I can't decide to stay married or divorce, can you help?

Question

It's very hard to decide right now what I want. I know that me and my husband are not compatible. We have totally different personalities. We have accepted our differences, and are just living with eachother ignoring how far apart we are. I am outgoing, adventurous, want to have fun, have a positive life perspective, for me life is just too short not to enjoy it. My husband is totally different, he is too emotional, loves sad movies, gets easily stressed with his own or other's problems. He keeps everything to himself, and wants to stay inside all the time. After living together for 2.5 years and having a kid, and struggling to compromise, we have reached to the point that he watches his own sad movies in his room, I have a seperate room and I watch my own comedies. I go out with my friends, and have my own life, and he stays in because that's what he wants. We barely talk, maybe one or 2 words a day. We had sex 3-4 times during the past 2 years, and basiccally we are in repression!

I have a very high libido and his is non-existant. We have talked and he admited that the problem is not me, it's him because he doesn't have a sex drive. He has helped me get my USA greencard, so I feel guilty if I get divorced, but we are even worst than roommates, because there is nothing we share to talk about. What shall I do?

To be honest I tried counseling alone, because he refused to come. And the counselor said I should get divorced because you can't change anyone if they don't want to. But it's not simple, I feel guilty if I do.

I have tried to understand him in the past for the first 1.5 years of the marriage, compromised by staying in, watching his favourite movies, sympathize his sad attitude, but it made me totally depressed and I worked hard to be where I am now, enjoying life alone!

I have read the five love languages book and discussed it with him, and suggested him seeing a doctor for possible depression. I found my love language is touch and his is gifts. I gave him lots of gifts for 3 months, but he didn't try touching me. He just responded I am not a touchy person. And regarding depression, he responded that he has always been like this, it's his personality, and he enjoys being as he is, with no intention to change, and no doctor needed.

He is good with the kid, he loves her, gives her compliments, plays with her, but when it comes to me, there is the silence!, well, no, I am afraid I am not happy in the marriage. My counselor suggested he is emotinally abusive, but I don't think so, I just think we are incompatible.

Answer 1

If you're considering divorce, or you've been served with divorce papers, you're probably confused and concerned about the future. Fortunately, you don't have to sort it out alone. A local divorce lawyer can explain your rights and your options and help you make good decisions right from the beginning. Mistakes you make today could impact the final order in your divorce, and you can't afford to take changes with things like custody of your children, child support, and possession of your home.

If you are unhappy, then you have to do what is best for you, I hope I gave you some things to think about from what I wrote above.

Answer 2

You admit that u r in repression. why dont u try to get out of repression instead of depression.
In marriage, u should not think just about Ur fulfillment , but happiness of whole family including ur husband (ofcourse u include the child). What if u have been physically ill? is there any possibility of ur husband leaving u in that case? or might have got u cured by proper treatmernt? then y r u thinking of leaving him when he might be emoptionally unstable.
Try to understand him, do not judge him.
Sex is also very important part in life. prhaps he might be faering ur dissatisfaction during intercourse. (only one reason , besides many possibilities)
And I dont understand how a couple will not speak with each other, whatever differences are in persona, if they dont have ego problem.
Subside ur ego, take initiative on daily basis, without feeling hurt or unwanted.
ur husband needs u. otherwise he wud have told u.
U mst have thought about the responsibilities, parenthood brings with. Ur child's life and emotions are also important.
One last thing...
if all couselling/medication fails regarding sexual problem... have an discreet extra marital relationship.....
Dont get surprised.. I am NOT preaching religion or moral values here but trying to tell u the ways which will increse ur net happiness quotinent. an unfulfilled desire will destroy all relationships.

Answer 3

My very first reaction to your story is to get him to a doctor and find out if he requires depression medicine/therapy. I love to watch sappy movies now and again, but I love my comedies and musicals as well. For someone to want to basically lock themselves away from the world and watch sad movies, that's depressing. And if that person is already depressed, that's worse.
My second reaction is - you never once mentioned how your spouse is with your child. Happy? Sad? Angry? Is he involved at all? Are they close?
And finally, are you happy? Is your married life stable and content enough that you could manage it until your child is 18 y/o? If no, here's what I suggest ...

You said he refused counseling - that means he's not interested in fixing your marriage. He's content to leave it as is. But you aren't happy with it as is - which leaves you with one choice. (well, ok, 2 - but you won't be happy staying)
Your only choice is to divorce him. Remaining in an unhappy and unstable marriage for a child is bad for everyone. Resentment and regret grows and festers - and can occasionally cause "revenge". You're mad at each other for everything, or nothing, and always argue. This isn't good for anyone.
I suggest filing for legal separation, or just file for a divorce, and state in your file why you are filing. Be honest.
I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Most of the times opposites attract. There have been be differences. But each partner needs to appreciate and share these differences.

Me and my husband are the same. Each of us has changed a little to accomodate the other's likes/dislikes. I think it has to work that way in a marriage.

And if you love spending time on your own that's ok too. As long as you also spend time together... good time together... where you enjoy doing some things together.

Was getting a greencard your only motivation to marry him... If yes, then you probably need to rethink of the marriage.

You also need to think of your child. If at all ends you are off the marriage, then there's no point sticking around.

Answer 5

I am pretty much going through something similar at the time, not knowing weather to go "the right way" or to go "my way", so I think I can imagine a bit how you feel. Having the kid makes it more complicated for you though...If you look at when you first met, how were things back then? do you think you can come back to how things used to be? For me I am missing something that I can see now was never really there, but in your case it sounds more like you have drifted apart, and then it might be hope. BUT If he is not willing to do what he can to fix the current problems, and not willing to change himself, well - what can you do? You deserve to be in a relationship where the other half at least tries.. Nobody is perfect, but we can all do something about ourselves..so can he if he wants to.

