My husband has a horrible temper when he is drunk...some weekends he just drinks through the entire weekend and gets angry at me if I don't give him my $$ for beer. He nitpicks & insults me, orders me around and expects me to do ALL the work, even though I have a f/t job and work more hours than him. Also he is physically abusive like yesterday he pushed me to the floor when I was holding our 1-yr old. Another time I was wrapping Christmas presents and I had scissors in my hands..he started pushing me and put his face in my face threatening me..so I pushed him to get him off of me and sliced his arm with the scissors. Now he tells everyone I tried to stab him. When he sobers up he doesn't remember clearly what happened but spins things in his head so that it's my fault. He is a wonderful father and husband when he is not drunk but it is hard to forget even on the good days, b/c he changes from Dr. Jeckyl to Mr. Hyde.. I am tense and sad all the time. I don't want to get a divorce...
2007-12-17 06:51:45 · 102 answers · asked by kallista 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You need help. Seek help before it gets dangerous. Addicts don't quit by themselves, they need a motivation to do it, like you leaving with your kid. text book
2007-12-17 06:55:04 · answer #1 · answered by redwine 6 · 10⤊ 0⤋
Can I ask you a question?
Do you want your child growing up thinking that getting drunk and abusing people is normal and ok?
Do you want your husband to get mad one night and push your child??
You say that he's a wonderful father and husband when he's not drunk...I am very sorry to say this but if he was SUCH a wonderful husband and father, he would not continue to get drunk and hurt you (your feelings or physically) like this. He would realize what he's doing, and work to change it.
This is no longer just about you and him. This is about you and your child. If you stay in a situation like this, your child will do one of three things. If it's a boy, he'll grow up and become abusive himself, because that's what he saw when he was growing up and he thinks that is normal. If it's a girl, she WILL seek out people who are abusive herself. We are all drawn towards people who remind us of our fathers (if we're girls, or our mothers if we're guys). Do you want her to be in an abusive relationship because she thinks that's normal? The third thing is quite possibly the worst. When the child is old enough to start saying "no", he/she might say no at the wrong time. Your husband has shown he has no self control when he is drunk and angry. What is to stop him from hurting your child?
You can still love him, we cannot help who we love. But there is a BIG difference between loving him, and letting him hurt you. I think it's probably time to get some help. Maybe you're not ready for divorce, but a trial separation might just be the wake up call he needs. And it would give you some breathing room, a chance to clear your head and figure out what it is YOU want to do.
Whatever you choose to do, know that you are not alone. Other people have been where you are, and all you have to do is reach out.
2007-12-17 07:07:55 · answer #2 · answered by smlingrl 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well, if he is only violent when he drinks and not when he is not drinking, that is an indication that he has a drinking problem and NOT an anger problem.
When helping someone with a drug and/or alcohol problem, it is important to show as much care as possible. That maybe hard given what you went through with him, but just realize that that is NOT the real him!
He is NOT only abusing you! He is abusing himself by putting harmful chemicals into his body in attempt to forget some problem he has.
It is vital that it be discovered what is troubling him! Anyone can say that people with drug or alcohol problems are horrible people who should be locked up and tortured for doing something something so bad!
This is not the case! He needs help! The reason some people drink heavily is to numb emotional pain!
The fact that he is a wonderful loving person when he doesn't drink, is a sign that that is how he actually is!
There are several drug and alcohol centers where people can recieve anonymous help.
If he seems unwilling to oblige, ask him, "do you really want to hurt yourself and other people, or do you just want the pain to go away?"
I pray that he will not hurt you again, and I pray that your husband will find out whats bothering him and resolves it so you both can rest in peace!
If you feel emergency help is needed, don't hesitate to take him to a hospital. The psychiatric ward of the hospital is NOT like in the movies! It is actually a very comfortable environment, and he will in fact find people with the same problems he has. This may make him feel more comfortable and he will probably be able to get help easier! The psychiatric staff there are trained to help others and are bound by the law to keep information confidential.
There is one drawback however. If he voluntarily signs himself into the hospital, the hospital will NOT disclose any information about his stay and it will remain private, but if he has to be forced to sign in (either by the police or other authority) it sort of becomes a criminal record.
I hope I was helpful to you!
2007-12-17 07:08:50 · answer #3 · answered by James Boroznoff 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
If he is willing, drunk or not, to push you especially while holding your 1 year old, then you need to leave. Maybe if you leave he'll realize that he needs to straighten up, and if he doesn't then you need a divorce. Marriage and family is about happiness, support, and stability, not drunken violence and madness. What are you going to do if your child grows up thinking it's ok to abuse people and blame others for things they did? You have to think of what's best for the baby. At least if you get a divorce, the baby can still see the father in a more sensible manner.
Also, you have to think, when he's drunk and crazy, what if he starts to abuse your child. mayeb not now but when they get older?? You can't be stuck on the idea that you don't want divorce, your not the only one in this situation, the baby is there too!!
2007-12-17 06:57:59 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Simple answer. You have a 1 year old child with an alcoholic.
If you do not want to get out of the marriage you are being a bad mother because no mother should allow her child to be living in a dangerous situation with a drunk who gets angry and abusive.
Are you going to wait until this guy hurts you or your baby???
It may be too late by that time. What happens if he turns the anger and abuse on your helpless baby????
You have three choices, You both get marriage counseling, and he admits he is an alcoholic and out of control.
You leave him and take your child to save both of you a lot of danger and emotional upset.
