my husband and i have been together for a total of 6 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. Ever since my daughter was born i have not been in the mood to have sex. Most times i just do it b/c i dont want to lose my huband over it. He is so into making sure that he gets his that he does not even try to please me! i can lay there like a bump on a log and he would not even notice. I have tried to talk to him about it but he does not understand and gets mad. I have tried to explain to him that "baby i want sex" is not actually a turn on and does not make me in the mood...and when your just humping me (for lack of a better word) it does not pleasure me. what should i do? i try to want to be intimate with him but if i am not enjoying it as well then what is the point! and the more he begs or makes comments about sex or oral (which i cant stand!) it turns me more away! i feel repulsed by him at times....help me...what to do?
2007-12-19 05:32:59 · 36 answers · asked by jewelry lady! love my job 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
when i said oral....i meant to him! but i do it b/c that is what he wants....i have tried toys and other things from the sex stores, not much different.....i am not one to pleasure myself so that is out the question! and there is no medical reason b/c i have been to the doctor plenty times.....i really think its about not showing any respect or understanding to how i feel....its takes a lot more than say sex to get woman going....like pleasing me mentally and emotionally before physically!
2007-12-19 05:51:51 · update #1
i love my husband and do not want a divorce...i came here for advice on how to step things up before it gets to bad to fix! some of you people are so quick to blame....i am not saying this is all him! i know that i have to work at this also...but i am and nothing seems to work! dont be so quick to judge....thanks to everyone who answered fairly and honestly!
2007-12-19 06:03:46 · update #2
you need to talk to him and see if he can try foreplay be fore he gets his. sorry and good luck
2007-12-19 05:36:41 · answer #1 · answered by nikie_atkinson 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First, you must establish to him that you have no intention of trying to belittle him, but that you have some real issues about your lovemaking. You may even put it to him that since you've had your daughter, your libido needs more "persuasion" than it used to. This is a real problem for a lot of women, and has to do with hormonal changes. It doesn't mean you love him less, but that it's just gonna take more than "baby I want sex" to turn you on!
If all he cares about is his own satisfaction, he needs to get a reality check. You have every right to pleasure that he does, and he needs to understand that women don't just turn it off and on like men do. He needs to get you in the mood. It could be so much fun...he could plan a romantic dinner with candles & the whole bit. He could arrange to leave your daughter overnight with a grandparent so you can have the place all to yourselves with no interruptions, etc.
Any man who can't be made to understand that women are not a faucet you can turn off & on has no sense of romance, nor does he care about anyone's needs but his own. If he's that insensitive, he REALLY needs to back up the truck and realize that you're not an inflatable doll he can just hump and get his jollies. If that's all he wants, maybe you should get him one...see how he likes it. If that's how he's making you feel, thats what he should get in return.
Good luck. But hubby needs to know, he's not the only one who has needs. If he gets mad, maybe he'd do better with his fist & some KY jelly next time he wants some action.
2007-12-19 05:49:52 · answer #2 · answered by Barbi T 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this says it all . . . . GREAT JOB (aa889d)!!!
I'll probably get flamed for this response but oh well.....
You are a contradiction in your own statement. You state, "Ever since my daughter was born i have not been in the mood to have sex." Yet you go on to state that you are dissatisfied with him not pleasing you...
You also state that he is so into getting his that you could just lay there like a bump on a log and he wouldn't notice.... Well, I call B.S. on this one. He probably CAN tell you;re not that into it. If he feels you don't care or like it and are only giving him a "pity f*ck" to keep him from cheating on you, then why the hell wouldn't he just worry about getting his rocks off and getting on with life?
I would agree that he could do a better job of TRYING to get you in the mood, but I'd also venture to guess he has tried in the past and you either turned him down, or you made him feel like you were doing him a favor by having sex with him. Well, from a guy's point of view, then its very easy to just say - "F-it, I'll at least get mine, she's not going to enjoy it no matter WHAT I do...."
Sex after the baby is a tricky thing, my wife and I are just now getting back into sync after baby #2 and the kid is almost a year old already !!!
With that said - good sex (like a lot of things in life), is a matter of you get out of it what you put into it. At least he's making an effort to be intimate with you. What effort are YOU putting into the act other than resentment, attitude, and a general distain for your husband and the act itself ?
Yes - he needs to step up, but its not all him. You have a stake in the quality as well. The only way it will get bettter is for BOTH of you to own up to it and commit to putting some effort into the act.
Its pretty selfish to just lay there and say, "Well, I'm not turned on, he didn't turn me on, so I'm not going to enjoy this. Better yet, I'm going to resent him because of it, but I won't do anything about it or talk to him about it. I'll just let it go on as it has been, he'll be none the wiser - but I'll still be miserable about it....."
That type of approach doesn't do ANYTHING to remedy the situation.
Bring it up again - if he gets mad - let him get mad, tough sh*t to him. Be calm but firm that this is an issue that is driving a wedge between you two and while you voice your concerns, also bring up some positives and ideas on how YOU think the two of you can improve things.
Best of luck to you. To be "trapped" in a situation like this is absolutely no fun and is a very lonely marriage.
2 minutes ago
Source(s):
Been there, done that, its getting better - but you have to work on it ....
2007-12-19 06:17:28 · answer #3 · answered by Bob D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even though you may not want it, this is what you need to do....
Initiate it. When you are intiating it, tease and play with him. Get a little kinkier than what he is used to. Do not allow penetration. Make him work for everything you are about to give him. When you feel that he has satisfied the foreplay portion of the interlude, then let him do his thing. If he is like anything like the majority of the male population, this will be a major turn on for him. He will see how much the foreplay excited him. He will definitely return the favor next time.