Answer 6

First I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel about this life you are living. You say you have been married 2.5 years you didn't know how he was when you married him.If divorce is what you feel you need to do then by all means go for it.But there other ways to injoy life with out dumping the sad sag, you can have your life and he can have is boring unliving life.It's kind of hard starting from what you have there to finding a new place,all the things you have there a roof over your head,money,and a child.Your sex life is still going strong were his has petered out to who care about sex. Stay married and let him have his boring life and you injoy life the way it was mat to be injoyed.Hell have your cake and eat it too f**k him you have a right to injoy life so do it.Hell maybe he will let you do what you want seeing he could care less about your sex life.

Answer 7

I would get divorced.

I was married about 10 years ago, and she would lie about stupid things. I didnt really care for that once I lost trust in her I stuck around for another year thinking that it would be best for our kid. Then finally came to the point where i was like F*it I might be broke paying child support for 8 years but at least I dont have to put up with this crap.lol
ther is alot more to my reasoning I got divorced. I pretty much gave up everything that was in our apartment, because she wanted to live togather while we went through the divorcem i dint want that.

I moved in with my parents, met another girlfriend a few months later ended up moving in togather having a kid and left her about 5 years ago cause she turned into a drunk and cheated on me.

Now I'm 37(feel younger probably because I'm single) and live with my parents because I have 2 child support cases and can't afford a place. I feel I cant go out and date because I live with parents. , all my friends are married and I feel alone now .

I miss being in Love and in a relationship, But I am very glad I got out of thoes 2 relationships; I can't love someone who I don't trust. I think deep inside Im afraid of gettin hurt again so I don't present myself as intrested when I meet new friends. I wish I could change that feeling.

Dont stick togather for kids, when my daughters come over they see I am happy with them when they come over and we do things togather, and If I were to have stuck in the relationships, I would have probably been a grump and the kids would probably see us bickering and arguing all the time.

Answer 8

Why not try marital counseling first? Marriage is about commitment and about growth. It doesn't sound like there is physical abuse or cheating or anything of that sort going on. It just sounds like both of you need to put more effort into the marriage - to be committed to working these things out and to learn how to love each other. You might have to take the lead on this - and perhaps your husband will respond. Study your husband, learn how to really love him. Is your husband an introvert? Why not read books about introversion and see if you can meet your husband half way? (A great one is called "The Introvert Advantage".) Or maybe you have different "love languages" - different ways of expressing and feeling loved. Gary Chapman wrote a book about this ("The Five Love Languages"). There is a really good workshop called "Weekend To Remember" that might help (http://www.familylife.com/conferences/marriage.asp?DCMP=BAC-WTR+STATIC+RTC&ATT=MarriageRTC). And plenty of resources with the FamilyLife Today ministry. If you don't want ministerial resources, maybe you can try secular resources - I'm sure there are many.

Also, could it be that your husband is depressed? Tell him that you are concerned about him. Talk to him about your needs. See how you can meet his needs. For a while, concentrate on loving him. He might just open up to you.

Don't divorce until you've at least tried to work on the marriage. Try investigating these things or other suggestions before a considering a divorce. Remember that divorce will impact more than you two -- kids are involved. Commit to working on the marriage - you won't regret it.

All the best ...

C

RESPONSE:
Wow - you've really done a lot. I commend you for that. Perhaps you can try one more counselor - and find out if there is a medical cause for your husband's low sex drive. Depression can cause that as well. Would he see a doctor if you asked him to? You don't talk a lot - that is clear, but will he still listen to you? Does he still want to be married? (Have you asked him?) If so, then talk with him about the relationship - ask him what he thinks can be done to improve it. Don't blame him - just tell him that you'd like to be closer to him. I pray the very best for you ... it sounds like you are in a very tough situation.

RESPONSE #2
It sounds like you've tried so much and really want to make this marriage work, but that you've not gotten much back. If you have some people around you that can join with you in prayer about it, contact them. I will also pray about it as you make your decision. It is very tough. I've heard of some absolutely horrible marriages that have been restored - but the key is that both partners have to want it. I really hope that things work out for you - this is a lonely place to be. Do you know any older married couples that have also been through this - that are discrete? Maybe an older woman who you can talk to about this privately who can give you some advice? A face-to-face meeting with someone who is pro-marriage might help a lot because they'll continue to help you look for alternatives to divorce. Even if you end up divorcing, you will not regret that you put effort into trying to make the marriage work (you won't have to keeping wondering - "if I had only ...") I really do wish you the very, very best in whatever decision that you make. In the meantime, take good care of yourself - continue to do things that nurture your own spirit and that build up your child.

Answer 9

Marriage is something that takes hard work, when u meet people and they have been together for years what do u give them the credit for? I give the credit for staying together though all the getting on each others nerves having to work at each others difference's and all the rest and still staying together.

Answer 10

I know THAT YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION .you need to take steps to get divorced .life is too short to be stuck in a loveless relationship when you could be with someone who lights up your life. i have found happiness after 16years of an abusive marriage. i had 2 kids and was totally controlled by this man . 5 years ago i divorced him. i am now with my soulmate .someone who iv been waitin gfor all my life . never been happier .. take my advise .. get away from him ,YOU be the one in control of your life and happiness. i know its hard to begin with ,but it will be well worth it in the long run !!! best wishes