You stay where you are and watch you child grow up to be an abusive/abused adult because he/she has watched his father treat you like dirt for years.
Do not think that your husband is going to change, he is an alcoholic, and will not change until he wants to change.
Good luck.
2007-12-19 16:20:03 · answer #5 · answered by Sue F 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ahhhh been there done that. I once walked in your shoes sweetie. Let's be very honest here. You and I both know that things will never change until the alcohol problem is resolved. If you really want this marriage to work then you need to work on one major problem at a time. The alcohol problem should be the first. I'm sure you've heard all of the next day apologies and the inevitable "I'll never do it again". Whatever it takes to get him to stop drinking around you and the kids and also don't let him sucker you into him going out drinking (because he won't be drinking around you) and then come home drunk. This is a vicious cycle your in. You and your kids deserve better. If not for you then do it for your kids. They deserve better and only you can protect them from the irreparable harm your husband is causing them to live with. If you need to chat in the future email me.
2007-12-17 07:06:42 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just wondering what nationality he is? Alcohol has a diffrent effect on everyone my husband is American Indian and if he drinks he is crazy, people dont take that wrong way I am with him he is my husband. Anyways truth is if that is his problem then he needs to not drink at all or get the hell out. People who are abusive just when there drinking does not mean it will always only be when he is drinking. I know trust me . Just tell him no more if he loves you then he wont drink and if he does not know that much of what he is doing when he drinks just imagine if you werent there maybe he would cheat. Well most likley he will. Protect your child because it will effect him even at such a young age your child knows and will and can remember. Becarful if he doesent want to stop then get rid of him. I have been through it my husband no longer drinks at all!! I would kick his a#& out. Good Luck!
2007-12-17 07:04:36 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is not a prize "catch" is he?!?
You say he is a "problem drinker". That is one strike against him. But it's not the only one.
You said "my husband is abusive when he is drunk"...do NOT give him the "excuse" of alcohol for his abuse.
He is abusive. Period. Report it if it happens again!
It is not just a temper, that's only a feeling...abuse is an action of assault whether he's just angry and/or completely "sicko"!
That is strike two! At THAT point you should tell him to leave until he reforms, or report him, or both! But it is worse yet...
I could call abusing you with a baby in your arms "strike three"! What if your child gets crippled or dead because the sperm donor dad is "not housebroken". No man is worth risking your child for!
If a man murders a pregnant woman, even though the baby is not born yet, he is charged with DOUBLE homiscide!
WORSE...it will be YOUR fault, if you let this happen. Not wanting a divorce does not excuse risking you child's life!!!
So it really is another stike against him...but there is an even worse strike three that I see.
He has driven YOU to the point of hurting him! You don't want to be driven to sin and lose your place in heaven over his mean-ness.
On top of all that, your man then vilifies YOU!!! Unforgiveable lack of love is what I see.
He's out!!! And you should be too! At minimum you BOTH need counselling...and do not use his refusal as your excuse to do nothing.
Sorry dear. I love you and so does GOD, but even YOU will blame yourself, if the baby dies next time.
I would leave him, and not even consider going back unless he straightens up and flies right for a while, not just days!!!
He needs help and SO DO YOU!!!
Don't wait until he "accidentally" kills or maimes you and/or the baby. When you finally move to address the problem, it might be too late.
I do not believe in divorce either, but I never said "divorce", did I.
Just get yourself to safety, like running from a house fire.
Maybe that action will wake hm up to his need for help.
In case you never noticed, the man is dangerous to you. Don't be a co-dependent "enabler".
Be safe, not sorry!
2007-12-17 07:20:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is a true sign of abuse and if you allow this to continue - especially knowing you have a small child who eventually is going to recognize this and will respond with some negative emotions down the line, you are fooling yourself if you believe change is about to come without some serious help and inteventions. Surely, you have heard the numbers of women who die everyday from this kind of abuse, and the number of children who are also victims. Your husband needs help and if you are not willing to leave him in spite of his ugly mannerism toward you and your child, then you need to do what you can to convince him that you want him to get help. I've been there and done that and so I know how difficult it might be for you - but for your own safety and the saftey of your child - get help and make him get some too! IF not, I fear that you are doomed to becoming another statistic t hat the world reads in the headlines everyday.
2007-12-17 07:13:27 · answer #9 · answered by THE SINGER 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry that you have to endure this, for you and your young child too! The question I would ask you is..Was he like this when he drank while you were dating? Now my guess is that his temper was always there. You need to give him an altimatem to either gets some help and stop his drinking, or lose you and his child? Hopefully he is smart enough to choose his family over the drinking! I know that I have a 13 year old daughter and I a so happy she is not having to deal with this type of thing! Because I was raised with a father who too was angry when he was drinking and it was no fun to say the least! And you felt like you were walking on shredded glass when he was around! I hope you do the right thing here for yourself and your child....God Bless You :)
2007-12-17 06:59:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's time for an intervention. You need to make him realize that his behavior while drinking is bad for your relationship, your health, his health and the health of your child. He may not remember what he's done, but it doesn't erase the fact that he did what he did.
Time to get him some help. If he doesn't stop drinking this will go on and on for the rest of your lives together. Do you really want an alcoholic husband? Talk to him about his drinking and the way that he is when he's drunk. Explain that you fear he may hurt you or your baby. And if he says he'd never hurt you, don't believe it. The longer this goes on the greater the chances are that he will really end up hurting you or your child, whether he remembers in the morning or not. It's time for you to consider what could really happen.
2007-12-17 06:57:04 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