What makes our parents to dump their parents in home for the aged when they old and fragile ?

Question

Won't their hearts be broken when they are at the end of their journey ?

Answer 1

"Judge not lest ye be judged."

I have a good friend who had to put her mother in a specialized nursing home for Alzheimer's patients. My friend works all day and could not leave her mother alone in her home. She had fallen several times, nearly burned the house down and left the safety of the house and wandered in the neighborhood, lost on several ocassions. Her Dad is 85 and fragile himself and he is destroyed that they had to put his wife of 56 years in the Alzheimer's home but realized that it was safer for her. The stress of caring for her was a full time job and killing him. It was traumatic for the entire family to put her Mom in the nursing home but they explored all the safe options and there were none.

It's very unfair to stand in judgement.

Answer 2

I do feel that you are generalising a little ! Every family situation is different. I work in an aged-care facility, and in my section we care for severely affected Alzheimers people. These people are agitated, can be aggressive, are usually incontinent of urine and faeces, and require full assistance with every single aspect of daily living. They live in another dimension and have no idea who their family members are. By the time they come to us, their relatives have often been caring for them for years, 24/7 , and these carers are in their 60'-70's themselves. They are totally burnt-out. They are definitely not "DUMPING' their parents !

Even if the aged person is not suffereing dementia, they may well be so frail that they require the same 24/7 care, every day of the year. This is back-breaking and heart-breaking work for families , with no relief.

Never judge if you've not walked a mile in these people's shoes. The elderly are at the end of their journey, yes, but they cannot be assumed to become broken-hearted when they go into a care facility. Many of them say that if they'd known how nice it was, they'd have come in earlier. These places are not horrible, the staff do everything they can to make life pleasant for the residents, and caring families visit often. Its not a horrible way to end your journey, its just one of the options that may happen.

Bless you for giving this some thought. You obviously care about the elderly. Maybe you could volunteer some time in a facility to see what they are like ? I think you'd be pleasantly surprised.

Answer 3

It's usually because these older people have particular needs that need more attention and care than can be received at their residence. For example, if a person has Alzheimers or has had a stroke, then a hospital can do their best to help, but it won't be able to give long-term care. Relatives are not equipped or trained to deal with the special needs, and it is very stressful giving 24/7 care to someone who needs constant care. So, it often results in the unpleasant task of having to move someone to a home for the aged. Nobody likes this process -- it is very hard on all parties, and I don't know of anybody who "dumped" their parents into a home.

Answer 4

It is really a heartbreaking thing to have to put a parent in a home. I went thru that with my father; he grew unmanageable near the end of his life, and he had been living with me. But I was single, and working, and couldn't be there with him all day, and I was afraid he would set the house on fire, or something as he also grew very forgetful. He refused to have a caregiver come in, wouldn't trust anybody else in the house, and ran away (like a kid but he was 91). So when the police finally found him hiding in the woods, after I reported him missing, (and they put him in a mental ward for a week) I moved him to a very nice residential care center just about a mile from me. He was happier there with people to talk to, and I visited him several times a week, and took him out shopping once a week or to eat at a restaurant, or back to my house and fixed him dinner. It went on like that until he died at 93.

Answer 5

It's not "dumping" when you can't care for them as they need to be cared for. Many of us would rather be in a nursing home, having strangers change our diapers, than at home having our children do so. If all your life, your children have come to visit you, a nursing home can be a place they can still come visit you, and find you clean and dressed and sitting up to receive them.

There are, however, more and more services that will come to your home and help care for you or your parent, and that's a fine thing.

Still, though everyone hopes not to end up in a nursing home, most of us will spend at least a few weeks in one at the end of our lives. It's not the usual thing for people to die in good health.

If you're 85 or 90, remember, your significant other is likely to be the same age, and your children are likely to be 70 or so. Taking care of a dying person can be, physically, more than these people can do.

