I need some ideas on how to reconcile with my family?

Question

My wife left me a little over a year ago right after I was diagnosed with cancer. We had been married a long time and have two adult children. The divorce will be final any moment. She has poisoned our children against me. I am facing the holiday season alone. This is destroying me.

Answer 1

It can only get better from this point. Focus on your recovery. On fun things to do. Call old friends you haven't talk too in a long time. Go travel,,,focus on you right now. Your kids are adults and no matter what, you can't change the way they think right now. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that you were a good provider and a father to them. Life is short, don't let this drag you down,,,there so much more to live for,,,*big hug bro!

Answer 2

Well, you don't give us many clues. Why did she leave you? Did you cheat on her? Were you abusing her in some way? I can't imagine a wife in a happy marriage leaving her husband when she finds out he has cancer or any other bad illness, and I can't imagine the grown children being "poisoned against you" either, if you were loving to them in the growing up years. I think you must have been a bad husband and father? (or your wife and kids are insane?)

The holiday season should not destroy you. These are DAYS like any other day, except that families do try to get together and often attend church together. Stay out of the malls (they are tacky, anyway, and not what Christmas is really about), because they will depress you. Send flowers (FTD) to your children and ask them to forgive you. Tell them you love them and would like a chance to have a relationship again. Even if they do not respond, you will have closure because you tried. You can keep trying after the holidays, too. As for your wife, let it go. If she left you while you were sick, she is not coming back. You can take the high road and send her a letter telling her you are sorry for your transgressions, but you probably cannot get her back. But your children...THEY should eventually forgive you. If you don't get an immediately reply from your kids, take a trip over the weekend so that you are not home for the holidays. I suggest somewhere where there is sunshine (there are lots of cruiselines that give last minute discounts when they have empty space aboard ship). Florida, Louisianna, S. Carolina, San Diego, etc. Sunshine lifts the spirits mentally and emotionally. When my mother died, I took the family to Grand Cayman Island for the holidays. It helped me a lot. Good luck, and God Bless you.

Answer 3

That does not make any sense at all. Did she leave you because you were diagnosed with cancer or were you on the way to a divorce before that?
If you think that she is turning your adult kids against you, then the only thing you can do is invite your kids over and have a talk with them, let them ask you questions of concern and you should answer them truthfully. I am sure that they will be enlightened after that session.

Answer 4

Your children are adults and seem to have about as much compassion and depth as a thimble. Your wife didn't "do" anything to poison them against you---the kids chose to treat you this way all on their own, so I would try addressing it with them. Send letters---this would seem the best way to get out what you have to say and avoid the risk of being hung up on or having the door slammed in your face. At least you will be able to get what's on your mind down on paper and know that you have made an effort to get back in touch with these "kids". You have no other family or friends to spend time with in the meantime?

Answer 5

well that's very sad that your soon to be ex has done that, however your children are adults and should be able to make their own decisions, why don't you call them and invite them over to your home for a Christmas eve dinner, no strings attached, not even a mention of anything in the past, tell them you love them and just want an opportunity to have a relationship with them and spend some of the holiday with them, if they say no ..move on get some friends or co worker's or neighbors and invite them Christmas eve, don't spend it alone, and at least you gave it a shot.

Answer 6

I call BS -- unless you call being told the truth "poisoning". Adult children cannot be duped because they would see your whole life with them, not just the part after their mother left you. So, what did you do to make your whole family angry at you? Rather than playing the victim role, you need to take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself how you messed up your relationships. Then, the only thing you can do is apologize and try to make amends.

Answer 7

I am thinking there is more to this story than you are saying. If the marriage was a good one she would never have left you when you were diagnosed with cancer. As for your kids, they are adults and I assume are choosing not to see you for their own reasons. If you want to extend the olive branch and try and mend the relationship you should call them and say you would like to talk and try and set things right. Don't use your illness to gain sympathy.

Answer 8

How could she do that and be so selfish when you were diagnoes with cancer? It sounds like she has a negative disposition in life and it's not right... but if she's that evil then you really shouldn't have her as a part of your life, she will only continue to make you miserable.
As for your children, write them a letter, an e-mail, or call them up and talk to them. Let them hear your side of the story. It's not fair that their mother brainwashed them against you and tell them you don't want them to pick sides, you just miss them.

Answer 9

I'm not sure if you can exactly reconcile with you're wife (or that you want to) i can only say that you should try and have a talk with your children. If they don't want to talk to you then let them cool off for a while, send them cards about how you feel and that you miss them (not a bunch you don't want to suffocate them) but don't try to talk about the situation just yet. Wait a bit until they're ready to talk.

Answer 10

why are you alone? surely you have family around. not just your kids or exwife. get on a plane and go see whoever is in your family. get in a car and drive somewhere nice and fun. surely you have some friends? invite them over or take them out to dinner.

in reading all the other answers to your plight, most of the posters want you to reach out to your adult children. if you wanted ideas you got lots and lots. call write walk or drive over to see them, invite them out to dinner, ask how THEY are doing, tell them seeing them means the world to you.

i happen to believe that people can be poisoned against another. i also believe what one poster said, just keep trying, call your children, invite them out for dinner, and my friend, dont say, 'want to go out to dinner sometime' say, hello, i would love to see you, it would mean the world to me, how about we meet at ----restaurant at 7pm on friday night? they will say no. then say, how about sat night? they will say no. then !!!!! say, i will call you saturday and see if you have any time coming up in the few days after that. why? because science has proved that when people are resistant, that, gentle persistence works. so, call again on sat and ask again for a specific time and place, science proves that it takes at least ! 3 tries before a resistant party will agree to what you are asking. you did not know that, did you. anyway, send a card and flowers to them today, and make this effort.

remember what the beatles said, " the love you take, is equal to the love, you make".

peace. merry christmas.