Should I stay or go?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years. We have a daughter together. But within the last few months, I have felt myself growing further and further away from him.
At this point, I could care less if we stayed together or not, and I'm not sure why exactly I feel this way. He does things to get on my nerves (still sucks his thumb-and he's almost 23) he is harder on my son, then our daughter (but he is older-3 and she is 1) He doesnt work, but he does stay at home with the kids, so we dont have to pay for childcare. Among other things.

I just dont feel that electrifying attraction to him that I once did, and I dont know what to do. If he leaves, the kids will be put in daycare, and he will have no place to live. Part of me feels like I keep him around for the convenience. But I also feel sorry for him, because I know that he wouldnt have a place to go, a car to get him there, and a possibility of no child support.

Answer 1

oh boy, he's a loser, sorry, but, it's true... if he does not get a job soon he will show his son (your son from a previous relationship?) how to um, what's the word, be a leach for his whole life?

a man is supposed to be provider... yes, sometimes I understand a man can't work, but, sounds to me like he can, he just doesn't, because you don't make him =(... and no, you should not have to make him, sigh =(...

I'd say a separation is in order... perhaps if he got a job and acted like a man instead of a baby, you might like him again! =)

he can stay in a homeless shelter, if needed... if he gets mad, too bad...

I'd say kick him to the curb if he does not get a job in a month, even if it's McDonald's... if people can eat there they can work there too...

think of the example he's setting for the kids... time for him to grow up!

good luck!

child support will make him pay eventually...

Answer 2

You knew he sucked his thumb when you got involved with him; so that's not an issue. You also know he doesn't want to work, but that he saves you money by watching the children. If he keeps the house and cooks, that's also a plus. If he's harder on your son--because your son is older and requires more discipline, that's not a problem either, as long as the discipline is not abusive.

Rolls have changed, where the woman sometimes works and the man maintains the household. It only becomes a problem when the man doesn't hold up his end, or when the woman gets tired of carrying the financial load. You may have gotten tired and now see your boyfriend as an unproductive burden. You must re-evaluate the relationship now. Is it that you no longer love him, or that you want him to become a more productive person? Is this why the thumb sucking and his treatment of your son is now an issue? Is it that you feel sorry for him now, or are you simply burned out, so that anything he does irritates you?

The one thing you left out, when you wrote about him leaving is that if he leaves, the kids will have no father in the home. How important is this to you? You may not have the electrifying attraction to him now, but you still have compassion and you care about his circumstances, which means that you still care about the man. I might suggest that you hang in there a while longer, or at least until the baby is older. You might take a course, or otherwise enhance your job situation; so that your earning capacity will take the hit, if he leaves. What I'm suggesting is that you don't lose sight on the future. As things stand now, this man is serving a purpose in your life. You're serving one in his, as well. Granted, he's not financially productive and he still sucks his thumb, but you're able to work and provide for your kids while he's there. Don't have anymore children with him, but be wise enough to keep him around, if it's just for convenience, until you feel able to handle the whole load. With a 1 year old at home, you may not be ready now.

As far as the attraction is concerned, find the humor in this. Here's a 23 year old guy who is content to stay at home with the kids and suck his thumb. He's not materialistic, because if he were, he'd want a car of his own. He's not cheating on you, because he's happy just to be at home with his family. He's not a mean or cruel person, he's not that bad to look at, and he accommodates you otherwise. Still, he sucks his thumb! It's hilarious. Try to hang in there a while longer. Take some time off, if you can. When you're ready, talk to him about getting a job. Don't be surprised if he doesn't do so, though. He's a stay-at-home guy, not a 9 to 5 provider.

Best wishes to you!

Answer 3

He needs to get a job. That's why he's so hard on your son as he wishes he could be that age again and have no hassles. By staying at home he has no interests so he's become less attractive to you. You're probably meeting new people every day and then coming home and he's still the same. The daycare costs will be worth it if you want to hang onto the relationship. Research day care places first, his wages can pay for it. He's definitely got to get a job. Also tell him that the thumb sucking irritates you. It's not right at his age. He needs to socialise with other people and can only do that if he's working. Check out job websites and look at one's that go with his experience and interest. Then tell him what you've found.

Answer 4

You say that he sucks his thumb like it is something you just noticed. Perhaps what the two of you need to do is to have a romantic night out without the children. Maybe what you need is to see what it is about your boyfriend that you fell in love with.

It is good that you say that his being at home is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with the woman being the provider and the man being at home. Rather than feeling sorry for him, support him in his efforts to care for your children.

Talk to him about how he approaches the children. Tell him taht he seems to be harder on one child than the other. Tell him that he should treat both children the same and that with some care and understanding both children will learn much more.

Do not feel sorry for him. The lifestyle that the two of you have came from both of you. There is a reason that things are the way they are. You are the go getter and he is the homebody. There is nothing wrong with that. Many women have spent their lives home taking care of their children. Why can't the roles be reversed?

Take care,
Troy

Answer 5

So do you want totally lose all feelings for this dude if so then don't change a thing. Eventually you will despise him. Tough love would make him grow up. He is stalled in child hood. It doesn't matter if he was never taught to be responsible, to work etc he has to learn it now or forever be a bum.
Some men become a man at 20 some not till 45 and some never.

Answer 6

well 1st let me say i am sorry for your situation. I have been in 1 similar before although no kids were involved it was still a difficult predicament. I think you really have to think what is best for the kids and you. ultimately they are the ones your concerns should be placed with after all he is an adult. Pitying him wont help either.. this is completely my opinion but i think in for the long run either talk with him and try to work it out and if that doesn't help maybe you should move on..

Answer 7

Personally, I think you should leave. You can’t be a babysitter no longer for your bf – He has become somewhat of a bum (sorry to say) with no life goals or a job to support your family.
I know you want the best of your kids but think of your happiness as well. But if you tried opening to your bf about your future and don’t see a resolution. Its time to pack and leave. Don’t feel guilty on your part.

Answer 8

get into couples councelling, and try to figure out what is going on.

you said you don't feel electirfying attraction, but u didn't say if you still loved him or not.

the attraction thing only stays for so long, til we get comfortable with the other person

maybe you guys just need to rekindle some passion

it's worth a try for the kids, and yourselves.

good luck

happy holidays

Answer 9

You have 3 children, that is why you are not attracted. The man is supposed to provide and lead, not live off of you. Daycare sucks, but so does teaching youur children that this is what real life is all about (cause it's not)

Answer 10

Forget your feelings.

Now and for the rest of your life put the feelings and needs of your children first.

Merry Christmas