Answer 6

Yes, you are right, people should quit their jobs, go on welfare and a medical card in order to care for their own children and for their elderly parents. There is no way to work full-time and provide for your own family and care for the needs of an elder at the same time. We should devote every minute of our days and nights to the care of an elder. Of course, the probability of our spouse wanting a divorce will increase drastically, but that's just the risk you take. Anyone ranting against placing a loved one into a nursing home - please explain to me how you work full time and care for your loved one at the same time. If you have someone come into the home to care for the elder, it will cost an arm and leg for skilled care. I suspect that many who rant against placing a loved one in a nursing home have either never taken care of an elder themselves, or if they have, they are extremely wealthy. And also, people are assuming that the child of the elder is in good health themselves! Some of us have illnesses such as Multiple Sclerosis and have a hard enough time just taking care of our own families! And for a final note, if you have been raised by an abusive parent who is still verbally abusing you, for your own sanity you can not care for this person 24/7. It sure as hell wouldn't be fair for my husband and child to endure the verbal abuse from this parent that I have had to all my life.

Answer 7

I just left my dad's apartment an hour ago, again agonizing over what we are going to do. He is 91 and doing so well for his age, except that he leaves at night to go to his volunteer jobs at the library and the church thrift shop; he seems to get confused in the evening. I've tried everything I can think of to prevent this. I have given him all kinds of clocks that have huge numbers, a giant PM sign, the day and date, etc. and begged him not to go out if it is dark. He has many friends and neighbors who help look out for him, but we are all very concerned. What if he is out in the dark and slips and falls? What if he is attacked? The times I have made him stay with us, he leaves in the night. Our only answer is to move him in with us and put alarms on the doors, but when he stays here, as much as we try to make him feel comfortable and at home, he isn't in his own home, and that's where he wants to be. It truly is an agonizing dilemma. We love our dad dearly with all our hearts and want to do what is best for him. We would never make a decision out of our own selfish motives. We just need a sign from above to tell us just what is best. We don't know.

Answer 8

I'm sure there are those who "dump" their aged family members, but in most cases, their infirmities are beyond their ability to care for them. They need professional people who are there round the clock for them. When we visit someone in a nursing home, those services are behind the scene, so it may just look like he/she is in a "home". I've worked in a nursing home and we tried our best to make our residents feel at home and wanted, but they needed the help we were hired to give them. My mother has Alzheimer's now. Dad, who is 83, is home all day with her, and I'm there with them during alll my non-job hours. I must keep working, as I have no other means of support. The day will come when we are no longer able to meet her needs. It makes me terribly sad, but unless she dies of something before that time, she will go into a home.

I've found that people themselves decide what is the end of their journey. Some go into a nursing home and just give up. Others just look at it as a change of life. They make friends, they have hobbies, they appreciate every day.

Answer 9

Most people do not dump their parents in a nursing home as a matter of choice..my mom had someone come in twice a day to help her shower and dress in the morning and undress
and get ready for bed @ night..her husband helped her during the day..I live 90 miles away, one brother lives 250 miles away the other lives 500mile away.. I would go see her @ least once a month..my brothers saw her every 2 or 3 months, but called frequently. she eventually had to go to a nursing home as her husband could no longer care for her and her house was not handicap accessible..{bathrooms} My brothers and their wives were working, I get around with great difficulty and our houses are not handicap friendly, so we had no choice but to move her into a nursing home. It was a difficult decision, but it had to be done..we did not dump her..

Answer 10

Well, I am a carer for my very elderly father so I am qualified to tell you. Very often, when people get very old, they reach a point where they need more care than the average person can give. They may wet or defecate on themselves; they may exhibit aggressive behaviour;they may wander - al sorts of things can happen. An elderly female acquaintance had to put her husband in a home because he started to urinate all round the house, he became aggressive to her and hurt her, he often didn't recognise her.
It is easy to say it is cruel to put them in homes and they should stay in their own homes, but if they get to the point where they need to be lifted in and out of bed, onto the toilet,into the shower - then many people like myself don't have the strength to do that. I know of my Dad gets to that state, because I have osteoarthritis, I won't be able to care for him any longer.

Answer 11

I agree with Jersey Girl about judging. We never know until we're in that position. Often one person in a household is expected to manage the home, the children, probably a job as well. The elderly parent who needs constant care needs to be in a safe environment where that care is available 24/7. Do you really think this is an easy decision for a family to make? Not at all. It is painful and there is guilt. The best decision needs to result in what is best for all concerned.