Back after my hubbys affair?

Question

My husband and I have been back together since August, we split for 2 months after he confessed to having an affair with a work collegue. He moved in briefly with her for this short time but realised his mistake and asked to come back. After some discussion i agreed. At first i was ok dealing with it but now i just can't seem to forget the hurt and anger i feel. We have since he came home discussed his affair in depths and tried to figure out what went wrong and to be honest there was nothing. He thinks that it was purely to see if he could still attract the opposite sex and that he went through some mid life crisis. He has openly and honestly answered my questions i ask and i think maybe this has an effect on how i'm feeling maybe its to much info. He admits he has done wrong and asks nearly everyday for my forgiveness which i feel in time i can give him but right i'm so confused. We have been married for 10 years with 2 children.

what can i or he or both do to ease my hurt and guilt?

Answer 1

Your trust in your husband has been shattered; it is possible that you may never be able to restore it; your relationship has taken a severe blow. It sounds like he is truly remorseful and willing to do anything to repair the relationship, which is good. But of course you are angry; you are outraged at his casual betrayal, and you are quite justified in feeling like this. It will take time to rebuild your relationship; I notice a lot of people have recommended counselling, and there would certainly be a role for counsellor there....when you are ready. You are a brave and loving woman, and all credit to you for attemping to forgive your husband. I wish you well.

Answer 2

You will have to find the resolve and dedication to move on from this. It can be done. You can forgive - but you can never forget. Unfortunately we cannot wipe our memory clean.

For the childrens' sake and everything you stand to lose, it would be worth trying to accept he made a one off mistake. It won't be easy, but if you both pull together to work at your marriage and you put the betrayal behind you, then you can find happiness together again.

Now that your initial anger has died down, you may be suffering a crisis of confidence. Don't torture yourself with all the details, it happened the way it happened and you can't change any of it now.

You will be a big person if you can put it behind you, but remember you are not to blame for his actions. I hope he realises what a fool he has been and appreciates the chance to make things up to you.

Remember you are dealing with the fallout of what you could compare to an emotional bomb going off in your heart, so it may take a while to repair.

Given enough time and as each day goes by you will dwell on it less and less, until one day you will not think of it at all.

Answer 3

I'm sure that help and advice from a marriage counsellor would help.

Also for the sake of your children, you should stay together. After all the children need their father aswell as their mother. As parents to I'm sure that you love and care about your children.

On the other hand there maybe an issue of trust which may affect the relationship.

Thinking about the positive times of the relationship may help bring you closer together but I know that this may not be the right solution.

I know it's difficult and will take time but I'm sure that you'll get there in the end.

Answer 4

Don't worry, time heals all wounds. It just recently happened so it is perfectly understandable that you're still hurting a lot. If you can truly feel and see (which I presume you do) that your hubby is sincerely and honestly sorry about it, well then I guess all you have to do is to forgive him and try(hard) to put everything in the past and look towards your future. Your forgiveness means 1 less broken family in the world and you have spared your kids the heartache. Try to rebuild your lost trust and spend more family time. If you're a Christian or whatever religion you might have, pray that you'll have more strenght to face everything. I wish you goodluck!

Answer 5

Almost exact thing happened with mine.....someone at work started falling for him because he was a freind to her after she broke up with someone else...and in turn he got emotionally attached and started to fall for her....we have what I consider a wonderful marriage....mid 30's, no kids, great jobs, sex 1-2 times a day...yes a day...not 1-2 times a week. She was 25 with 2 kids by two different daddies..........and he doesnt want kids !!!!!!!! I guess one never really knows why one starts to fall for another when they have an amazing wife at home. Us women give them the world and they want more and want to see if they are still attractive to others and if the grass is grrener on the other side. Rarely can men truly answer why they had an affair......just chalk it up to they are idiots......we are all married to idiots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ours happened at 7 years......the 7 year itch...maybe it was a midlife crisis. Its amazing how much we women can forgive, maybe it's the day and age, and the fact that ohhh 75% of men cheat and 60% of women do too. It's not at all that I thought I couldnt find another man, because im sexy and a freak too, part of it was that since 3/4 of the male population will cheat if given a chance, I figured I would just end up with the same thing over again. The question is do men really realize their mistakes and learn from them? Only time will tell in my situation and probably in yours. As much as you try to forget, you won't, I still think about it once or twice a week. You will want to throw it up to him when you get mad, and it is so very hard just to bite your tongue and not do that, but you are the better person for not. I wanted a fairy tale marriage...dont we all.....it isnt that and cant be now after what happened but all I can do is hope that he tells the truth and loves me like he says he does. I wish you the best, do what is in your heart no matter how many people on here say drop him, drop him, drop him, they dont know how bad your feet hurt until they walk in your shoes.

Answer 6

Tough one. Serious breach of trust. I kind of see it like death....some people deal with it, some don't, there is no right or wrong way, time limits don't work. People get off making people jump through hoops for forever for revenge....others think I admitted it....get over it.

Time and consistincy are all I know of that repairs wounds this deep. I don't believe the desperate guy who claims his love daily with nothing but words. I don't believe the guy who says he's sorry and does it again the first time he's tempted. I don't trust the guy who just took me back because it was better than being alone.

Only you and he know the answer for your specific situation. You may not know till he's tempted again.

You said something that hit me though......I asked...he was honest....too much info and it hurts. It's been a few months......hardley enough time has passed to really know.

Another thing that hits me. Lets say a tornado hits your home. It takes time to clean up the mess....alot more time to get it back to what it was.

People think I'm sorry is enough to fix it all......it's not.

Answer 7

Don't ask questions you really don't want to hear the answers to would be the lesson for the day. You need to allow yourself to be hurt and angry, but I would recommend that you take it away from him, maybe go to a trusted pastor or even a support group. You won't be able to heal unless you let all of that go. Your marriage won't survive if you can't let it go. You need to really be honest with yourself about what you want. It sounds like you may be having second thoughts about really wanting to work this out. Don't feel guilty about it, don't feel like you're acting strange or any other thing. I encourage you to get intouch with your deep being, and decide if after 10 years and 2 children, you really do want out. If not, then you are going to have to focus on rebuilding trust. If he's asking for forgiveness every day, soon it will sound like he doesn't really mean it, if you allow your heart to harden over what you now know about the affair. After you decide that you really do want to stay married to him, decide what you need from him to rebuild your trust. It would be expected that you are angry and hurt, but you also can't torture him for the rest of your lives together either, that will not do any good for either of you. You will heal, if you can find a way to let it go.

Answer 8

You need to forgive him. I am not saying forget because I don't think you can every do that. You are a better woman than me because if I found out my husband had been unfaithful then he would be out, no questions asked.

If you feel you cannot move past this then you would be better separate especially for your children because they will pick up all the tension in the home. Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

You face the dilemma of being angry and relieved at the same time. It is not easy.

You have been betrayed in the worst possible way, but to wallow in the betrayal means losing the most secure thing in your life...your marriage.

You need to accept that you cannot turn your emotions off like a tap. There is no magical morning when you wake up and the pain is all gone.

I strongly urge that you and your husband work through a third party so that you can honestly express your feelings and he can do the same. Only then will you be able to move on in a sustained and open way.

Best of luck to both of you.

Answer 10

You need to build trust back not honesty (not that that hurts).

Trust is when you believe he will do what he says. He is giving you all the honesty in anwering your questions and talking about the affair. That's good.

Next is him keeping his word day after day after day. Only over time will you see his committment and the trust will be rebuilt. It's a long journey but it can be done.