I recently caught my husband cheating on me. We've been married for 10 years so it really hurts. He said that he just did it for fun but didn't really want to hurt me. He said that he'll never do it again but I don't trust him anymore. I have forgiven him but I can't forget what he did. Now, he's complaining that I don't give him any freedom. I wasn't a controlling wife before but now, I'm turning to be one because I'm afraid that he's going to cheat again. This may push him away from me so I need some advise -- what should I do?
Also, he has lots sexual fantasies (i.e. having threesome) and asked me if it's ok. I'm not really cool with it but should I give in just to get that over with? I am thinking that if I'm a participant then I won't feel a lot of resentment towards him and also he will be more open to me. It might be better than him doing it behind my back.
2007-12-19 05:19:34 · 42 answers · asked by hot mama 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Thank you for all the replies. I just want to get people's opinions. I'm not giving in just to please DH and I'm glad people had shared their experiences. (and NO, I'm not the husband trying to get justification for my behaviour).
Since it's his first time to cheat after 10 years of marriage, I'm not just going to give up on him right away. My experience is indeed an eye-opener but it got us both to realize that our relationship is worth fighting for. I have given him an ultimatum though that I'm not going to forgive him next time.
Thanks again for the advices.
2007-12-19 06:39:43 · update #1
First off, I'm sorry for your circumstances. :( If your husband is truly sorry, then he will understand why you seem to be controlling--and want to do his best to earn your trust again. Guys don't seem to understand that trust is EARNED once it is broken. It will take a good deal of time-if ever that you fully trust him again. I recommend that y'all go talk to a relationship counselor that will help you to communicate to eachother better and help you to build your relationship stronger.
Sounds like your husband is obsessed with sex and sexual fantasies. If you "aren't really cool with it" doing a threesome will NOT fix things between you. It will drive a wedge between you like no other. I mean, you will see him right in front of your face pleasing another woman and him getting off on it. He should be only interested in you. I mean obviously he'll be attracted to other women, but acting on it is a completely different thing. If you go along with this thinking that it will help, you are mistaken. If you are not into this, it will continue to destroy you. Tell him that fanatasies are just that--FANTASIES. They are not called "realities". And shame on him for expecting you to comply--it's just cheating with your permission!
There are PLENTY of other ways to spice up the bedroom that don't require a third party. And if you are anything like me, it's difficult to be intimate if there is no trust between the two of you. Chances are he broke your heart and things won't be right until it mends.
I really do recommend seeing a professional. They can talk to the both of you and y'all can go from there. Best wishes for you! :o) Hang in there, it gets better.
2007-12-19 05:36:52 · answer #1 · answered by Ang 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love him try to explore some of his fantasies the one's that your are comfortable with. Having a 3 sum may make you picture him cheating on you with the other woman and cause problems. I agree that him cheating will cause you to really watch him like a hawk and if he loves, wants to be with you then this is what he has to deal with. My thing is he married you know what you were into and what you were not into why change now. I would use caution at all time i;m not saying you can't get through this but it's going to take alot of work
2007-12-19 05:47:06 · answer #2 · answered by Debbie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A threesome is just another way to cheat but with you there. Honestly I would have to say that if you can't forget and now you don't trust him what is your marriage based on now? My dad did the same thing to my mom and now to my stepmom. My mom left him she wouldn't put up with it. My dad & stepmom have been married for 20 years and just a few years ago he cheated. My mom spoke to my stepmom and said why don't you just leave him to which she replied that she wasn't strong enough to do that and she didn't want to be alone. Now every time my dad does something out of his normal routine she is suspicious. Don't be with someone because you don't want to be alone, you don't want to become a doormat. And from the response that he gave about doing it for fun, it doesn't seem like he respects your marriage very much. I think personally I would feel better if he had an affair with someone he had feelings for rather than just going out and screwing for the hell of it. Just remember that even if he doesn't do it again (which neither one of you really knows for sure) you will always be suspicious and that's not fair to you.
2007-12-19 05:43:50 · answer #3 · answered by angel32984 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. What a jerk. Completely insensitive to your feelings as his wife. He cares only for himself without an ounce of remorse for his cheating actions. And now he wants a 3-some? You'd feel more than just a little resentment if you participate in something like that which isn't what you want. Time to dump his sorry excuse for a husband and find yourself a good man. If you continue to stay in this, you have no one to blame but yourself. He's obviously laying his ways out in the open now.
