An old poem for you to review?

Question

Or whatever else you want to do with it. I don't care, really.

Acheron

The river slows and stagnates.
Days pass as months, not hours.
My heart beats calm and sedate,
As this sweet water sours.
Fickle time was never kind to me;
Never enough and now too much...
I believed I knew what was lonely,
Yet now I learn I knew not such.
Years will pass before the tide turns,
Carrying me back to your arms.
Time cares not about my concerns;
It worries not who it harms...
This emptiness is only filled by you,
Yet how long and much will do?

Answer 1

It seems a little ... contrived. Petulant. You're forcing this poem into these conventional restraints, and it doesn't fit them well. Your expending too much effort trying to force rhymes. Yes, stagnates rhymes with sedate, but for that to work, you need to change the inflection on sedate. Which doesn't work. Your style is old-fashioned. If you're trying to write in an archaic style, the poem can't be real. You are a modern poet. You speak in modern ways. Then write modern poetry. Not that you can't use poetic language, imagery, etc. But fickle time? That was cliché back in 1850. And, I don't know the whole idea of time not being kind to you, about you being a victim of fate is so...unlikely. I don't know what your (or your character's) history is, but your tone is so overly-put-upon that I'm inclined to think that whatever happened was entirely deserved. Also, except for the very beginning, you're narrating, rather than showing your poem. Where is the imagery? What picture is being painted with your words? Sorry if I'm being really harsh. I don't usually make comments like this. There's a lot of mediocre stuff that I ignore, because the author's won't get anything out of my criticism. It'll only hurt their feelings. But you seem to have some talent. I think that if you stopped trying to write in such an outdated style that you could write some powerful stuff. I love the idea of the river, especially the river Acheron. Your first line is great. If you'd continued, used the river as a metaphor for your loneliness and uncertain love, then this poem could have worked. The LAST thing you want to do in any kind of writing is sound self pitying. You should describe things in a way that make them seem sympathetic, not demand that the reader give you sympathy. And one way to do this is to use a metaphor.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I like your replay of time as a STAGNANT river; time is usually portrayed as a river flowing to the future, but you're waiting and time seems not to be passing at all. It's an original idea, illustrating the emptiness of the wait. It's reinforced by "years will pass before the tide turns," while in reality we know that the tide turns about every 12 hours. Great imagery. Keep writing!!

Answer 3

I am answering your poem with part of my poem

I or you will never know the sadistic power of love
The alluring dreamy and misleading of
The feelings of being in love
It could make you deliriously happy
And it could carry you to the edge of destruction
Not many survive against the addictive turmoil

No one is too strong or weak enough
To avoid love
I have seen the strongest and the weakest fall

Then I realized I was never strong
All I am a coward and a liar denying the emotion
I was afraid as it hit me hardest than the other mortals
I was afraid that I might get rejected
I have nothing to offer not even the truth…

Answer 4

Hmm. Bitterness...the taste that dims the sweetness of our so-called life. At the same time, a note of hope. Most excellently Gothic, my friend. I say, continue writing, you're damn good at it.

Answer 5

o i am sad i'm very sad
i'm sad as you can see
me me me me me me me me
me me me me me me