We have been together for 6 years and been married 2. When I married him I didn't know about this. Then I slowly started finding out bits and pieces. He has a huge porn addiction. To the point that I will be in the other rrom waiting for him to come to bed and hes to busy doing other things. Other times he will wake up early to get him self off.... And he knows how much it hurts me. But he still does it all the time. He told me he would stop and promised me that he deleted all of it.... a month later there it was again. Needless to say this is the 7 or 8th time I have found him going at it. And then he will lie about it right to my face. I no longer trust him, I don't look at him in the same way and honestly I don't know why Im still in this marriage. How can I trust that tings will change. He chooses the computer over me just about everyday.
Honestly I don't want a divorce. I married him saying for better or worse, so what would you do if you were me?
2007-12-19 06:59:24 · 35 answers · asked by crazy_cat_lady 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He has been to counsling for a year now and nothing has changed. And I know men look at it, but not to this point of everyday, he turns down his wife to look at other women everyday
2007-12-19 07:05:13 · update #1
You can't change him, only he can change him. You have to choose to accept him as he is, or you have to let go. Right now he has a problem, and it may or may not get better. You can't predict the future, or you wouldn't be writing this post.
Trust is everything when you enter a marriage. You have never had that with him as he was covering something up before you were married. If you were going out with him and you saw this behavior, would you have gotten married? If he made you feel this bad, would you have gotten married?
You can't control his behavior, but he can if he really wants to.
How can you learn to trust him, well... he has to do things that are trustworthy. If he wants to get better, then he would be talking about what he is feeling before he actually does it. The fact that he is not able to talk to you about it and is sneaking off to do it, means that he is not living with integrity. He is living with deception. How can you trust that?
2007-12-19 09:41:06 · answer #1 · answered by Keez 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I said for better or worse too. But it was based on the ideals that BOTH of us would be honest with each other. Unless he gets help, he will not stop and your problems will only get worse. He's breaking his promise in marriage and you should not feel bad about leaving if he wont change. There ARE decent men out there who would love nothing more than a wife who is devoted to their marriage. It won't be easy, but if you choose to divorce and don't comprimise your ideals and self value, you CAN find what your looking for.
2007-12-19 07:09:39 · answer #2 · answered by Lynda G 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Just went through that :(
well, it's not your fault, it's his problem, I know u're hurt by it, I was too, cuz I'd b waiting for him in bed, and he'd be in the bathroom, :( , well what I did......I took the ring off, I told him this is it, and I want out, he really got scared started crying that he doesn't know why he does it, and promised he wouldn't do it ever again because he saw how much that hurt me and would never choose porn over marriage. He doesn't do it any more, and I do check my comp. hey, I have the right to, right? so that worked for me, I don't know what kind of man ur husband is, but if he's man enough he'll turn the porn down and turn u back on, right? Best of luck to u, and trust me it's not u, it's him.
2007-12-19 07:07:51 · answer #3 · answered by acia 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same situation and he doesn't even see it as a problem. My self esteem has gotten so bad since I found out about my husband's porn addiction. He watches it whenever he gets a chance. I can be in the shower and he will hurry up and get on the computer before I get out! He does it in the middle of the night, when he gets home from work, before he goes to work. He lies about it, spends money on it, hides it. All of which has caused me not to trust him at all. We have fought about this for a year now and the only thing I could get him to do was not to look at it while I was there!! I have cried and cried and cried and he doesn't understand. He tells me it has nothing to do with me, it's a man thing. Well, it has everything to do with me because it affects the way he looks at me and treats me. We barely have sex because he is too busy getting himself off. It's a constant struggle!! I love my hubby too and I don't want to leave him over this, but something has got to change!!! I went to my preacher at church and he told me to keep praying for him and not to give up that God has the power to change people.
2007-12-19 07:15:09 · answer #4 · answered by faith 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I am sorry to say, but a divorce is a good option here. Yes, you agreed to marry in good times and bad, but bad doesn't mean incessant lying. And many that have porn addictions also are unfaithful outside of the home. If you cannot trust him anymore due to his ADDICTION and lying and he has undergone counseling but is UNWILLING to change for not only you, but himself, what else can you do but accept this or leave him? I hope you consider your feelings in this decision since he isn't. Good luck!!!
2007-12-19 07:14:37 · answer #5 · answered by forestbythesea 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I dealt with the same issues, and I know how you feel. I told him how it hurt me, and that I didn't like it at all. his response was it's just something men do, I always thought it was natural..... to make a long story short, he stopped and there are no issues with that anymore. Just as a heads up, and this could be part of your problem........ when my husband was in his teens and starting asking questions his dad went a bought a porn put it in the vcr, and said watch and learn, and that is why he thought it was normal..... my advice to you is this, if it hurts you let him know that, if he doesn't change ......find someone that will put that energy towards you......and not the computer
2007-12-19 07:07:34 · answer #6 · answered by peacefrogzs 3 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I've been there. My husband became addicted to masterbation and in the end, I gave up on trying to please him. I stopped being there when he wanted a human other than himself to play with. He would get up two times in the night to go to the bathroom. It is not like I couldn't tell what he was doing. Men are just pigs. Learn to live with it or learn to live without hom. That is what my mother told me. I chose to live without him and my life is much fuller and happier. We had bene together for almost 16 years when he started this crap. It was almost 20 when I fianlly left. Today, I am happier than ever. He is still alone and seems to be happy that way. He can never say he isn't satisfied in bed..lol
2007-12-19 07:06:37 · answer #7 · answered by jessielynn 2 · 5⤊ 1⤋
under normal circumstances, i would think that a man looking at porn is a big deal. however, when it starts taking a front seat to you and your marriage, then it's a problem. i suggest that you get him some help. pron is an addiction just like anything else and there are programs to help people. if you cannot find one in your area, at least get him some counseling.
2007-12-19 07:04:02 · answer #8 · answered by redpeach_mi 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
if you are in bed waiting and he doesn't come to bed go see what he is up to or in the morning get up with him to make sure he doesn't do it . i would never put up with this ! he defiantly has a huge problem it sounds like its controlling his life. if counseling doesn't work maybe you need to get a new counselor or separate for a while maybe loosing you will make him realize this is insane behavior. also take some action yourself put a password on the computer so he cant use it !
2007-12-19 08:36:54 · answer #9 · answered by just me 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
He has a problem and you have two choices,
1. Stay and try to live with it, because he's not going to stop.
2. Divorce him, because he won't stop.
Not all men look at porn, and some start and can't stop, it's like a drug to some.
2007-12-19 07:12:46 · answer #10 · answered by harold 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