been arguing for so long over so many different issues that we’ve lost touch with what’s really bothering us. If we could agree about what the issue is, then we’d be 50% along the way to solving the conflict. So, the next time you’re in a fight, stop and ask yourself and your partner, "Do we know what we’re really arguing about?" If the answer is no, try to clarify the issue and come to agreement on the nature of the disagreement.

Not only do you need to know what the conflict is, you also need to find the right time and place to work it through. More often than not, couples fight late at night when they're tired and don't have the mental and emotional capacity to deal with the problem. So don’t do as Phyllis Diller suggests and stay up and fight. If you do, you’ll have a night of screams, tears and frustration.

Find a time when you’re alert and you won’t be disturbed by friends, children or the telephone. Let it be a time that is good for both of you. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner, "I want to work this through, but right now I’m exhausted and I’m afraid I won’t deal with things very well. If it’s okay with you, I would like to continue this in the morning." If you’re sincere about wanting to resolve the conflict, then your partner will most likely agree to a temporary postponement.

So, now you know what you’re fighting about and you’ve picked the right time and place to try to resolve it. Next, you need to know how to communicate your conflict with your partner. The following are some helpful rules on how to successfully communicate your disagreement and resolve your conflict.

Don't blame; take responsibility for yourself. Blaming puts your partner in a defensive position, and, as we all know, the best defense is a good offense.


Start with "I" sentences such as, "I feel hurt and angry when you promise you’ll be on time and you’re consistently late." I’m not promising that your partner won’t be defensive, but I am certain that it will be more effective than telling her, "You’re so irresponsible and unreliable. Once again, you’ve screwed up my plans."


Don't tell your spouse that he or she is wrong. If you do, you can be assured that your "wrong" partner will fight even harder to prove that he or she is right.


Listen. In other words, try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and make an effort to understand how he or she feels. Don’t prepare your rebuttal while your partner talks. Instead, try to work on accepting what your partner says. Remember, just because you have differing perspectives doesn’t make one of you right and the other one wrong.


State your case but don’t compromise your marriage. Don’t be afraid to express your wants and needs, but remember, winning a fight may mean losing your marriage. Try to embrace the idea that the only victory in marriage is a stronger relationship.
Believe me, I know that these "cookbook type" suggestions sound easy but in reality are difficult to put into practice. It takes constant effort and discipline and an absolute determination to make your marriage work. However, if you and your spouse make that commitment, then I’m certain you’ll create a marriage based on love and respect.

Answer 2

O.k. - I do understand the fact that you want to get married - but since the two of you already put the cart before the horse - why not leave things the way they are for now and approach the marriage thing again in a year (or maybe 6 months). What's the rush now? You already have kids and a house - why is it so important - to the point where you want to leave him altogether??? Doesn't make sense... Just give him (and you) some time to settle down and relax - worry about having a good home - good love - and provide a good loving home for your kids! Everything else will fall into place at some point!

Answer 3

That would depend on what it is you want...If you feel like getting marry is important to you even though you have a family and a house together then that is something only you can decide if you should stay or go....He might feel like marriage is what you already have so why the need for the nupitals...Obviously, he is happy with the way things are so you have to determine if it is enough for you...You know already that when he left you wanted him to come back so why not just leave things the way they are in hopes that he decides for himself to bring it up when he is ready...If it it love that has you both there then it's love that will lead you...You shouldn't have to force someone to want to share their life with you...Remember that and take care of you and your children ...Be well...

Answer 4

I am a women not a man I had to clear that up before you read further?
Sounds to me like you like to argue.

He is right why did you have to bring it up. You know it is really hard for us to see our faults we all think we are such good hearted people and nice and sweet. I mean honestly have you ever met someone that will say "I am a jerk and rude and have no personality"
Of course not.
I think you should take a deep breath a really deep one and ask 3 people that are older then you that have been around the two of you ask them to be totally honest if they think you nag or like to fight.
And there is your answer.
I have a very dear friend she has a heart of gold sweet as can be she is the type that will go to an office party with fresh baked cookies.
Anyway we are in our 30's and she has been in and out of relationships.
She gets herself so worked up and cries to me that why she cannot find someone who loves her.
But honestly she likes to fight it is her way or the high way.
She was brought up the youngest baby girl and she does not even realize it.
I as a friend tried to tell her then she gets pissed and will not speak to me for a few years.
I have learned over the years just to tell her what she wants to here because she will not listen.

I am telling you I think your like to fight also and if you don't change why your young you will never find happiness.

Good luck!

Answer 5

-i think i deserve more than this.
I think you just answered your question.
Truth be told, many men have the fear of marriage nowdays. Why bother if they already have you and the kids and all. without a signed agreement, he can get out at any time (as he already did) It's a nice card of manipulation he is playing on you. He loves you and things are honky-dory as long as you go along with everything he wants, says and does, but shoudl you let him know that you don't agree with his opinions, and have needs of your own **** hits the fan, right?

I am really sorry to tell you this but this is not a NORMAL behavioiur of a man who loves you and his kids and is commited to his family.
I would be really concerned and think hard as to how you want to live your life. Definitely talk to him HONESTLY as to how you feel.

good Luck

Answer 6

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby carriage. These things happen in this particular order for a reason.

Question: Why should he marry you now? You deserve what you have because you set it up this way. Failure WAS the option.

Life isn't really like it appears on TV. Life is real with real people, real consequences and outcomes.

Answer 7

Firstly, why are you having children when your bond is not strong??? Forget the marriage part.... you're in a shaky relationship. Communication appears to be a real problem between the two of you...

And yes, two people making babies ought to be thinking of marriage.

Your children deserve to be raised in a family with their father. So if he is going to be a jerk, and not choose to marry you, understand that if you and he split, you'll still get child support, and after 8 years it is common law anyway. Just don't understand why people get it backwards.... as my mom said, "make me a mother in law before you make me a grandmother." Thought that was obvious, and good advise.

So, yes, you for sure deserve to be married.... if you're good enough to sleep with him and have his kids, you're for sure good enough to be his wife. But if marriage talk to him is the deal-buster, your kids deserve their dad more than they deserve to be "legitimate". And you ought to stop talking about it. In fact, in your place, after all that, I don't think I'd marry the guy, just for spite.....There is a small part of his personality that just screams.....JJJAAAAACCCCKKKKA($$$$$$$$$$$$$$)

Answer 8

You have a man that does not want to get married. In a way you are married but common-law. Tell him that if he is not willing to make it legal then you will take him to the cleaners and find a man that will marry you and give you the stability you are looking for in your life.

Answer 9

Sounds like he likes playing house. You kinda brought it on yourself. You lowered your boundaries and let things get to this point. Now that you've thought things over, it's hard to get him to commit on the level you want. You gave him his cake and have let him eat it.
Try talking to him. Let him know your true feelings and why this is important to you. If he loves you and cares, he'll at least hear you out and maybe things will work out. At least you'll know how he feels about things also.

Answer 10

sounds like he is scared of comittment... stop pressing the issue for three months and if he doesn't mention anything about the wedding then ask him to leave... also you are already living the married life so why can't you have the same last name as your children??... SB