don´t know how to deal with my ex?

Question

I left him one year ago after 25 years of marriage.He succeded in hiding a perfec t doble life with his secretary for 15 years!!But nothing lasts for ever.He has been calling almost every day since I left.He has been spying on me to know what I´m doing for Xmas holidays.Of course I won´t tell him.I ´ve told him to let me alone as he is living with his secretary.I no longer answer his calls but sometimes I get desperate.Why can´t he accept that I need to be as happy as he is .I never annoy them.I´m 46,our children are over 20 by now.

to all of you whom answer so kindly thanks ,you have been so helful and made me think.I had to choose one....I would choose all.
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year!!

Answer 1

Hi Monique

You are dealing with a man that has been running a double life for years, and during this time he has been happy with the status quo.

My guess would be that he is finding it difficult to suddenly find himself in a situation where he has only one woman.

I would be interested to know how his double dealings were revealed to you as I am second guessing that he was forced to own up, and didn't make the choice himself.

I admire you for having the courage to kick him into touch and you should carry this strength through by refraining from contact with him, as you are doing.

I would be laughing at him and her if I were you, as it is apparent that he is not as happy with her as he could be, and after all said and done I think they have got what they deserved.

My heart goes out to you as you have been deceived big time and I would take a certain amount of satisfaction out of knowing that he is obviously unhappy about you not wanting him now. Ha Ha well good for you.

When all is said and done he obviously needs you still and is finding it hard that you don't need his sorry @@@se!!

Carry on doing what you are doing, I hope you can find happiness again either on your own for a while or eventually with someone that is not so greedy or deceitful.

Answer 2

you did the right thing of leaving him and not answering his calls! well done you!

46 is a beautiful age, graceful and experienced. You have a whole lot in front of you, don't get stuck with him.

There are times when you feel like answering his calls, just to prove that you are still valued. but this is his tricks. He wanted to prove to himself that you still need him.

Be firm to him and be kind to yourself. You are so courageous in taking this move.

Your children are old enough to understand what happened. Do they support you?

Develop your own life, find some hobbies or something you always wanted to do. Make yourself graceful and attractive so he will regret every bit of it.

One last word, when you are able to move on without this man and have your own life, you may need to forgive him - not to get him back, but to let him go completely.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

Darling, your focus now is going to be on you. Your own self-care, your own interests, what makes you happy, out and about, chin up, meeting new people, putting the past behind you, thinking about what really makes you happy, taking a nap in the afternoon, having a glass of wine, calling an old girlfriend and talking together for two hours, having lunch and not having to hurry, buying a book you really want, picking up a new CD of music that helps you relax and center. It is all about you. It always has been and it always will be. We try everything under the sun, but we finally see that self-care is the one thing which works.

Answer 4

what this man is doing is stalking u, he cant get on with his life and wants know what ur doing none stop, means he isnt happy with this other woman and regrates what he did to u, but at same time hes obbessed in known if u have moved on and found urself another man, so why dont u go out and find urself another man much better then what u already had and who will respect u and treat u right in every way, if he keeps in chasen u and harrassing u then next step is to report him to law forcment and let them give him a warring. and also let ur kids know what hes up2 tell them u want be left alone and dont want him contact u again. they will let him have it, coz i know i would if was 1of my parents harressin the other!

join a club and go out and meet new people, take ur mind off this dead beat looser, u never know a new man might take ur mind compleatly off him and into the future together.
goodluck to u and merry xmas

Answer 5

He probably still cares a lot about you, even if he is offically now with his mistress and maybe out of love with you. Arrange to speak to him and have it out once and for all, tell him how you feel. 25 years is a long time of any relationship, try and hold onto the good parts and take those parts to build a new life, one that doesn't leave you with a more bitter taste than it currently does. Failing talks I'm sure your grown up children will bend his ear..

Answer 6

jesus 15yrs of cheating on you ....i cant believe there are men like this that love to lead a double life else where! i feel so sorry for you i cant imagine what you been through especially when you found out, but i would say.....put yourself first now its you against the world you gotta re gain your own life back and shut him out of it completley...your lucky that your kids are all grown up now so thats one less thing to really deal with him over! dont answer his calls he's only ringing you cos he been thinking hes made a big mistake and not got the HOME COMFORTS so to speak in getting away from the secretary! did she know as well about you? good luck hun ignore him and move on x x

Answer 7

i left mine after 21 years when i found out he's gay. i managed to get right away so that he doesn't know where i am. he knows he could ask the older 2 kids, but he sees one as being on his side & blames the other for me leaving him. he has phoned the youngest's university though. they sent her an email saying he'd phoned wanting her new phone number. he needed to speak to her as he has a serious heart condition! yeah, right! does his girlfriend know how much he's bothering you? i bet she'd be well pi**ed if she did. you could threaten him with telling her; tell him you've kept a diary & will pass it on to her! failing that, speak to the police. he is actually stalking you. he's so used to controlling you he can't let go. he's very immature & you're well shot of him. especially when he's been warned off (by his girlfriend or the police)! good luck, diane.

Answer 8

time is the greatest healer hun, you must ask yourself can you live with him without bringing up the past again and again, in which it would be hurting ! hes got to really prove to you how much he loves you !, but if you cant deal with that then theirs no point of rebuilding, as i said time , keeping yourself busy and being optimistic is what you have too do ! xmas is a hard time of year for you as it brings back so many memories ? hope it all goes well for you hun, dont be too stubborn for your own good . merry xmas,terry

Answer 9

Don't let him take any more of your life .. you have given enough. And .. you are the one to control it .. even as hard as it may be.

PUSH ... him out of your life period. He is still hurting you. You probably just wanted a normal life with him, for the rest of your life ... and it did not work out that way.

So .. you would be wise to put him out of your thoughts .. and out of your mind. It's not easy to do .. but you can do it .. TIME will help you.

Move forward .. get over him .. then you will be ready for something wonderful to walk into your life.

Don't tell him to leave you alone anymore ... make him leave you alone .. don't allow him any choice.

Answer 10

Just stand your ground. I imagine it is hard, but you keep your head up and remain strong. One thing I would do is record a phone conversation and tell his "secretary" to please have him stop calling you... if she doesn't believe you or bucks, let her hear the conversation. He does not deserve to continue to have his cake and eat it too... What, is he trying to make you the "other woman" now? No Way! Most importantly, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP and remain strong. Your time will come.
Good Luck and enjoy the holidays!