Relationship adivce? I was wondering if anyone had any helpful suggestions?

Question

Suggestions on how to make a breakup a little less painful? I love the person I'm breaking up with very much but things just are not working. They had moved about five hours away from thier home to move in with me and have started grad school. So when I break up with them things could potentially be very messy (since they are going to have to move out but can't go bakc to thier home becuase of school, etc.) I would love some suggestions on how to ease the pain a bit. Thanks.

yes I'm an ***. I know "throwing them out" seems cold which is why I'm asking for help. I don't really want to have to,. but I don't see how we can breakup and still live together

Things that contibuted to my decision:

she lives with me rent free and utility free

I do all the house cleaning, house repairs, take out the garge, mow the lawn, all the cooking, all the pet care (after an agrument she does do the laundry)

If she does do anything around the house she gets mad at me for not noticing and saying thank you

She gets mad at me if i'm not home when she gets there(which means i've had to stop going to the gym)

She threatens to leave me for lifestyle choices (for example I have been thinking about going vegan)

We go months without intimacy and when we are it isn't the same

When i go to kiss her she turns her head so i kiss her check, or when she kisses me she turns her check , or sometimes even refuses to even kiss me (like a quick peck goodbye before going to work for example)

And the final straw...she has finals this week. She studied with a class mate form 4:00 pm -1230am on sat., then got up sun and left the house at 11:00 am and went to study again, she stayed at the classmates house sun night becuase of a snow storm, classes where cancelled mon so she had all day mon. to study. I called her on my lunch breakl to see if she wanted to take a break a get a bite to eat and she said no she has to study. Then she text messaged me she was spending the night at the classmates house again, I called upset but she said she could not talk because she had to study. I asked her to step out of the room for five mintues so we could talk and she said ther was no where in the apartment she could go were she would not be heard, She didn't contact me tuesday either until I text her at 945 pm where she said she was staying at the classmates house again but "she would make it up to me".

We have dated now for 3 years. She has lived with me for a year and a half. She is just now finishing her first semestar of grad school.

I guess what my wnating to break up boils down to is I often feel more like her mother then partner. And I don't feel she treats me with much respect. I now she has finals... I now she's stressed... but taking five minutes to explain the situation to your upset partner seems like a nop brainer to me....

Answer 1

I think you posted this in the wrong catagory, but I'll bite.

Wow. What a situation. Congratulations on being considerate enough to look for ways to ease the transition for this person. My sister went through this exact same thing. She moved 18 hours away to be with a man after school - took a job in the town where he was attending graduate school. He dumped her shortly after they were there, and then was vicious with her when she tried to stay in contact with the friends she had made (her only friends) through him.

I think you have to remain firm that the relationship is over (no waffling!), but you have to remain kind. This person will transition, but it will take time for them to get established. Fortunately, grad school provides friends and a social environment.

Help when you can with moving, finding a place, check on them once a week or so, etc, be aware they may be angry with you, but....be clear with what you are doing. Tell them you care even though the relationship will not continue and you want to help. Accept their anger (so long as it is not abusive) without being angry back at them. They will not remain angry forever and when life moves on they will realize it was all for the best.

BTW, my sister moved on and has been married to a great guy for 21 years. Things work out even after we hit rough patches.

Answer 2

Just tell them. Write a letter if you have to.

Do not lie. Do not cover up the truth in an effort to save them pain - all that will do is make them think they just have to fix stuff and it'll all be OK.

Be frank but not mean. Tell them you think it's for the best for both of you, and you wish him well. If he is a great guy (presumably) tell him so and tell him he will make some lucky girl very happy. It's just that you are not the lucky girl.

If he gets nasty don't get sucked into it. Understand that it will hurt him badly and getting nasty is a normal reaction - if he says awful stuff - just let it go.

Answer 3

I can relate to your situation. It's never easy to tell somebody you still love and care about that things aren't working out. The only thing to do is bite the bullet and be honest. It may seem harsh but it's the kindest thing in the long run.

Answer 4

tell them things aren't working out, let them stay there till they find a place, but make sure they know they gotta look, and that u will date other ppl b4 they move out, and dont care if they do too.

Answer 5

You just need to do it sooner rather than later.

By the way, I don't think you are a cold *****. I think you are mature and looking at this in a reasonable manner.

Merry Christmas.

Answer 6

Just be honest with him, Tell him how you feel and that you dont want to try to make it last longer when in the end that it will just hurt more.

Answer 7

You got them to move in with you and now you are throwing them out? Nice.

Answer 8

You want us to help you be rotten. Gee thanks. How nice of you to think so highly of us all.

Answer 9

Tana, why do you want to do this. Please provide the basis if you want real suggestions.