2007-12-19 05:39:42 · answer #4 · answered by nonameblonde 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He will cheat again so stop being afraid of the unknown just expect it and you will have more sanity.
I would not do the three some most people that do have many regrets.
I would question if he truely loves you to want the women he loves to have a three some.
This behaivor is coming into the open it is only going to get worse.
If you have kids together like lots of them then I would stay and stop keeping tabs on him. In the mean time act as if your stupid and don't care and fix things in your life like maybe go to school or get a better job make yourself independent of him.
Then the minute the kids are old enough I would tell him go to hell.
If you have one kid move on!
I am telling you this man will cheat again and again.
If I was married had a good husband who supported his kids and he cheated I would play stupid until I bettered my life.
By the way if he wants to cheat he will no matter how many tabs you keep.
I have a good friend who is married known him for 8 years.
He does allot of stuff for me works on my house my business ect...
His wife has no clue and trust me she keeps tabs on him.
She calls sometimes when he is doing things for me he lie's to her tells her he is at work ect...
Thank god I am a good women and would never do anything with him.
But I do enjoy that he does alot of work for me for free.
I did not even know he was married until a few months back he was in a car accident and asked me to bring him food when I showed up at his house I seen the wedding pictures.
He been married 5+ years I never knew it!
Even though we are just friends it just goes to show you how a man can cheat and his wife would never know.
I even call the house when I need him to do work for me.
If a man wants to he can cheat and you controling him will only make him angry.
Sorry for what your going through but that is part of the reason why I am single trust me when I tell you this most men cheat stay with him if he is a good man otherwise
2007-12-19 05:46:48 · answer #5 · answered by lisalisa 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First, let me say how sorry I am. My husband I I have been together for 10 years (married for 7) and we have had some very real conversations about the repercussions of cheating in our relationship. It seems to me, that your husband is going to take this as far as you will allow him to. The 3-some is an absolute deal breaker. The risks of this behavior are not only damaging to your relationship, but potentially to your health. You need to make some decisions for yourself about how you want to be treated in this marriage and have a heart-to-heart conversation with your husband. It's definitely time to take some action...counseling perhaps. Please don't beat yourself up about this. Your concern now is a direct result of HIS behavior. Don't let him convince you that this is your fault. He cheated and no matter what the circumstance that is unacceptable.
2007-12-19 05:31:20 · answer #6 · answered by Jenni Mae 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow sorry to hear that about your hubby. Well you have to ask yourself if you will ever forgive and forget his past and cheating and he needs to be regaining your trust back. You can't do that on your own. So it takes two to tangle. It seems like he isn't doing his part since he is still asking you to participate in threesomes (form of cheating to me). I wouldn't trust him either if he was my husband and if he truly meant the stuff about not wanting to hurt me or never doing it again don't you think his attitude towards you would be different? He needs to work on his part and you need to work on yours that is the only way this marriage will work out in the end. If you think or feel that can't be then there is no point of sticking around.
2007-12-19 05:24:18 · answer #7 · answered by Txgirl23 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First of all, trust me, do not have a threesome or do anything that you aren't comfortable and may regret. I know several couples that experimented like this and it never ended well and someone always got hurt.
Second of all, it may be that you husband is a sex addict. There is counseling available to see if this is the case and to give both you and he support as he goes through treatment.
Lastly, as far as him saying that he has no freedom and you are controlling, what did he expect? He lied, had an affair, broke his wedding vows etc..., You have every right to have trust issues and he is just going to have to live with it.
2007-12-19 05:46:15 · answer #8 · answered by wondermom 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm all for fulfilling my husbands fantasies but bringing in someone else is where I draw the line! if he felt he couldn't live with out threesomes he should have went out and did it before he made a commitment to one woman. You guys better go to marriage counseling because how can he trip on you not giving him any freedom when he just got caught cheating?
2007-12-19 05:27:17 · answer #9 · answered by A J 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
One thing I hear consistently from people who engage in threesomes and swinging is that it can make a good marriage better, but it will usually make a bad marriage worse. A threesome is not your solution, I feel certain.
But what to do? I think your husband has a pretty bad attitude for someone who got caught cheating. He should expect to have to live his life openly and accountably for quite awhile, until you have rebuilt your trust. Instead, he's complaining about not having freedom.
I wonder if he's a sex addict, because he sounds a lot like one. I'm saying this as someone who has been to numerous 12-step meetings for his own sex addiction. Your husband sounds very hard to deal with -- I'm sorry for you.
2007-12-19 05:27:14 · answer #10 · answered by Happy-2 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