what to do about such in-laws ?

Question

when my in-laws visit me , we three start having problems. Me n my husband care for eachother but are not very demonstrative which troubles my in-laws as they are very lovey dovey and they feel me n my hubby dont love eachother and whole day I have to listen to their unsolicited advises about our defunt marriage in which btw we are having stress only becoz of their constant scrutiny n criticism. Another problem is they are always praising their daughter n son-in-law and comparing their kid to ours. How can I let them know without showing off that our life may be simple and understated yet we are indeed happy? And why do we have to be exact clones of them or their daugher n son-in-law . We are different but we are content with our ways and we dont want to change. We also dont believe in sitting n holding hands n gazing deep into eachothers eyes in front of them to prove that we love eachother. Finally they always want a lot of love n attention and create needless dramas so that we end

up giving them all our time n attention and hardly have any time/energy left for eachother. Even thou we shower then with thoughtful gestures n gifts , they are never satisfied and blame us for not loving them enough. My hubby escapes their drama as he goes to office but Im stuck at home with them. They also interfere a lot in how I bring up my kid and if I do things my way they sulk and I have to pacify them , I feel mentally exhausted by end of the day and I tired of there drama's . How can I tackle this diplomatically and yet have my space , time n peace of mind? I cant involve my hubby as he finds all this very petty and tells me to simply ignore their attention seeking drama's but i cant just ignore them. I do for sometime but afterall they are my guests and I cant be outright rude .Tks for ur responses

I know u mean well "ben there dun that " but ur advice is easier said than done. Guys I need some more specific n brilliant ideas to bell this one cat !

Answer 1

When they compare you to their son in law and daughter just respond in a nice way that everyone is different in this world this is why stores have variety. _____ and I enjoy our private time together and do not need to have public displays of affection to prove we love each other.

As far as the kids go I would tell them both straight out you may not realize but I would like you to stop comparing my children to their cousins. Each child is special and has different gifts and talents. There is not 1 person in this world who is good at everything. Lets focus on the child and be proud of each one rather then compare them. In this house we do not do that.

Answer 2

You need to learn to stand up for yourselves. Maybe you should get some assertiveness training; that would help you a lot, but they sound VERY intrusive and obnoxious. Have them stay in a hotel, that will keep them from being around you all the time when they visit, so you get a break. There is nothing wrong with telling them that you and your husband love each other very much, but you don't believe in making a huge public display of that - ick, so do I, I woudn't be holding hands and eye gazing in front of someone else; actually that is RUDE for ppl to do! Tell them that you understand that simple good manners instruct ppl not to make public displays of affection; if they want to be all lovey and all over each other, they should get a room. Which is another good reason for them to stay in a hotel. Tell them, people are all different, that is why Heinz makes 57 varieties, and you don't need to prove anything to them. They sound like really immature people, and complete attention hogs - they are doing this because they are needy. The less time you spend w them, the better. Limit their visits to short periods, and who cares if they prefer the daughter and SIL; they are probably just as unbalanced. These people are TOXIC!

Your husband probably doesn't think too much of what they are doing, because (a) he is not there, and (b) he is used to this, he doesn't realize how insane his parents really are. So, you need to stand up for yourself and make it clear to him that his job is to support you. You need to be united on this. They are crushing you, and it is not healthy for your kid, either. NO ONE over the age of 5 has any business sulking; clearly you must understand they have mental health problems. Catering to them doesn't help. If you remember that they are mentally ill, and that you simply cannot please them, you may be able to smile inside and let it all bounce off you. And it will drive them even crazier to know that they aren't bothering you, so you can smile about that too - maybe they won't want to come back, LOL.

Answer 3

That's tough, I don't know why they would not just accept you two as you are and stop comparing and judging. Not cool. I would let them say their piece and listen than once they're completely spent saying what they gotta say, nod your head and say, yes I get what you're saying and it sounds reasonable,. And that's fine that they express their love but we do not do that,but, regardless, we are very happy with one another and very much in love. If you let them speak their mind and listen, and than assert yourself even after all that is said, than that should end the conversation. If it doesn't than.... I don't know what to tell you. When it comes to family you just gotta accept them how they are.

Answer 4

Tell them exactually what you just said to all us strangers in netherspace: either in person or in writing. The truth about how you feel, put right up front and out in the open will do the best good.

Answer 5

First, I would try to limit the number and length of their visits. Then, you need to practise being assertive in support of your marriage. Try one small thing and stand firm. With each effort you will gain more confidence. Explain to your husband that you want to do this and you will seek his support if necessary.