Word of advice, if you try this, then don't say "Now you see? That's how it's supposed to be done." afterwards. Best thing you can do is compliment him for a job well done. This boost to his ego will change his outlook on foreplay.
2007-12-19 05:41:30 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
You really do need counselling. You are building up alot of resentment towards him, and if it gets too deep it is very hard to reverse it. You have done the right thing by trying to talk to him yourself and that didn't work. If he cares about his marriage and u then he will go to counselling with u, but even if he won't u need to go for u. Sex is not to be some cold humping session for the guy. It is supposed to be an act of love and excitement for both people, to bond u closer together, not further apart. He is being very selfish, and u need to take a stand before its too late. Good luck
2007-12-19 05:41:35 · answer #5 · answered by Amber 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The two of you need therapy. There are so many things going on here. It's not just about the sex. He should understand your need and want to please you. You should understand his need and want to please him. My guess is the relationship needs help outside the bedroom. When you've fixed that, you'll probably find the stuff going on inside the bedroom is far more enjoyable.
See a counselor. Your only other option is to have some serious discussion together and make a plan for how you're going to fix it. If you don't, it's not going to be pretty.
2007-12-19 05:38:09 · answer #6 · answered by Holly 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'll probably get flamed for this response but oh well.....
You are a contradiction in your own statement. You state, "Ever since my daughter was born i have not been in the mood to have sex." Yet you go on to state that you are dissatisfied with him not pleasing you...
You also state that he is so into getting his that you could just lay there like a bump on a log and he wouldn't notice.... Well, I call B.S. on this one. He probably CAN tell you;re not that into it. If he feels you don't care or like it and are only giving him a "pity f*ck" to keep him from cheating on you, then why the hell wouldn't he just worry about getting his rocks off and getting on with life?
I would agree that he could do a better job of TRYING to get you in the mood, but I'd also venture to guess he has tried in the past and you either turned him down, or you made him feel like you were doing him a favor by having sex with him. Well, from a guy's point of view, then its very easy to just say - "F-it, I'll at least get mine, she's not going to enjoy it no matter WHAT I do...."
Sex after the baby is a tricky thing, my wife and I are just now getting back into sync after baby #2 and the kid is almost a year old already !!!
With that said - good sex (like a lot of things in life), is a matter of you get out of it what you put into it. At least he's making an effort to be intimate with you. What effort are YOU putting into the act other than resentment, attitude, and a general distain for your husband and the act itself ?
Yes - he needs to step up, but its not all him. You have a stake in the quality as well. The only way it will get bettter is for BOTH of you to own up to it and commit to putting some effort into the act.
Its pretty selfish to just lay there and say, "Well, I'm not turned on, he didn't turn me on, so I'm not going to enjoy this. Better yet, I'm going to resent him because of it, but I won't do anything about it or talk to him about it. I'll just let it go on as it has been, he'll be none the wiser - but I'll still be miserable about it....."
That type of approach doesn't do ANYTHING to remedy the situation.
Bring it up again - if he gets mad - let him get mad, tough sh*t to him. Be calm but firm that this is an issue that is driving a wedge between you two and while you voice your concerns, also bring up some positives and ideas on how YOU think the two of you can improve things.
Best of luck to you. To be "trapped" in a situation like this is absolutely no fun and is a very lonely marriage.
********************* EDIT *****************************
I just read your additional comments....
Honey, if you can't touch yourself and you yourself KNOW what turns you on and gets you off, the issue is more with you than with him. Sorry to say.
I would suggest some counselling to get past this ahedonia you are feeling. Its not bad, dirty, or wrong. How is HE supposed to be able to figure out how to please you when you don't even KNOW yourself?
Have you EVERY had an orgasm in your life? If so, then you nned to go back to what happened when it "worked" for you, then mood, the timing, the smells, everything.
Please get some help on this - if you don't its a shame for both you and him.
Best of luck....
2007-12-19 05:57:55 · answer #7 · answered by aa889d 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am in the EXACT same situation with my husband though it has been like this since we got married. I have not once had an orgasm since being with him and as long as he gets his then it does not matter, like you i could be laying there like a blimp and he does not even notice. I am always doing things to turn him on, he tells me to wear something sexy so i do but when i ask him to do something for me he does not want to and it drives me crazy. It doesn't even matter if i'm in the mood or not, he wants it when he wants it, if i do not want it he will still get it regardless. I have boughten toys to make things more interesting and so i could at least get mine but he never wants to bring it in. My sex life is soo boring and not even remotely pleasurable. I have thought about seeing a sex therapist but i'm not sure if i'd be wasting my money or not, i can just please myself whenever my husband is not around;
2007-12-19 05:45:24 · answer #8 · answered by Kasja 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Time for a good heart to heart talk. Having a two year old baby in the house isn't conducive a lot of the times for a great sex life. That's understood or should be by most intelligent people. However, you may want to sit him down and talk to him.
2007-12-19 05:36:51 · answer #9 · answered by nonameblonde 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry for your situation. If you have not already make sure to be open and honest with him about how you feel. Most men need to be trained to be attentive in bed, sad but true. I would also suggest some sort of counseling, it sounds like you may also have some communication issues and this is where intamacy issues usually start. If he will listen and try you will be amazed how a man who knows he can please his wife is more confident in everything else he does. Good luck!
2007-12-19 07:00:19 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
How are you not responsible for your own satisfaction? If the way he asks for sex is not what you like, then do something about it. Initiate sex YOUR way. Then you're saying the way he does it isn't good, but you're certainly not helping by laying there "like a bump on a log". So, take the initiative and have sex the way YOU want to have it. I don't understand why you think your failure to take the leadership in having satisfying sex is your husband's fault. He likes sex his way, so that's what he's doing. If you like sex a different way, then do it the way you want to do it when you initiate.
2007-12-19 05:53:31 · answer #11 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