what do you think abt this poem?

Question

I feel so lonely,
As a leave floating
This leave going up and down
In the wind sometimes a little up,
when u smile to me
Sometimes really down!

As all the words are poor, and small to say
What my heart feels for you!
Which the words that reach the mountain,
the light, the melody that I see in you?

How many words are necessary to say I miss
when they cannot have you here!
How humble these words are ,
That in this indifferent paper,
Are the pale expression of the thoughts!

Answer 1

I like the middle part. The rest of it can go (no offense) as it is not as powerful and seem to be three different starts of a poem stuck in one poem.

Answer 2

There's a bit of a discontinuity between the first stanza and the other two... the second two talk about words, the first one doesn't, it talkes about leaves.

I'll have to agree on that middle stanza. I like it a lot. I don't know if I like using the word "mountain", a different word would provide more meaning for me... nothing else in the poem really talks about mountains, so it kinda sticks out.

The last few lines are very poetic, but they don't ... fit, exactly. You go from developing a theme revolving around natural elements to bringing the reader back into the awareness that they are reading words on a paper.

So, I guess I would suggest elaborating your themes. The leaf theme isn't bad... work with it some more. What do leaves do besides float around? Might they float past something else that would tie in with the rest of your poem? Can you tie something at the end of the poem that will bring it in line with the beginning? You write about how words are poor and small... what other things are poor and small? What other things are humble? Back to leaves - do they have special properties besides falling off at a certain time of year?

I'm actually seeing a few different directions you could go with this. Keep writing!


Saul

Answer 3

Aside from Spell check and finessing the piece (no offense) I find these words to have the greatest impact.

"As all the words are poor, and small to say"

Steven Wolf

Answer 4

it's okayyy.
I'd give it a 5 in a scale of 1 to 10.